“I once knew this fugly old bitch who had a little obsession in her life.”
“And it’s name?”
“The past.”
“Memories of days long ago when she was happy, the world was simpler, and she was a whole lot cuter.”
“See, in her prime, this gal was the queen of the world. Coke cost a dime, STDs weren’t a worry, and Led Zeppelin was on the radio.”
“How do I know that?”
“She never shut the fuck up about it.”
“Every single chance she got to talk about it she would drone on and on about how nice the past was to her. She was the prom queen, the cool girl on campus.”
“But no matter what she said about how it used to be… all I could see was her at that moment.”
“A sad, bitter, pathetic sack of saggy skin and gray hairs.”
“So fuckin’ miserable that if she wasn’t remembering the good ole days she was bitching about current events and modern technology.”
“She couldn’t adjust to the modern world, so you know what happened?”
“The modern world left her behind.”
“Now, TGK, don’t get me wrong, I think your hoverboard looks absolutely ‘licious in my board collection.”
“And I think your jacket has some retro flair.”
“But every single time you speak all I can hear is that old bag of bones with her saggy tits yelling about being the queen bee in the sixties… or seventies? Shit, it really doesn’t matter.”
“The point is, she was obsessed with the past just like you’re obsessed with movies my step-dad showed me that weren’t worth watching unless they had tits or ass on screen for more than five seconds.”
“See, you’ve walked into OSW, the modern world, with your mind stuck on the past. You walk around with your tired catchphrases, your unusable board, and your puffy jacket and you talk about the good ole days on repeat hoping people listen and agree with you.”
“But the thing is? Just like me listening to that old lady, nobody gives a flying fuck about Doc and Marty when they could be watching Rick and Morty.”
“Why play Tetris when you could whip out Call of Duty?”
“And who drives a DeLorean when a brand new Camaro is fast as fuck and has CarPlay on it?”
“You’re stuck in the past, man.”
“And that’s where you and I differ.”
“See, me and Wiz? We like to talk about the past for fun, but we don’t let it suck us in.”
“Why?”
“Because we live in The Now.”
“We smoke the newest strains of that sweet sticky icky.”
“Watch porn on our 4K TVs.”
“And indulge in the world we got in front of us.”
“So this week while you’re thinking about the past, we’ll be in the Now.”
“On top of you, making you squeal ‘Great Scott’ as the ref counts the one, two, three.”
“Now, do something now so you can look back on it.”
“And put your head between my legs to kiss your win goodbye.”