Felix Foley lays in bed, his quilt tucked up nicely under his arms. He’s exhausted. Worse than that, he’s down right defeated. With a thermometer in his mouth, he’s ready to call it quits. Who needs wrestling anyway? Not him.
“Come on baby boy,” Momma says, entering the fray with a sour grin. “You’re not too sick to get out of bed, sleepy head.”
Foley shakes his head in refusal.
“You’re not going to overcome this adversity by staying in bed now, are you?” She says, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and taking the thermometer out of his mouth. “So, your best friend turned out to be a bad man. My husband turned out to be an abusive sumbitch. I guess us Foley’s know how to pick em, huh?”
That makes her chuckle, but not Felix.
“Look, I know you’re seeing the world in a different light these days. I know that must be scary, baby. I know you’re scared. But you need to become the master of this muppet world to break free of it,” she suggests, turning her back to him.
“What do you mean, momma?” He asks, the first words out of his mouth in days.
She sighs. “The longer you stay in this bed and mourn what you’ve lost, the longer you’ll be trapped in this world of muppetry. If you want to escape, you know what you need to do, don’t you?”
Foley shakes his head no.
“You need to cut the strings,” Momma stoically suggests.
Felix thinks about it for a moment as his mother gets off the bed and walks across the ring to grab him a nice cold glass of milk. As she pours it, he rises from the bed with great heroism.
“You’re right momma,” he declares powerfully. “You’re always right!”
She nods in agreement. “That’s what mommas are for.”
CRUNCH.
Suddenly, Momma Foley begins gasping for air. Fluff spews from her neck as she rushes her hand to it, turning around to see her son stood there, his eyes wide. In his hands, a pair of red handled scissors.
“W… what have you done?” She pleads, falling to her knees.
“I’m cutting the strings like you told me, momma,” The Puppetmaster declares. “I’m cutting the strings of you and anyone who stands in my way of ending this nightmare.”
He callously steps over his mother, who in her dying breath, gasps at him. “You’re just like your father!”
She perishes, leaving Foley to snip the air with his scissors.
“Not completely,” he disagrees. “I’m still alive.”
Felix walks towards the door, opening it with aplomb. Tonight, Felix Foley steps out into the world a changed muppet.
But most likely still a muppet, none the less.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: The Harbringer won gold last week but now he has a huge bounty on his head as the Gunslinger looks to take him down and prove he should be the NXT Level Champion.
The bell sounds as Gray rushes forward, taking the bigger man by surprise with a leaping clothesline that takes Graves down. The Reverend staggers up into a hard combination of strikes before Roland grips him by the arm, flipping him around for a Hiptoss
BEFORE SNAPPING HIM DOWN OVER HIS SHOULDERS WITH A MODIFIED NECKBREAKER
Gray pulls Graves up to his feet, rocking him with a few knees to the midsection before throwing him to the ropes. Graves bounces off as Gray grabs him, trying to spin him for the Six Shooter but Graves slips out, landing on his feet behind and as Gray turns,
PICTURE PERFECT SPINE ON THE PINE! Graves plants Gray into the mat with a ring shaking spinebuster but he's not done as he lifts him up and begins punishing him with a series of strikes.
Open palm to the throat, elbow to the side of the head, big knee to the gut that stuns Roland before Graves steps back and nearly decapitates the Gunslinger with a massive Lariat.
HOLY WRATH!
MATT RUBY: The Harbringer's giving that old coot some divine judgement here BB and I'm all for it.
Graves doesn't cover, instead lifting him up as he pulverises him with a few hard knees to the ribs.
MATT RUBY: SPINE SHATTERING BACKBREAKER! Graves nearly breaks the heretic in half there.
Graves isn't done as he pulls Gray up before driving him onto the back of his neck with a big release German Suplex. Graves looks for the end as he pulls Roland up again but Gray slips out of the Powerslam.
DEAD MAN'S HAND! BIG ASS RIGHT HAND KNOCKS GRAVES FOR A LOOP! Roland takes advantage, lifting Graves up
HIGH NOON! The Sky High hits flush as Roland staggers back, looking for the end as Graves slowly staggers to his feet
QUICK DRAW! DISCUS LARIATTOOOO! Roland turns Graves inside out before dropping down for the cover as Demi Sky slides in it count the fall.
ONE
...................
TWO
....................
........................
THREE!!!
MATT RUBY: BOOO! The old heretic prevails as the lord's holy lights fails us tonight BB. There must be too many heretics around.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Just cause you've got a nun fetish doesn't mean you're not saintly Ruby but the Gunslinger indeed picks up a huge victory here tonight over the NXT Level Champion.
The Observatory has rarely looked so empty. Felix Foley is completely unaccompanied and whilst Doom appears no-where to be seen, is wheeling a large drum of something special into the building.
He exhaustedly stops wheeling his sack trucks, popping the drum in its final location.
“Off to kill the scientist, the wonderful scientist of Arcadia,” he sings to himself, his voice turning to a hum towards the end.
“What’re you doing here?” He’s suddenly interrupted. It isn’t one of Doom’s henchmen though, it’s The Burned Man. After learning what Doom did to his wife, he’s come for vengeance.
“I’m looking for Doom. Have you seen him?” Foley enquires carefully.
The Burned Man shakes his head. “Me too. What’s in the drum?”
Felix steps in front of it, pretending as if nothing is there.
“Is that another Odyssey Pool?” He furiously demands to know.
Foley looks confused. “In there?” He asks, looking back at the drum – his façade dropped immediately. “You want to know if there’s a pool in something the size of an oil drum? Gee whiz, let me think, Max.”
He muses sarcastically.
“Of course it is,” he sarcastically continues. “But it’s more of an ocean. There’s a couple of boats, a few dinghies and at least one Axel The Shark in there.”
“Who?” Maxwell growls.
“Nevermind,” Foley says with a knowing wink at us. “Your clear levels of brain damage aside, and I’m sure this will make for a very slow boring story, but I’m busy and you’re not the idiot I’m looking for. If only you were as fire retardant as you seem to be retarded.”
Those words immediately incite fury in The Burned Man, who rushes him, only to be DROP TOE HOLDED straight into the drum. His face smashes up against it.
Foley shrugs, removing the lid of the drum to reveal its contents.
Custard.
“Now I don’t know if this is the same custard that Nox and Doom sprayed your wife in, but I bet it was just as creamy none the less,” he grumbles, pulling the groggy Burned Man to his feet. “I don’t even know if Custardcukke is a thing. I bet Mikey would know.”
Maxwell looks confused.
Foley though drags him head first into the custard drum, drowning him.
GLUG, GLUG, GLUG.
“C’mon, drink it all down like a good little bitch,” Foley demands. “Take it all, just like your wife did.”
The Burned Man struggles but can’t escape, eventually coming to an anti-climatic spasm before drowning.
“Looks like you both came and went at the same time,” Foley says with a grimace, tossing his entire body into the drum of custard. “Custard creamed, I’d say.”
The Puppetmaster walks off.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: It’s a battle of big vs. small here tonight.
The bell rings and Wolf Fang Ayame darts in, aiming a low kick to Mighty’s leg, but the Big Chunk of Funk barely budges.
Ayame circles him, launching a second and third strike. Mighty staggers slightly, glaring down as she takes aim for a high-speed spinning heel kick.
CAUGHT! MIGHTY SWINGS HER AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL AND SLAMS HER TO THE MAT! BUT SHE ROLLS TO HER FEET INSTANTLY!
Undeterred, Ayame races to the corner, flying out with a furious… HIP ATTACK!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: The Tail Attack has staggered Mighty Mighty!
MATT RUBY: That’s usually how that goes, I hear!
Mighty clutches the corner rope for support as Ayame wastes no time, charging forward…ENZIGURI!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: She’s On the Hunt, Ruby!
MATT RUBY: I’ve got all she needs!
She bounces off the ropes, building momentum once again.
DROPKICK—NO! MIGHTY SWATS HER DOWN LIKE AN INSECT!
MATT RUBY: That’s what being the bigger one gets you: the right to swat down any bitch who gets in your way!
Mighty Mighty lifts the Wolf and sends her into the ropes, she rebounds. BACKDROP! BUT AYAME LANDS ON HER FEET! SHE LEAPS UP! CRESCENT MOON KICK TO MIGHTY MIGHTY!
Mighty finally drops to a knee, and Ayame seizes the chance, climbing the ropes and diving forward…
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Heaven’s Howl!
DIVING KNEES NAIL MIGHTY—NO! MIGHTY MOVES OUT OF THE WAY!
Ayame sprints towards him, but he throws her back into the corner.
CANNON BALL! THE RUNNING CORNER FLIP SPLASH FLATTENS AYAME INTO THE TURNBUCKLES.
The big man motions for the end, but Ayame rolls under the ropes to catch her breath. Mighty gives chase, but when he gets to the ropes Ayame nails him in the midsection.
She vaults over the top rope… SPRINGBOARD CROSSBODY! MIGHTY STAGGERS, THEN FALLS BACKWARDS! AYAME FINALLY TOOK THE BIG MAN DOWN!
Wolf Fang Ayame doesn’t wait for another chance, she leaps off Mighty and climbs to the top rope.
BUT MIGHTY IS BACK UP, FOLLOWING HER IN! AYAME KICKS AT THE BIG MAN, BUT IT SEEMS INEVITABLE AS THE BIG CHUNK OF FUNK PULLS HER OFF. HE GRABS HER INTO POSITION…
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: The Mighty Carousell has to be it!
NO! AYAME SWINGS OUT! CRESCENT MOON KICK HITS FLUSH! MIGHTY GOES DOWN, AND AYAME FALLS INTO THE COVER!
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Ayame showed that it doesn't matter the size of the dog in the fight tonight!
Having made his way to Olympus, Felix Foley has yet to find Doom – but if one thing is for sure, he knows that there are many more strings to be cut. Anyone who has ever wronged him, for example.
“I need to kill everyone who ever wronged me,” he says aloud as if I didn’t already say that.
When we join him next, he’s on a steam roller, slowly but surely traversing the halls of Olympus, heading towards where he hopes to find his next victim.
Mighty Mighty on the other hand has just walked through the curtain having fought Wolf Fang Ayame and now stands about ten feet away, dancing like a buffoon.
“Move you idiot!” Foley shouts at him, edging very slowly towards him. “What dance moves are you even doing!?”
Mighty just ignores him and continues dancing.
“If you don’t move your fat ass out of the way in the next five minutes, I’m going to do what all the vegetables, scientists, fat loss experts and weight loss drugs couldn’t do and make you thin,” Foley roars.
Mighty starts rolling his arms as if dancing like Toby Maguire in Spider-Man. “I mean it!” Felix declares. “Unless you want to be a big black glitter-blob on the concrete, you need to move your fat ass out of the way.” The steam roller trundles on. Slowly.
“You’ve only got another two minutes, max.” The steam roller trundles on. Slowly.
“Seriously? Does chunky want a bun?” The steam roller trundles on. Slowly.
“HEY! LOOK! A BURGER VAN…”
Mighty looks left and then right, realizing he’s been duped and just smiles, continuing to dance.
The steam roller trundles on. Slowly.
“Well, he can’t claim that I didn’t see him – he’s a big glittery ball of cunt, dancing in the middle of a fucking walk way,” The Puppetmaster assures himself, as if he ever needed assuring anyway.
Mighty turns around, twerking.
The steam roller trundles on. Slowly. “Aim for the big moon and you can’t miss,” Felix hisses.
CRUNCH..
CRACK..
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The steamroller slowly but surely rolls over Mighty Mighty, crunching him into a flat pancake of glitter on the concrete floor. Foley looks back having murdered him, fluff floating in the air. “Man, if only he had time to move out of the way. I’m sorry Mighty, you weren’t even on my list,” he bemoans. “But at least you’re thin. You can thank me later.”
Foley hops off his steamroller, turning off the ignition.
“I suppose I could’ve just walked the rest of the way,” he says with a shrug, heading towards the curtain towards the ring, whereby if he steps through it, he’s out onto the entrance ramp.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: The Light Bringer looks unhinged as ever as he stares down Destructo Boy!
MATT RUBY: Let's hope he tears the felt off of that little git.
The bell rings and Locke is immediately on Destructo Boy! The Hero gets rocked by a massive right hook that sends him into the ropes! Locke whips him across the ring and explodes forwards with a massive clothesline!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING! BY GOD THAT CLOTHESLINE CAME STRAIGH FROM HELL!
MATT RUBY: Off with his head!
Destructo Boy backflips from the blow, landing with a thud next to Locke! The Mad Man forces Destructo Boy to his feet, clubbing him with a forearm across his back before forcing him onto his shoulders and running towards the turnbuckle with a buckle bomb!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: DIVINE INTERVENTION- NO! DESTRUCTO BOY LANDS ON THE TURNBUCKLE!
The Hopeful One balances on the top rope for a moment before leaping off!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: SHINING WIZARD! SEE! NO! EVIL! LOCKE GOT ROCKED!
Destructo Boy's knee collides with Lutherian's skull at deadly speeds! The Hero immediately kips up to his feet, hitting the ropes and springboarding off with a wild moonsault that keeps Locke down! He hooks a leg!
ONE! .... TWO- NO! KICK OUT!
Locke kicks out with authority, leaving Destructo Boy shocked as the Light Bringer gets almost immediately back up to his feet! He grabs hold of Destructo Boy and cracks him across the nose with a massive headbutt!
Destructo Boy fires back with a haymaker but Locke catches it! He hits a throat thrust before leaping onto Destructo Boy!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: HEAVENLY VIRTUE! THE GUILLOTINE CHOKE! HE'S GOT IT LOCKED IN!
MATT RUBY: THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! THROTTLE THAT WANNABE HERO!
The Kid tries to fight to keep on his feet but Locke drags him down to the mat! The Mad Man wrenches back on the hold, squeezing with all of his might as Destructo Boy tries his damndest to break free!
River Moonfoot slides in as Destructo Boy goes limp! He grabs his arm and drops it! IT FALLS! He grabs his arm again! IT FALLS ONCE MORE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: COME ON KID! FIGHT! GET UP!
MATT RUBY: Don't listen to him! Stay down!
One more lift... HIS HAND STAYS UP! DESTRUCTO BOY POWERS TO HIS FEET WITH LOCKE! ENLIGHTENED SOUL! SPINNING URANAGE!
Destructo Boy moves to the turnbuckle, trying to rush to the top!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: HIS FINAL BREATH! 630 SENTON TO LOCKE!
MATT RUBY: Damn it!
The Kid covers!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: This match was brutal, but despite it all Destructo Boy still prevails!.
The sound of rope dragging through a pully system echoes throughout the backstage area. Members of the Old School Wrestling backstage team watch on, murmuring with discontent and confusion.
“What on earth is Felix doing!?” One of them can be heard saying.
Meanwhile, behind him, medical professionals assess the pancaked shape Mighty Mighty.
Just then, Destructo Boy walks through the curtain, having just had his match with Lutherian Locke. He’s all smiles and glee, which really doesn’t make sense if you’d think about it.
WHOOSH!
The sound of rope being released from the very same pully system happens rapidly, and before you know it, a PIANO is falling from the ceiling at a rate of speed faster than Matteh’s bedtime surprise.
CHA-CHUNG!
WHAM! Destructo Boy barely gets a moment to look up as the Piano crushes him from above. With his little legs dangling out of the edge, Felix Foley comes to inspect the damage.
“Special Delivery!” He roars, basking in his insanity. “Felix Foley Courier Service, better than five to seven business days, and completely free!”
He reaches down and grabs one of Destructo Boy’s legs, ripping it from the torso that now resides beneath the piano. Foley scratches his back with the floppy fluffy leg and then tosses it aside.
“Who needs El Mariachi Muerte when you can create the sound of music yourself? I’m going to call this one the Symphony of Destruction!”
Before he can walk away, proud of himself and dusting his hands off, Lucky Cassidy approaches with a microphone. “Felix! Felix!” He yells to get his attention.
The Puppet master stops. “You’ve not yet done anything to wrong me, Lucky, but if you want to keep that nickname and your fluff stuffed head, you might want to shove your microphone in someone else’s faces. I’ve got enemies to murder and a world to break.”
Felix Foley storms off, leaving Lucky Cassidy stood there, deep in ponderous muppet thought.
Until he comes thundering back with a BRUTAL CLOTHESLINE THAT DECPATIATES THE MUPPETY HEAD OF LUCKY CASSIDY! JESUS CHRIST!
With Cassidy’s body spasming on the floor, Foley shrugs. “How’s that for a Lucky Break?”
MATT RUBY: We have a must see match with our Killer King Jasper Redgrave, along with Gravedigger and Queen Narcissa, taking on three absolute shitheads in CJ Thorpe, Jackson Cade, and Mr. Sunshine.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: While I disagree with your well thought out descriptions of one team, I can’t disagree this is a huge match with some heavy hitters!
Mills Stanton calls for the bell as Mr. Sunshine and Narcissa start things off. Narcissa charges out her corner at Cheery Charlie! UPRISING! NO! SUNSHINE CATCHES HER WITH A SPINEBUSTER! Charlie grabs both of Hera’s legs as he starts spinning! SUNRISE, SUNSET!
ONE REVOLUTION! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FI-SHOVEL READY!A well timed Bullhammer elbow by Gravedigger stops Mr. Sunshine! INCENDIARY ROUND! JACKSON CADE WITH ONE OF HIS OWN, TAKING OUT GRAVEDIGGER AND SENDING HIM OUT OF THE RING! JACKSON FOLLOWS SUIT!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Cade's letting his anger get the better of him as he charges after the Shovel!
Both Narcissa and Mr. Sunshine attempt to crawl to their corners. Both dive... ...Cade pulls down Redgrave and Gravedigger pulled down Thorpe! Both competitors prop themselves up, Narcissa staring daggers at Sunshine. They push themselves up and charge at one another, Sunshine launches himself into the air... “CATCH M...” UPRISING! THE BICYCLE KNEE HITS FLUSH, KNOCKING SUNSHINE OUT OF MIDAIR!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: What a sickening blow!
MATT RUBY: Narcy-baby is playing nasty tonight with that shot!
Hera tags out to Redgrave as Mills forces Cade and Gravedigger back to their corners. Jasper stalks Mr. Sunshine as he staggers back to his feet. SUPERKICK! Sunshine bounces off the ropes... INTO A SPINNING BACK ELBOW! COLLAGE OF VIOLENCE! REDGRAVE GOES FOR THE COVER! CJ BREAKS IT UP BEFORE ONE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Quick thinking from Thorpe with that blind tag earlier!
Thorpe pulls the Artist to his feet, jumping into the air...PATHFINDER! NO! REDGRAVE THROWS CJ OFF, DRAPING HIS LEGS OVER THE TOP ROPE... BLOOD ON THE CANVAS! Redgave goes to pull CJ up... HOSTILE DOWN! JACKSON'S SUPERKICK BLINDSIDES REDGRAVE! REVOLUTION! RIPCORD KNEE STRIKE AS NARCISSA RUSHES AN ATTACKING CADE! SUNSHINE SURPRISES NARCISSA WITH A QUICK FULL NELSON FLAPJACK! WELCOME TO THE SUNSHINE CLUB! GRAVEDIGGER CATCHES CHARLIE OFF GUARD AND HOISTS HIM ON HIS SHOULDERS! CRADLE TO THE GRAVE ON SUNSHINE! Thorpe tosses Gravedigger out of the ring! LOWBLOW FROM REDGRAVE! NO! CAUGHT BY CJ WHO GRABS THE OTHER ARM...THE RIGHT THING! CJ HOOKS THE LEG AS STANTON MAKES THE COUNT!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: CJ Thorpe has managed to win for his team!
MATT RUBY: Just great, the Cade family wins again. I bet a ton of money that they'd lose and now it's gone! What a joke.
With the match over, no-one expects Felix Foley to come stomping out from behind the curtain.
He stumbles to the ring, wobbling with that crooked grin plastered on his face, the kind that only comes with delirium and a hearty concussion. His eyes scans the dazed and exhausted Jasper Redgrave, still heaving after his match, swaying just slightly as he raised his fists in victory.
But before Jasper could bask in the audience’s disdain, Foley whipped out two long, sharpened pencils from his coat pocket. They glinted under the lights, absurdly bright and sinister.
The crowd gasped as Felix lunged, shoving the pencils deep into Jasper's eyes with a squishy pop. “Looks like you’ve... pencilled yourself in for an early exit!”
Jasper screamed, and Foley—barely suppressing a manic laugh—tightened his grip on the pencils like they were levers on some deranged marionette. In Foley’s fractured mind, Jasper just as bad as everyone else who’d wronged him; a beady-eyed, felt-skinned puppet that needed to be broken to break free.
"Oh, come on!" Foley shrieked gleefully as he yanked Jasper around the ring by the pencils, like a ghastly carnival ride. Jasper's arms flailed helplessly, his legs swinging as Foley spun him, faster and faster, until—POP!
Jasper's head tore free with a spray of fluff and confetti, the latter of which was ever-so-sparkling and glorious.
The head plopped onto the mat with a thud, wobbling to a stop at Foley’s feet. He bent down, cradling Jasper’s severed head like a delicate porcelain doll, then hoisted it onto his own head, wedging his face through Jasper’s gaping mouth. Foley turned to the now-silent crowd, Jasper’s head perched jauntily atop his own, giving him a comically sinister crown.
"Now I’m the King!” Foley bellowed, raising in victory. He surveyed his “subjects” with crazed satisfaction, his eyes glittering with madness and misplaced triumph.
In the stunned silence, someone in the crowd let out a tiny laugh, a nervous chuckle that grew and spread. Foley took a grand bow, blood and stuffing dripping from his gruesome new crown. He thought he was winning, finally defeating his puppet foes one by one.
The audience, horrified, fell deathly silent as Felix Foley strutted backstage.
MATT RUBY: We're about to see a first class ass beating here BB as The Chef makes mincemeat out of that would be hero.
The bell sounds as Arcadia rushes forward, ducking a line before springboarding off the ropes with a flying headscissors that sends Savor flying. Anton staggers up to his feet into a rolling Monkey Flip, sending him flying through the air into the corner but Savor barely gets time to pull himself up to his feet.
SPINNING SPLASH! Arcadia comes down hard on Savor, squashing him against the steel before climbing the ropes, grabbing Anton's head as he springs off TORNADO...NO! Anton throws Arcadia off as the Captain rolls to his feet, sprinting forward
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: WAIST LOCK SUPLEX! Anton grabs Arcadia out of nowhere, tossing him overhead right into the steel!
Arcadia stirs in the corner as Savor pulls him out, rolling around on the mat as he tries to use his superior skills to ground the high flyer. Savor grips him in a front facelock, rocking him with a few knees to the midsection before spinning around
MATT RUBY: DROPS HIM RIGHT ON THE BACK OF HIS STUPID HEAD WITH A CLUTCH SUPLEX! Savor bridging back as Holt counts
ONE .................. TWO.......ARCADIA KICKS OUT!
Savor pulls Arcadia up, rocking him with a series of hard chops but as he goes for the elbow, Arcadia ducks underneath, leaping up GRASPS OF JUSTICE! REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER DROPS SAVOR RIGHT ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD! Arcadia stumbles to his feet, leaping forward as Savor gets to his feet PUNCH OF THE..FLAMBE! Anton spinning back elbows Arcadia right out of the air, dropping the superhero to the mat.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Savor looking for the end here, lifting Arcadia up onto his shoulders. THE FINAL FACEBUSTER! Arcadia counters into a facebuster as both men are down on the canvas.
Both men slowly stagger up, Savor looking for a double leg that Arcadia catches with a kick to the jaw before he leaps up to the ropes, springboarding off. TORNADO SPIKE DDT! Savor is down and possibly out as Arcadia leaps up to the top, diving off.. RIGHT INTO THE CREME BRULEE! SUPERKICK TO THE DIVING ARCADIA!
MATT RUBY: Flaming dumbass at the table for one BB.
Arcadia looks out as Savor leaps on him, locking in the Gastronomy Guillotine. Arcadia is limp though as Holt checks his arm and quickly calls for the bell and Anton Savor's victory.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Huge victory for Anton Savor here as he puts down Captain Arcadia here tonight.
MATT RUBY: Ha! I told you BB, the people don't want heroes, they want that perfect cuisine and the Chef gave us all exactly that tonight.
Gravedigger whistled solemly as he dug, each shovelful of dirt flying up in a neat arc. The pit was nearly finished, wide enough to cradle a casket but deep enough that he didn’t notice Felix Foley sneaking up behind him, hands rubbing together like a villain in a cartoon.
Foley grinned down into the pit, practically vibrating with excitement. “Well, well, well, Gravey—digging yourself in a little deep, aren’t you?” Gravedigger looked up, confused, but only for a moment. Foley gave a mighty heave and pushed the gravestone perched precariously above the pit. With a sharp crack, it toppled forward, slamming into Gravedigger and pinning him flat to the ground.
“Ooof!” Gravedigger gasped, but Foley only cackled, wiping dirt off his hands. “Oh, don’t go looking so grave!” he snickered. “Looks like you’re in a... rocky situation, eh?”
Gravedigger groaned, barely able to wriggle under the weight of the stone. “Are you gonna finish the job, or pun me to death?”
Foley leaned over the edge of the pit, gleefully surveying his handiwork.
“Pun? You’re pinned, how about that? Not the first time I’ve pinned you is it?” Foley says with a grin. “What’s the matter, old boy? Don’t take it to heart! You’re crushing it!” Foley’s grin grew wider, eyes glinting with an almost maniacal delight. “How about this: you’re... headstone dead wrong if you thought you’d get away from me!”
Foley cackled and continued, hardly able to contain himself. “Oh, did I guess I did bury you in puns after all. Well, get used to it, Gravey! You’re going to be in the dead centre of it all! And you know what they say—a grave mistake is a grave mistake, no getting out of it!”
Gravedigger’s muffled voice barely escaped from under the stone, “Foley… you’re insane…”
“Insane?” Foley feigned offense, clutching his chest. “I’m simply plotting my revenge, chum! And now you’re part of my little groundbreaking performance.”
Gravedigger managed to lift his head just enough to glare at Foley, but Foley wagged a finger. “Ah-ah! It’s rude to give grave looks to your new tomb-mate!” He hopped down into the pit beside Gravedigger, stooping down to pat the gravestone affectionately. “Rest in pebbles, Gravy,” Foley whispered dramatically.
He stands over him, lifting his boot. “Hope you like it down here… looks like you’ve finally dug yourself into a corner!” Foley gave a final, hearty laugh before STOMPING BRUTALLY on Gravediggers head before climbing out of the grave.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: The Warden of Weird is set to go toe to toe with perhaps someone even odder than himself; Calypso!
MATT RUBY: Check out the fabric on her! Nothing odd about that, Bronco!
Klaus makes the first move as the match gets underway, rolling across the ring before popping up with a clothesline! But Calypso ducks the blow, slipping behind the Ringmaster and downing him with a leaping neckbreaker! Calypso holds on and rolls over!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: THE PACT! SHE ROLLS INTO THE MUTA LOCK!
MATT RUBY: The real magic is how flexible she is! What a doll!
Calypso arches her back, synching in the hold as Klaus fights to get free! He reaches up and locks his hands around Calypso's chin! He rolls through and brings both competitors to their feet!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: ROLL UP! ROLL UP! KLAUS ROLLS CALYPSO UP WITH THE GANNOSUKE CLUTCH!
MATT RUBY: It's just plain weird for a man to be that flexible, Bronco!
The referee drops for the count! ONE! .. TWO! KICK OUT! CALYPSO BREAKS FREE!
Mama Calypso is dazed from the fast paced exchange, Klaus trying to capitalize as he rushes her down with a running back elbow! But Calypso ducks, the Oddball turning around right into a cross chop to the throat!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: THE OFFERING! KLAUS WAY IS GASPING FOR AIR!
MATT RUBY: She could make me gasp any day!
The Ringmaster grabs his throat in agony, backpedaling to the ropes as Calypso flies towards him with a clothesline that Klaus ducks! The Voodoo Child lands on the apron and Klaus nails her with a roundhouse to the head!
He gets onto the middle rope, grabbing hold of Calypso and going for a suplex!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: MIDDLE ROPE SUPLEX! KLAUS JUST SLINGSHOT CALYPSO INTO THE CENTER OF THE RING!
MATT RUBY: Does anyone know what this freak is going to do next?
Black Magic writhes in agony in the center of the ring as Klaus stalks around the ring! He begs for Calypso to get to her feet before rushing her down with a bulldog! The Voodoo Child is in dire straits, dazed as she gets back to her feet in front of a waiting Klaus Way!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: THE BLOOD RITUAL! SHE SPITS A RED MIST INTO KLAUS' FACE!
MATT RUBY: Reverse facial? Most people have to pay for that!
Calypso slips behind Klaus, grabbing hold of him!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: HUMAN SACRIFICE! THE STANDING DIAMOND DUST PLANTS KLAUS ON THE MAT!
MATT RUBY: Cover him! Cover him!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: This was a true showcase of oddities, and it looks like Calypso was too weird even for Klaus!
Felix Foley strutted out of the mortuary, whistling a tune and dusting his hands off after his “little chat” with Gravedigger. He was still grinning when he stopped dead in his tracks. There, blocking the path, was none other than Tombstone—his longtime nemesis, a towering brute who looked like he was chiseled out of the toughest cotton, and twice as angry.
“Foley!” Tombstone bellowed, eyes blazing. “You crossed the line, taking out Gravedigger. He was my understudy, you maniac!”
Foley raised a brow, feigning surprise. “Oh, was he? Well, you better start mourning; that guy’s officially grounded!”
With a roar, Tombstone charged at him, fists flying. But Foley just blinked, utterly unfazed as punches and kicks rained down like a summer shower. Tombstone, confused and getting a bit winded, swung at Foley’s head, only for his knuckles to connect with… felt.
“That all you got?” Foley smirked, pulling off his Tombstone’s arm like a magician with a cheap prop. Tombstone froze, jaw dropping as Foley waggled his detached arm in front of him.
“Oh, you like this?” Foley grinned, twirling his arm. “I’m disarming, aren’t I?”
Tombstone stammered, stepping back, but Foley flung the severed arm, smacking Tombstone square in the face. Foley giggled, sauntering over to retrieve it. “There, there, Tombstone—no hard feelings between us, right? After all, you’re about to become a real pillar of the community.”
With a wild laugh, Foley brandished the detached limb like a club, smacking Tombstone in the gut, the head, and anywhere else that looked like it could rip cotton. Tombstone staggered, trying to regain his balance.
“Oh, poor Tombstone,” Foley cooed, whacking him again. “Feeling down to the bone, are we?”
He struck with relentless glee, each swing of the arm followed by a new pun. “It’s hard to face your fate, isn’t it? What’s the matter, you look… stiff with terror.”
Tombstone stumbled, his defences crumbling like a poorly-built mausoleum. Foley twirled his arm one last time, raising it high before delivering a final, skull-cracking blow.
As Tombstone slumped to the ground, Foley stood over him with the arm in hand, flexing it proudly. “Well, Tombstone, you really couldn’t handle that, could you? Guess you’re not quite as rock-solid as I thought!” Foley bowed dramatically, basking in his own performance as his fallen foe lay still, another victim to Foley’s twisted, pun-filled puppet rampage.
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: It's time for the main event and who else would it be starring but Felix Foley!
MATT RUBY: Nox is here to finish the job of Doom. For The Corporate, everything is business but that doesn't mean some things aren't also personal.
DING! DING! Foley is hot out of the gates with a Thesz press! He's raining down right after right! He's not stopping and Nox can't seem to get out of it!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: This isn't pretty but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it especially after what Nox has done!
MATT RUBY: Doom needed a business partner not a friend!
After what seems like an eternal downpour of blows, Nox rakes the eyes to get a breather! He uses the opportunity and grabs Foley's nose! Foley is forced to breathe with only his mouth and Nox was one step ahead! POISON MISTER! BRONCO BLACKWOOD: That just isn't right, all of that got in his mouth and he's choking on that mist!
MATT RUBY: I thought you liked when people played ugly.
Nox has the clear advantage as he has his way with Foley! A clothesline from Nox! Another and Another! Foley can't focus and Nox is hitting from all sides! He finishes the onslaught with a lariat to the back of the head! NOX GRABS FOLEY'S WRIST AND PULLS HIM IN FOR A SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! NO! FOLEY SPITS THE MIST CHOKING HIM BACK ONTO NOX! IT COVERS NOX'S MASK AND IS BLINDING HIM! FOLEY PUTS NOX ON HIS SHOULDERS! BUMPED HIS HEAD!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: Foley uses Nox's dirty tactics against him and nails the death valley driver to add insult to injury!
MATT RUBY: Wouldn't it be adding injury to insult? No you're right, the other way sounds better.
Foley pulls Nox up and whips him into the corner! He charges and Nox instinctually gets out of the way! Foley eats all of that turnbuckle and Nox takes the chance to wipe his mask off before dropping Foley with a STO backbreaker! HE'S NOT DONE AS HE SCOOPS UP FOLEY AND DROPS HIM ON HIS KNEE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! SCHRODINGER'S SPINE! HE NAILS FIVE BACKBREAKERS BEFORE DROPPING FOLEY TO THE CANVAS WITH A FALLAWAY SLAM!
MATT RUBY: Does his spine even exist after all those backbreakers?
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: We'll find out as Nox isn't done with it yet it seems…
NOX SITS ON THE SPINE AND LOCKS IN THE OXYGEN DEPRIVATION CHAMBER! HE'S WRENCHING BACK BUT FOLEY BITES HIS HAND AND NAILS THE DOUBLE ARM DDT!
CUT THE STRINGS OUT OF NOWHERE!
FOLEY COVERS!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
BRONCO BLACKWOOD: FOLEY PROVED WHY YOU DON'T STEAL BEST FRIENDS WITH THAT WIN!
The arena lights flickered once, twice—and in an instant, with a snap of Felix Foley’s fingers, the grim wrestling ring twisted into a macabre funhouse theatre. Neon lights buzzed erratically, casting eerie colors over warped mirrors, ragged red curtains, and cardboard cutouts of a crowd with painted-on faces, grinning like demented puppets.
At the center of it all, tied spread-eagle to four hovering drones, was Doom, Foley’s former partner-turned-traitor, his arms and legs pulled taut as he dangled in midair. Foley adjusted the straps of his singlet and tipped an imaginary hat to Doom, smirking as he turned to Nox, who had barely managed to catch his breath from the previous match.
“Oh, Nox, you noxious little nightmare,” Foley sneered, emphasizing the name with a mocking twist. “Did you really think you could leave me in the dust with this one?” He gestured flamboyantly toward Doom, who struggled weakly against the drone tethers, his eyes wide with fear.
Foley’s voice turned low and dangerous, dripping with dark humor. “You two think you're so toxic, like some high-and-mighty, dangerous compound, huh? But look at you—fumbling around like you’re just… noxious fumes. No real substance, huh!? Ain’t that the truth!” Foley cackled, delighted by his own joke.
“Oh, this?” He waved a hand at Doom, his grin spreading wider. “This is my masterpiece. Saving the best for last, Doomsy! You betrayed me, your own best friend, to side with this gaseous goon?” Foley’s eyes glittered with mad amusement as he turned back to Nox. “And now… I get to make you watch as I turn him into… well, pieces!”
Nox lunged at Foley, rage in his eyes, but Foley dodged effortlessly, clicking his tongue. “Ah-ah-ah! I wouldn’t want you blowing up in a chemical reaction, now would I?” He laughed, swinging his arm to signal the drones, which pulled Doom’s limbs in four directions, each one holding him at an impossible angle. Doom grimaced, but Foley only chuckled, leaning in close to Nox.
“Careful, Nox,” he whispered, smirking, “your dangerous levels of toxicity are showing. Don’t want to make the air around here noxious, do we? I think our bestie is close to pooping his pants, after all.”
Foley raised a finger, watching Nox’s anger simmer to the surface. “I know what you’re thinking, that you’re some indestructible, dangerous chemical. But let me tell you—tonight, I’m the solvent, and you’re about to dissolve right in front of me.”
With a snap, Foley invites him to fight.
Foley cackled as he flicked his fingers, and metal hooks shot out from the darkness above, latching onto Nox’s arms and legs with an almost gleeful snap! In an instant, Nox was strung up like a marionette, his limbs jerking with each tug of the wires. Foley smirked, sauntering over to his helpless foe with a grin that was both gleeful and deadly.
“Well, look at you, Nox,” Foley cooed, his voice dripping with mock sympathy. “All strung up with nowhere to go! Honestly, I’d call this a reaction, but I’m sure you’d think of it as more of a chain reaction!”
Nox struggled, but the hooks only pulled tighter, stretching him in ways no puppet—or person—should be stretched. Foley gestured grandly toward Doom, still tied to the four drones, his limbs quivering as the machines hovered menacingly around him.
“Ah, Doomsy,” Foley sneered. “You’ve really found yourself in bonding trouble here. Betraying me to side with Mr. Toxic over here? A real volatile choice!” He let out a delighted laugh. “And now, you two get to do what you were always meant to do—break apart!”
With a snap of Foley’s fingers, the hooks holding Nox yanked forward, forcing him to reach out and grip Doom’s wrists and ankles. Nox tried to resist, but Foley only chuckled, flicking his wrist as the strings forced Nox’s hands to pull harder.
“Oh, don’t be such a reaction inhibitor, Nox!” Foley chided. “Just go with the flow—you’re pulling your weight for once!”
Doom’s face twisted in agony as the drones jerked, his limbs slowly being pulled in opposite directions. “Nox, no—” Doom pleaded, but Nox could do nothing as the wires dragged his arms outward, his own muscles used against his friend.
“Come on, Nox,” Foley drawled, “let’s really tear things up!” Foley pulled a lever, and the strings jerked, forcing Nox’s hands to yank Doom’s limbs with finality. With a sickening pop, Doom’s body came apart in Nox’s hands, limbs twisting free as the drone strings released him in a spray of stuffing.
Foley clapped gleefully. “Now that was explosive chemistry!”
Nox’s face beneath his mask went pale, his breath ragged. Foley only grinned wider, snapping his fingers again as the hooks yanked Nox into a bowing position, marionette-style. “Oh, Nox, what’s the matter? You’re looking a little gassed!”
With one final flick of his wrist, Foley tightened the wires around Nox’s throat, twisting his head at an unnatural angle as he crooned, “And now, it’s curtains for you, my little toxic friend! Don’t worry—you’ll dissolve painlessly into the void. I’ll make sure of it.”
Foley stood centre stage in the funhouse, the bodies of his former friends and foes sprawled around him like broken dolls. He was panting, dizzy with exhaustion and a strange, hollow triumph. His laughter faded, leaving an eerie silence in the room. Each face stared back at him, lifeless eyes still made of glassy buttons, felt mouths frozen in expressions of shock. All he saw were muppets, still stubbornly muppets. His vision hadn't shifted. His reality hadn't cracked. He hadn’t escaped at all.
He sighed, looking around the twisted theatre he’d constructed. “Oh, look at you all,” he muttered, his voice almost soft. “I thought if I ripped the stuffing out of every one of you, I’d be free. I thought that maybe if I just pulled the right strings, I’d get out of this miserable muppet show.”
He kicked Gravedigger’s head across the floor, where it rolled until it stopped against Tombstone’s limp arm. “What a grave disappointment that was!” He snickered half-heartedly, wiping a smear of blood off his jacket with an air of annoyance. “Turns out there’s no burying the truth, huh?”
Foley paced, glancing up at the neon lights flickering overhead, frustration twisting his face. “I tried everything, didn’t I? Took control, shredded my puppet enemies one by one, staged the perfect show…” He threw his hands up dramatically. “And here I am! Still in this felt-covered nightmare!”
A single spotlight flickered on, illuminating him in the centre of the carnage. He gave a dark, wry smile, spreading his arms. “A final bow? Oh, what the heck. You only dangle once, right?”
With a sudden creak, a noose descended from the rafters, swaying in front of him like an invitation. Foley cocked his head at it, chuckling with bitter amusement. “Well, this is one string I haven’t pulled yet.” He slipped his neck through the noose, adjusting it as though it were the collar of a fine tuxedo.
He looked out at the imaginary audience, the twisted shapes of his former friends watching him from the shadows. “Guess there’s no point in hanging around here anymore, is there?”
With a final snap of his fingers, Foley kicked the stool out from beneath him, a look of defiant glee on his face as he dropped. The funhouse dimmed, his laughter echoing one last time through the rafters, leaving the puppeteer as lifeless as the muppets he’d destroyed, his twisted performance finally over.
Gasp.
Foley’s eyes thrust open, revealing Momma Foley stood over him in his bedroom. “Baby, are you okay?”
Felix looks up, his foggy eyes clearing to reveal his mother… a human.
“I think I am,” he stammers. “But… but.. I fear the real show has only just begun.”
His mom looks at him quizzically.
~Fin.