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Verily Sour Jawbreaker

Verily Sour Jawbreaker

Sweet children, sour children, can you hear my voice shaking?

The ground beneath my feet quaking?

And my poor jaw, breaking?



The candy that challenges you to embrace the pain!

But Mr. Teddy, it looks like a rock!

Well guess what, sweet child? It’s as hard as a rock, too!

And it’s by far the sourest treat I’ve ever concocted.

You see children, there are many people in the world who believe that pain is a kind of pleasure.

They are an interesting case study for brainiacs and candy confectioneers alike.

For I believe I have devised even for these poor souls the most pleasurably painful treat that’s ever hit the store shelves!

But Mr. Teddy, it’s almost too big to eat!

Well that’s precisely the point.

For the child who knows better than to believe these poor souls venturing across Arcadia, preaching the providence of pain, this will truly be the most torturous route to engage with their mouths!

For days and days and days, you can suck on the Verily Sour Jawbreaker, and every molecule of spit in your mouth will serve to activate its extreme sour properties, so that not one second of the days it takes to eat this treat will you consider just crunching down on it, trying to break it apart, and eating it quickly.

But doing so will require you to embrace the pain.

And likely require you to see a dentist for oral surgery.

So what is the point then, children?

Do you desire to hurt us, Mr. Teddy?

No, sweet child, far from it.

But for you to truly understand what I want for you, you must try my Verily Sour Jawbreaker.

You must see it through to the end.

Embrace the sour.

Embrace the hardness.

Embrace the pain.

And days later, when the Verily Sour Jawbreaker has finally softened, and the sour has dissipated, and you’ve put in all that work to finish the treat, and there is nothing left, I want you to decide whether all that pain was worth it…

Or if you were better off never embracing the pain to begin with.

And if you do decide the pain was worth it, ask yourself if that pain filled up your belly and made you feel as good as any of my other treats.

I would venture to say that your empty stomach holds the answer.

You see children, pain is as empty a pleasure as there is.

For true pleasures make you feel good. When you eat an O’Toole Bar or a Teddy Bear, and that sugar rush hits you at a spiritual level, and your tummy is full and you have the energy to run and play?

Well, its as religious of an experience that there’s ever been.

And the Verily Sour Jawbreaker will only serve to help you realize this fact.

If pain is a pleasure, pain is certainly not a full pleasure.

Because pain leaves you empty.

And the Candy Man Can always leave you full.