“I once knew a girl who lived by the idea that she didn’t need no man.”
“You know the type, right? Uptight, no friends, and just her hand to keep her company.”
“That is, of course, until she bought something to keep her company.”
“A vibrator.”
“Cheap as hell and running on double-A batteries, she thought this thing could make up for her lack of friends. Who needed a man when you could replace him with a piece of metal and plastic?”
“After long days of being alone she’d go home, hit the on button, and go to town on herself til she passed out in a depressed little heap.”
“But those old vibrators? They don’t last, you know. Those little motors wear out, the batteries die, and next thing you know your self-loving turns to self-loathing while you look for something else to juice up your little toy.”
“And once the old thing dies, it gets replaced.”
“But that girl never learned. She just went out and got a new dildo to plow herself with while she looked down on the rest of us for hooking up and living life.”
“Must suck to be lonely, but I don’t know about that life.”
“Now, looking at you, Tenchu, I can see the Odawara vibrator is still running despite its age.”
“For real, I was expecting grandma’s sextoy here to be working on a hand crank and faith at this point.”
“But here you are, still sitting on the Odawara bedside table on those lonely nights when your clan gets rejected at the bar for their attitude.”
“Sure, they can claim they don’t need help from another clan, right? They got a robotic assassin with a katana to please them!”
“You can lop off heads with one swing.”
“You ain’t gotta talk, breathe, eat, or piss. They just press a button on your back, spread their legs, and tell you to get to it.”
“Not like you have a choice.”
“You’re just that, though. You’re a toy, a tool, a bunch of gears and silicone made to fulfill their lonely little fantasies while the clan closes their eyes, rolls back, and thinks of Yao Ming.”
“Or whoever you guys call a good warrior.”
“But despite being built to fulfill them, you’ve failed to bring them to orgasm since they dug you out of the drawer.”
“You’re getting the three count left and right.”
“Those batteries in your ass going out night after night.”
“But I’ll never have to deal with that, because I’m a real man. Long, hard, and full of semen.”
“I ain’t gonna kill over in the middle of a fuck session. My dick gets hard and stays hard.”
“I can kiss, lick, suck, and fuck your whole clan eight ways to the Chinese New Year.”
“And all you’ll be able to do is lay at the bottom of the bed and watch as I fuck the whole Odawara clan.”
“Taggin’ them and baggin’ them one by one.”