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The Hunter

The Hunter

A professional hunter knows what he’s looking for, aye?

It’s a wee bit of a field out there for the normal eye, but the true men of the woods already know where ya’blokes are hiding from us.

We ought to lay low, says the lowly radge who ain’t got a penny in his pocket, but we’re different hunters.

Aye, we ain’t going to wait like a bunch of gammies while our prize gets away from us!

So our brother and I do what’s best by readying our weaponry and become the aggressors – 

Because none of ’em expect a pair of impatient hunters to storm their gates and ruin their grazing party – at least not as quickly as we do. 

Before you know it, Knack and I are targeting our prize like a Hollywood action movie – bullets are flying every which way, bam – right into those bloody motherfuckas’ eyeballs. Before you know it, we’re on Leprechaun Weekly – holding our pot of gold for the rest of the world to see. 

But it doesn’t stop there. 

Because after we go through our wonderful media frenzy and become bazillionaires, we can buy every bit of goddamn gold we please. 

But, then there’s the other hunters. 

Aye, these woods aren’t just occupied by two supernatural beings from Irish folklore – they’re filled with other bullets that belong to the ones that are tryin’ to keep me from me gold

Me goddamn goooooooooold

Let me tell ya lad, you may as well cut me arms and legs off if you ever think ya’ see the day when ole’ Tally throws in the towel. 

But these are persistent folk, and they want nothing more than to fuck up our day. 

Little do they know; we will have already taken what’s ours before they could even get a whiff of our arses. 

Because in this hunt, there is no one quicker and dirtier than the Lucky Charms.

During one hunt, a fellow wanted to play the big tough guy and stand in the way of our prize. 

So we stole his rifle, broke both of his legs with it, and then my brother proceeded to skull fuck him. His partner was there with him – watching in pure horror as we had our way with the shifty cunt until he was incapacitated enough to our satisfaction. 

Poor boy gets wheeled around by his bubba now – and wheelchairs don’t work too well in these woods. 

No hard feelings for the little shit – he knew well enough what was about to happen and still opted to take it. 

Never got his name – and don’t care really – just like I don’t care about the names of the hunters that stand in the way our precious gold. 

Their bones will break – just like the bones of others have in our wake. 

Their blood will spill – as it always spills from those that wish to challenge us for the only thing that matters to us. 

They will regret ever deciding to stand up to the likes of The Lucky Charms – because I’ll not rest – 

Until I have me gold.