YA FUCKED UP THIS TIME, PIXEL-SHIT!

WAIT UNTIL MARSHMALLOW HEARS ABOUT THIS!

I INTERRUPTED A SHADOW-PUPPET SHOW AND I GOT MY ASS REAMED!

Growl

YOU DRAGGED ME INTO A DIFFERENT FUCKIN’ DIMENSION!

I’VE KNOCKED YOUR PUNY ASS OUT EVERY TIME IN THE REAL WORLD, SO IT MAKES SENSE YOU LURE ME TO YOUR SWEATY NEEERRRD ALTERNATE REALITY.

BETCHA NEVER BROUGHT A GIRL HERE, YOU DICKLESS VIRGIN!

Booming laughter

YOU THINK YOU’RE SOOO SMART!

I’M NOT SOME DUMB RAT, SETTIN’ OFF THE TRAP TRYIN’ TO GET THE CHEESE, YA KNOW.

I’M CUNNING. I WANTED YOU TO TRAP ME. I’M LIKE A DOLPHIN THAT KILLS THEIR TRAINER TO ESCAPE!

I’VE BEEN WANDERIN’ THESE PIXELATED PLAINS LIKE THE SALT FLATS OF 40,000AD.

GOIN’ GAME TO GAME, I PLAYED ALONG IN HOPES THAT THE PRIZE WOULD BE LEAVIN’ THIS CRUSTY CUMSOCK O’ YOURS.

BUT PLAYIN’ BY THE RULES IS BOOOORING, AND I KEPT LOSIN’!

ROAR!

THEN I REALISED: THE GAME IS RIGGED AGAINST THE PLAYER. ARCADES DON’T MAKE MONEY PAYIN’ OUT PRIZES. FIXIN’ IT IS HOW YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA WIN AT INVASION!

EVERY TIME WE’VE MET, I’VE CHOKED YOU HARDER THAN YOU CHOKE YOUR CHICKEN; I’VE FLATTENED YOU LIKE DOLLY DAYDREAM’S TITS; I’VE BROKEN YOU WORSE THAN GLITTER’S ASSHOLE!

Punches palm

BUT YOU GLITCH, LAG, AND BULLSHIT YOUR WAY OUTTA DODGE EVERY TIME!

Voice-cracking scream!

SO, I SAYS TO MYSELF: SELF, IF THAT NOOB CAN CHEAT TO WIN, WHY CAN’T YOU – I MEAN I!

AFTER ALL…

WAR.

AIN’T.

FAIR!

YA GOTTA SEIZE EVERY ADVANTAGE, FIGHT DIRTY, AND WIN NO MATTER THE COST!

SO I REVISITED THOSE GAMES THAT BEAT ME…

INSTEAD O’ HITTIN’ THE FUCKIN’ BALL BACK N FORTH, TRYIN’ TO SCORE, I CROSSED THE LINE, THEN RIPPED THE OTHER PADDLE IN HALF!

RATHER THAN LAYIN’ THE DIFFERENT BLOCKS NICE N CAREFULLY TO STOP ‘EM FILLIN’ UP, I STACKED THOSE SUMBITCHES HIGH, THEN CLIMBED THE TOWER!

COULDN’T BE BOTHERED EATIN’ PELLETS AND NAVIGATIN’ THE MAZE, SO I BULLDOZED THROUGH THE WALLS AND LET THE GHOSTS ESCAPE!

DIDN’T WANNA RESCUE THE PRINCESS FROM THE TURTLE’S CASTLE, SO WE TAG-TEAMED THAT DUMB BITCH’S PHAT ASS WHILE HER PLUMBER-CUCK BOYFRIEND WATCHED AND CRIED!

Bloodlust scream!

IT WAS GAME OVER THE MOMENT YOU BROUGHT ME HERE!

YOU WERE IN CONTROL.

BUT IT’S A BINARY WORLD. YOU DEAL IN ABSOLUTES – 1s AND 0s.

EVERYTHIN’ RUNS THE WAY IT’S PROGRAMMED TO.

SAFE & PREDICTABLE…

TWO THINGS THAT I AM NOT!

WAR IS DANGEROUS & CHAOTIC.

THINGS DON’T ALWAYS GO THE WAY YOU WANT.

THINGS ARE NEVER BLACK & WHITE – I’M NON-BINARY!

…

I’VE ASSUMED CONTROL NOW.

I FIND EXPLOITS, I CHEAT, AND I BREAK THE GAME!

YOU CAN UNPLUG ME – IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE.

IT’S WINNER TAKES ALL, AND ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME.

I KNOW YOU DREAM ABOUT GOIN’ HOME…

BUT IF I DON’T GET TO HAVE A HOME, NEITHER DO YOU.

JUST LIKE NUCLEAR FIRE BROUGHT MY WORLD TO ITS KNEES…

I WILL BE THE DATA STORM THAT BRINGS SKYBOUND CITY CRASHIN’ DOWN!

GOD-MODE ACTIVATED.

AT INVASION, A WINNER IS ME!

8-BIT MAYHEM… IS… WAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!