LISTEN UP, MEATBAGS!

I gotta hand it to ya: when I crash landed here, I thought it’d be kumbaya, rainbows, and puppies!

*Pukes*

But it turns out you olde worlde bastards are almost as destructive as we are!

*Laughs*

Now I ain’t no histologist, but I travelled 3.8 million years back in time from 40,000 AD, and it seems to me that there’s one constant throughout human history!

Love? Hate? Fuckin’!?

NO! Well, yes… But NO!

The one thing that never changes… is WAR!

I’ve watched you reduce your neighbours to rubble and ash. I been to a li-berry, and then a moo-seum. I learned that Man has been knockin’ the shit out of his fellow Man since time began!

First sticks and stones, then swords and bows & arrows, now it’s guns and bombs!

Shame ya don’t got plasma casters or phase sabres yet… They’re FUN!

Despite technology and supposedly humans evolvin’, the reason for war has always been the same dumb shit:

“I used to own that rock. Now I want it back!”

“We’re low on dinosaur juice, let’s invade whoever has some!”

“My god could kick your god’s ass!”

If it ain’t grandstandin’ or resources, it’s fairytales – BOOORRRIIINNNG!

Good news: there ain’t no pretence or bullshit in 40,000 AD!

Morals, principles, and values? We ain’t got those. Resources? Planet’s dried up and hollowed out. Gods? They left the buildin’!

In my day, we fight cos that’s all life is. No reason, no hope, no future – just loss, pain, then death. Some folks even skip the first two steps!

On the edge of extinction, with a toxic atmosphere, mutated creatures, and hostile E.T.s all around us, we still do what we do best – kill ourselves!

It’s real nice this time o’year – you should visit!

*Booming laughter*

Ya gotta understand somethin’: I’m a big, mean son of a bitch. I survived everythin’ that a nuclear hellscape could throw at me, and I said, what else ya got!? I already passed my life expectancy years ago. So when I size up my, uh, competition here, all I can think is…

MEEEDIOCREEE!!!

The same propagandist brainwashin’ a generation of men to die on the frontlines; the antihero convincin’ himself he’s the good guy; the mad scientist playin’ god and violatin’ nature; the gangster conspirin’ for money and power; the zealot not practicin’ what he preaches…

You’re all fightin’ for the same bullshit Man has always fought over. None of it means nothin’. It ain’t worth dyin’ for; you’ll tap out and live to fight another day…

*Spits*

I was never guaranteed another day! Tappin’ out was never an option. I didn’t fight for ideals or material gain – I fought for my freakin’ life, day after day!

*Breathing*

…

There’s one. Just one… Who could be worthy.

Aranza. The huntress. You intrigue me…

*War cry*

JANUARY TENTH, THE TEMPLE AIN’T NO PLACE FOR NO HEROES. NO VILLAINS, NEITHER. THEY OUGHTA RENAME IT WRESTLE SURVIVOR, COS THERE’S ONLY GONNA BE ONE – ME! LIVE OR DIE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

THIS… IS… WAAARRR!!!