“Followers, I stand here at my pulpit for today’s sermon is about how thou shalt not tempt the lord our god through committing blasphemy and heresy.” 

“Blasphemy in the form of things like taking the lord’s name and providing false offerings to the church.” 

“Heresy in denying the divinity of the lord through shortchanging the church by not providing enough for us to deliver the miracles which allow us to help the needy.” 

“As I took in our offering after Wrestle Heroes, I was filled with righteous anger as I looked down and saw a fifty pence piece, two erectile dysfunction medication pills, and a piece of bubble gum.” 

“Our god isn’t a joke; he isn’t someone to be insulted.  A being to be trifled with, our god should be respected and his name spoken in reverent hushed tones.” 

“The punishment for heresy is to be put to death by stoning.” 

“And this, this garbage left behind by a man with that over-the-top English accent, they’re guilty of sin and guilty as sin.” 

“He walks around with his… mojo on full display.  Rumor has it, he uses a pump from Sweden in certain depraved acts.  He’s a born sinner, who has ideals of the swinging sixties; he is a deviant who will be surrounded by deviants this week.”   

“For the blasphemy and heresy perpetrated upon our Church.” 

“Nigel, my dear boy, you’ve stepped in it, and it’s a deep, burning hell that you’ve placed yourself in. My congregation will see you buried in fifty-four stones if you feel you can treat our Church, and our lord as an amusement for you to laugh at.“ 

“And the stones will come in fast and heavy.  Fifty will come as penance for the fifty pence piece you left in our offering bowl, one for every pence of insult it represents.” 

“Next, we have the two stones you’ll get for the two… sexual aid medications left in the Church’s offering.  We will not be implicated in your swinging sexual depravity, you immoral pleasure-seeking rake.” 

“Then we have one stone for a stick of bubble gum, essentially trash.  Congregation, this man believes our god, and our church is tantamount to that stick of gum that it is trash, our lord is trash, that we are trash!  We will not tolerate such suppositions!  We will cast our stones.” 

“But my math appears to be a bit off, right, because we’re at fifty-three stones, where’s number fifty-four?” 

“We’re looking at him, and this manky git doesn’t get the fact that we’re done turning the cheek at this sort of cheek.  We will not tolerate this disrespect; I will be the first stone cast for I am without sin, and I am the chosen arbiter of good and evil.  I will be the first stone cast, and you will fall at my feet.  Because at the end of the day, you will be my martyr, beaten and broken for your sins, and your partners will receive the rest of your stones.”