HEY, MEATBAGS!

I CAME, I SAW, I CONQUERED!

Marvolo lined up FORTY-EIGHT DICKLESS CUCKS and I SKULL-FUCKED ‘em ALL!

And I suffered MINIMAL BRAIN DAMAGE-^AMAGE!

The ONLY way this HARDCORE TITLE leaves me is from my COLD, DEAD HANDS!

The SAME HANDS that CHOKED that fuckin’ SISSY TWINK, PIXEL-CLIT, and KNOCKED OUT that fuckin’ COMIC-BOOK READIN’ NEEEERRRRD, DARKBITCH!

Talkin’ o’ that NIGHT-STALKIN’ FUCKHOLE, know what CHAFES my BALLS!?

Fuckin’ SELF-IMPORTANT TWATS who think they’re the ONLY ONES that SUFFER!

NEWSFLASH, DOUCHE-CUNTS – EVERYONE on this GODFORSAKEN ROCK fuckin’ SUFFERS!

Difference is MOST people TAKE their LUMPS, keep their CHIN UP, and CARRY ON – cos that’s LIFE!

Then ya get those WHINY LITTLE BITCHES who turn any ole MINOR INCONVENIENCE into their ENTIRE PERSONALITY!

Obnoxious crying

BOOHOO, I WAS A ^TEENSY BIT ON FIRE, NOW I HAVE NO SKIN! I’M SO BROODING AND MYSTERIOUS!

BOOORING!

I get PISSED OFF just LOOKIN’ atcha! PUNY WEAKLIN’ prancin’ round Molvanîa, JERKIN’ OFF in the shadows in your lil GIMP COSTUME!

Yeah, yeah, you’re GRITTY and you have a TRAGIC PAST. MOMMY tells you that you’re SPECIAL – different to ALL the other ANTIHEROES and THEIR ORIGIN STORIES!

Mocking yawn

How’s THIS for an origin story?

Clears throat

…

Punches palm

FUCKIN’ KABOOM, MOTHERFUCKER!

A-BOMB RIGHT ON TOP O’ YOUR FUCKIN’ HEAD!

SKY ABLAZE, GROUND BARREN, NEARLY ALL LIFE ON EARTH VAPORISED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!

COCKROACHES, TWINKIES, and a few SORRY SONS-A-BITCHES like ME are ALL that SURVIVED!

I was BORN IN NUCLEAR FISHIN’, BITCH!

THAT’S SUFFERIN’!

THAT SHIT BUILDS GODDAMN CHARACTER!

YOU!?

Some moron probably put too many CANDLES on your BIRTHDAY CAKE, and you singed your fuckin’ EYELASHES!

Booming laughter

Naw… I know what’s up.

Sneer

That SICK PUPPY, DICKSAW, SPITROASTED ya! When they tried loadin’ your OAK-SMOKED CARCASS onto a stretcher, your FLESH came off like BURNT CHEESE on a fuckin’ PIZZA!

Puke

Your SLOW-COOKED, OFF-THE-BONE ass wasn’t on my RADAR until you stuck your fuckin’ NOSE into MY business at SLAM 400!

PRETTY IRONIC, YOU NOSELESS CUNTWAFFLE!

NOW you’re in my sights, SLAPTITS!

Ever hear the sayin’, I wouldn’t PISS on them if they were on FIRE!?

Means you HATE someone’s stinkin’ GUTS!

Well, DARKBITCH, you PEPPERONI JABRONI: I wouldn’t use the WATER-CANNON PISS-STREAM from my GIGANTIC FUCKIN’ HORSE-SCHLONG to EXTINGUISH you if you were on FIRE… AGAIN!

‘Cos I DO hate your SHITTIN’ CUNT-GUTS!

If you even regain CONSCIOUSNESS in time, HEED MY WORDS:

Your NINJA BULLSHIT won’t CUT IT against this ONE-MAN CRIMEWAVE!

You CAN’T strike FEAR into MY BLACK HEART – I’ve stared OBLIVION in the face!

Your thirst for JUSTICE and VENGEANCE will go UNQUENCHED in my DESERT OF TORMENT!

Grab a goddamn FIRE BLANKET. Fill a BUCKET with SAND. Bring a motherfuckin’ FIRE AXE – you’re gonna need it ALL!

WHY!?

‘Cos I’m a PYROMANIAC. I’m a TWISTED FIRESTARTER!

At SLAM 401, I’m gonna STRIKE A MATCH, LIGHT YOU UP like a fuckin’ BARBECUE GRILL, and you’ll be CHOKIN’ on my PULLED PORK, you VIGILANTE VIIIIRGIIIN!

THIS… IS… WAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!