Hey, MEATBAGS!

Guess ole SQUIDFACE didn’t see me comin’! Now I got this ‘ere Hardcore Championship that’s almost as pretty as ME!

Cackle

Pixel-shit survived by the skin o’his TEETH… But I always finish what I started.

Growl

…

Cough

Wagin’ war makes a man thirsty. Not much to drink in 40,000AD. The water tastes like rust. Bein’ stuck in your pansy-ass timeline has its perks – like FRUIT JUICE!

Glug, glug

Aaahhh!

Nothin’ beats a mouthful o’ D – VITAMIN D! Sweet, sugary goodness…

Wanna know somethin’ FUNNY!?

In the future, when NUKES started rainin’ from the skies, blastin’ everythin’ into OBLIVION, all the soot blocked the rays of Mr. Shiny Sun up there. The planet cooled.

The eggheads call it nuclear winter.

Without that SUNNY DELIGHT hittin’ us, crops failed and FAMINE killed more people than the blasts ever did.

Over the millennia that followed, folks would try an’ restart civilisation. Settlements would crop up, and they’d make contact with each other.

Tradin’ and SHARIN’ RESOURCES were the lifeline of humanity!

But people only trade if ya got somethin’ they WANT…

Before I became the freakin’ SPECIMEN that I am today, I wasted my time in one o’ those groups.

The leader, RAY, like in RAY-GUN, had an idea: he was gonna CULTIVATE somethin’ so rare, so unique, that we’d become the RICHEST settlement in the land. EVERYONE would want what we were sellin’!

So what was his MARKET DISRUPTOR? His UNIQUE SELLING POINT!?

…

Pineapples.

Yeah, ya fuckin’ heard me RIGHT.

PINEAPPLES!

THINK ABOUT IT: in a post-apocalyptic SHITHOLE, with BARREN land and NO FOOD, MALNOURISHED people would sell their LEFT NUT for FRESH FRUIT!

Here’s where his GRAND PLAN fell apart…

GROWIN’ the fuckin’ things!

Turns out that exotic fruit need a LOTTA MAINTENANCE!

They like it WARM.

…

HELLO, NUCLEAR WINTER!?

They need NUTRIENTS.

WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED THE FOOD!

That DUMB CUNT, RAY, made us DESTROY our SHELTER. We used the bricks to build a WALLED GARDEN, then salvaged auto parts to make a FURNACE – not for us, for the STINKIN’ PINEAPPLES!

Hyperventilating

The others didn’t last long…

Turns out takin’ people’s warmth, shelter, and food away is a bad idea.

Those FUCKIN’ things never did grow…

Voice-cracking scream

TROPICANA DAFOE, ya PINEAPPLE-HEADED FUCK, you’ve been a DRAIN ON RESOURCES your whole life. Your STUPID parents gave you warmth, shelter, and food, and you ain’t GROWN one bit. You’re a little TITTY-BABY in a MAN’S BODY! In MY timeline, we’d EAT your useless, LAZY ass – AND NOT LIKE THAT!

It makes sense that you’re taggin’ with BAG-BOY, because only he’d be STUPID ENOUGH to think a FUCKIN’ PINEAPPLE is his winnin’ ticket!

When me and SINISTER get your MEDIIIIOOOOOCRRREEE ASSES in the ring at Slam, I’m gonna do to you what I did to that PUNY FUCKIN’ LEADER of ours: I’m gonna FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH THAT PINEAPPLE, then I’m gonna SPLIT YOUR FUCKIN’ HEADS OPEN AND DRINK THE GODDAMN JUICE INSIDE!

BLOODLUST ROAR

THIS… IS… WAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!