Hello my friends! Long time no see! It is I, the Ayatollah of Granola! The Sultan of Squash! The Big Salami! And I am also the first ever OSW World Champion, SI! And the first ever five time, five time, five time, five time, si, five time World Champion mi muchachos!
Take it from me my friends, the only way to feel your best every day is to eat three meals a day! Most of us here in the west, we live lifestyles that make it easy to skip a meal — but you must resist! When I am so blessed as to have the opportunity to eat three square meals? Well, let’s just say, I’m the real champion! Si!
But you must ignore your instinct to skip meals! Overcome your brain telling you, “You must not stop to eat breakfast, you must be at work on time instead!” Well, unless you work at one of my restaurants, fuck that muchacho!
You must ignore your brain! Do not trust reason! Plus, if you stop at my restaurant, No Confeis en la Razon, we have a wide range of quick breakfast options! From sausages and eggs, to bacon egg and cheese muffins! But I warn you… If you come to No Confeis en la Razon you may find that you’ve become ill. You may find that a virus has infected your mind — a virus that will make you act totally out of character, cause you to do evil, heinous things, si, for the breakfast here at No Confeis en la Razon! The problem, muchacho, is that this food not only infects your mind, but it changes you. Come here, and you will never be the same.
What’s for lunch? Well, swing on through the Mike’s Fast Food Lane! It’s a little burger shop I bought on a whim. Nonetheless, believe me, you take a bite of one of these delicious hamburgers and fries, and all of the sudden, you can’t stop thinking about all of the delicious juices running down your chin, the flavors dancing on your tongue! It will follow you like a shadow! But luckily for you, since you ate it, you’ll shit it out later and flush it down the toilet.
How about dinner? Well my friends, what a treat I have for you. The Puzzle Room and Board! Go out for a nice, relaxing evening of riddles and fine dining, escape rooms and pinot noir! Si! In this one of a kind experience, you can eat all you want, but you can never win! If you do, your name goes down in history as one of the only people to ever beat it!
I eat three meals a day, and this weekend, you can catch me at all three of my fine establishments! I will, of course, clean my plate. No food will be left.
All three meals will just sit in your First… eeeeeeeeeever!!! OSW World Champion’s tummy. Until I digest them, and shit them out of my butt!
Stay hungry my friends!