The name is Powers, Nigel Powers. 

Yeah, baby.

All week long everyone has been coming up to me, asking me about the big day.

Nigel – are you ready?

Nigel – aren’t you worried about your stamina?

Oh, behave.

Baby, I’m more worried about chaffing. Yeaaah.

Nigel Powers isn’t afraid of a bit of full-body boogie. Preparation is all about confidence. You’ve gotta pace yourself. You’ve gotta stay limber. You need to know where everyone else is, or you might find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time and catching a whole load of trouble.

No-one wants to be hit in the face with another man’s power, yeah baby.

I’ve heard all the whispers, baby. Lots of people. Lots of different shapes and sizes. Some really BIG men. Some really SMALL men. I try not to focus on the men, baby. I’m not intimidated by that. I thrive in a group setting. I move with the flow and when I’m flat on my back, you’d better believe that ole Nigel Powers is in control of the situation entirely.

Everyone out there wants the same result. Everyone is working together to climax in the best way possible. But deep down, every single man wants to be the last one standing. They want to be the one with the most stamina, the most impressive staying power – they want to be the one who finishes last and finishes hard.

The first people out are always the try-hards. They rush in going hard and fast on as many people as they can, all at once, flexing for an audience that isn’t watching them anymore. Next thing you know—they go off like a fireman’s hose. Sad little walk to the back, wondering where it all went wrong.

Then you’ve got the serious types. The planners. They stand in the corner thinking, waiting for the “perfect moment.” But there is no perfect moment. The fun doesn’t wait, baby. Someone bumps into them, someone else falls over, suddenly they’re on their knees face deep in a muff that has just been creamed by three different pounders.

None of those people are me.

And let’s be honest, I’m not just here to participate—I’m here to excel. I’ll out-charm, out-last, and out-perform anyone involved. By the end, people will be looking around, hair dishevelled, thinking, “Blimey, that Nigel Powers really gave it his all.”

Because when it comes to getting in the ring, getting out of the ring and getting back in the ring again, there’s no-one quite as skilled as the Coastal Man of Mystery.

Yeah, baby.

I’ll bring the lube, you bring the toys.

And when all is said and done, Nigel Powers will last longer than all the boys, yeaah.

(Someone off screen hands Nigel a note.) 

Oh.

Where’s the orgy then, baby?

(Whispering off screen.)

Oh, groovy, yeah, of course.