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You Will Not Penetrate Us

Tucker Goode stands behind a table, a toy castle sitting on it, the draw bridge down.

“Now, I always said your virginity is a lot like a castle, or a treasure. You wouldn’t simply open your gate and give it all away to just anyone, would you?”

He shakes his head.

“Of course not! Everyone knows that a king or a queen needs to keep their kingdom nice and safe from any dirty, forceful invaders, don’t they? You can just say no all you darn well please, but sometimes it takes more than no to stop those disease ridden vandals from your precious virginity.”

With a flick of the wrist, he closes the castle bridge, the audible click of a lock accompanying it.

“Castles have bridges, moats, and gates! But abstinent aficionados like you and I don’t simply have a door to close that isn’t your legs! But we do have a lock and key, don’t we? Members of the AAC know the one way to ensure your virginity stays undisturbed is a chastity cage! A big, protective, lock that keeps your penis out of trouble and your vagina perfectly safe.”

Mr. Goode produces a key from his pocket, flipping it in his hand.

“A bunch of mean, nasty animals want to invade the ACA’s wonderful kingdom. Using their big strong, bearlike hands to hold us down and force that big black panther inside… of our hallowed halls. Untrained, uncivilized… uncaged. The Kingdom has but one thing on their mind, and it isn’t respect for our office’s treasured virginity.”

“No, they’re here to invade our personal space and try to force down our walls with that long yellow python they love so much. But just because someone is being forceful doesn’t mean you stop at just saying no! You fight back and beat off those big strong men with both hands until they’re tired and unable to fight!”

Tucker leans forwards on the table, tapping the key on the castle.

“But so long as I’m here, they’ll never break down our walls. Because while our doors may just be our way telling these dirty men no, I’m the chastity cage that’s sitting tightly on our pelvis and holding back any would be invaders who wish to penetrate us! I am the man who stands between these animalistic invaders and the innocence of our devoted listeners. Nothing is going to break my lock so long as I still breathe.”

“The tender walls of our sweet, untouched office shall remain untainted so long as I still stand!”

Mr. Goode tosses the key into his mouth, swallowing it!

“Our cage will remain on tight until the end when we stand tall and let them know that they will not penetrate us!”

“They may have the strength of the grizzly, the speed of a panther, and wisdom of a bear, but we have something more.”

“The cleanliness of Kleen, the decorum of Boswick, the anger of Pauline…”

“And one unlockable cage.”

Tucker Goode