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You Will Not Get a Sandwich After This Ass Reaming (and Don’t Even Ask For Mayo)

Nothing gets me all revved up like a nice, home-made sandwich.

There’s just something so heart-warming about selecting your favorite items, packaging it up into a scrumptious little bundle of joy—

AND GOBBLING IT UP.

But y’know what really perks my tits to Olympus?

Men who think us gals are only here to succumb and serve the patriarchy.

Here’s Arcadia’s dirty little secret, kiddos: power-hungry men have ruled over and subjugated the rest of us for quite some time now. They use us, and abuse us, so that we are mere vessels of comfort and entertainment.

It’s their kingdom, they say, and the rest of us just live in it.

Those pigs expect us to slice their deli meat, wash their lettuce, toast their buns, and spread that fluffy, creamy mayonnaise all over it like moisturizing your hands after a hard days work.

They say, “make me a sandwich.”

Well, boys, I just so happen to have all the right ingredients for you four ravenous animals.

Hey, shark, you smell worse than my cooter after a full day of home Reno, how about some olive oil instead of omega oil you STINKY FUCK?

And you, bear. You need to go on a diet, fatty. So how about we top your sandwich with guacamole instead of mayo you FAT FUCK?

Hey birdbrain— I cooked some quinoa, and it tastes like bird shit so I scooped the leftovers onto some rye bread for you, DUMB FUCK.

Heavens to petunia, I almost forgot about you, python, you slippery little shit. It’s time for you to bulk up, string bean, so I shaved some lean steak for you and marinated it in my home recipe TANG SAUCE.

Yeah, I bet you’d like to gobble those down your gullets, you savages…

BUT IT AIN’T HAPPENING TODAY, BUCKOS!

I say, “no more.”

No more to the suppression of strong, independent women and their offspring.

No more to the vile and reprehensible behavior of power-hungry men.

NO MORE TO THE PATRIARCHY!

How dare you wild animals breach and enter my kingdom, my safe space, to violate it and claim it as your own.

How completely irresponsible and reckless of you to think that this temple is your sandwich and that you have the Zeus-given right to simply munch away on it like it’s supper time at your whim.

HOW DARE YOU DINE UPON ME AS IF I WERE YOUR SANDWICH!

Blue Shark, White Bear, Red Falcon, and Yellow Python:

Welcome to your last supper.

Yeah boys, Ill be fixing up a big, fat DOUGH DECKER just for you, with all the fixings and little tooth picks you pack downstairs to dress it all nice for you horny BASTARDS.

Because I know you boys love a nice, pretty skirt, don’t chya?

Well, when I get to serving and that skirt flips up, Big Stu’s got a surprise for you—

I’M GONNA RAM THAT DOUGH DECKER UP YOUR ASSES!!!!

And you jerkoffs will experience all the pain, disgrace, and suppression you’ve done unto others at the hands of the ACA.

At Red Snow the patriarchy falls when I speak to your fucking manager.