That fuckin’ gamer NEEERRRD and his INVINCIBILITY STAR BULLSHIT!

Smash

War Machine STILL beat their PUNY ASSES in WARGAMES, but I had to get EVEN!

So I CHOKESLAMMED NIPPLE-SHIT back to the goddamn MUSHROOM KINGDOM, and what do I get!?

Obnoxious fake crying

That JAGOFF, MARCO POLO, in his KETCHUP SUIT, BITCHIN’ at me – FUCK OFF!

Growl

Now I gotta defend MY Hardcore title against THIRTY-EIGHT MEN cos he knows HIS DICK is SMALLER than MINE!

Scream

CORRECTION – Thirty-SEVEN men…

Heavy breathing

And one DINOSAUR!

…

LISTEN, you BIPEDAL, CARNIVOROUS CUNT!

Spit

I dunno if you just CRAWLED your way out of AMBER, or if some NERD glued your FOSSILISED fuckin’ BALLS back together, but it’s been about…

Counts

A HUNDRED BILLION FUCKIN’ YEARS since you CRUSTACEOUS SHIT-STAINS were supposed to be EXTINCT!

So why the FUCK is your DUMB ASS still STOMPIN’ round, sendin’ RIPPLES through MY PISS PUDDLES!?

Cracks knuckles

Looks like YOU need a little HISTORY lesson, ‘cos CRIMSON CLIT ROASTIN’ your HIDE at TURBO VIOLENCE wasn’t ENOUGH!

Clears throat

A GAZILLION years ago, you WERE the TOP o’ the FOOD CHAIN! You DOMINATED the PLANET! But this dusty fuckin’ ROCK couldn’t SUSTAIN you BIG MOTHERFUCKERS ploddin’ around, EATIN’ fuckin’ EVERYTHING!

So MOTHER NATURE, that BEAUTIFUL WHORE, decided to KICK YOUR ASSES OUTTA THE HOUSE!

WHOOSH! WHAM! FUCKIN’ BLAMMO!

An ASTEROID SLAMMED into you just like I’M gonna SLAM into Picks-his-shit’s MOMMA!

Horny roar

Just like THAT, you OVERGROWN NEWTS KICKED IT!

Scoff

You mean to tell ME, that ALL it took to WIPE you BIG, MEAN, SCARY BASTARDS off the FACE OF THE EARTH was a DUMB FUCKIN’ ROCK!?!?

Booming laughter

YOU BUNCHA PUSSIES!

Chest thumping

NUCLEAR FUCKIN’ HOLOCAUST, BABY, AND I’M STILL STANDIN’!

YOU couldn’t handle a SPACE PEBBLE and the TEENSY bit of COLD WEATHER that followed. I EAT, DRINK, and BREATHE RADIATION, and I’m the PINNACLE OF HUMAN EVOLUTION!

Fat flex

DIFFERENCE between ME ‘n’ YOU is you’re a QUITTER, and I’M a FUCKIN’ SURVIVOR!

I’M the KING OF THE JUNGLE now! I’M the TYRANNOSAURUS WHO WRECKS, GET IT!?

This TEMPLE ain’t BIG ENOUGH for the TWO OF US, YOU JURASSIC COLOSTOMY BAG!

It can’t sustain BOTH our APPETITES FOR DESTRUCTION – and I AIN’T FUCKIN’ LEAVIN’!

See, just like MOTHER NATURE, BIG DADDY FUCKIN’ MARS has got somethin’ FOR YA!

Punches palm

At SLAM 400, I’m gonna WRECK YOUR SHIT with the FORCE of a fuckin’ METEOR! I’ll cause ECOLOGICAL DEVA-FUCKIN’-STATION in that ring! As you lay GASPIN’ for AIR, while my RAGE ERUPTS all around you, you’ll BEG to be REUNITED with the REST o’those SCALY LIZARD FREAKS!

I’ll BURY you in the fuckin’ GROUND, then, in 40,000AD, I’ll EXHUME your GRAVE! I’ll use your fuckin’ OIL to LUBE MY COCK, and FUCK EVERY CUNT who STILL thinks they can come for MY HARDCORE FUCKIN’ TITLE!

I’LL stand TALL, like I ALWAYS do, the APEX FUCKIN’ PREDATOR of OSDUBYA!

GET READY, COLOSTOMY AND FRIENDS, cos SLAM 400 is gonna be a MASS FUCKIN’ EXTINCTION!

THIS… IS… WWWAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!