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The Artist

[Nick Diamond is stood next to CJ Thorpe.]

Nick Diamond: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m stood here with CJ Thorpe. Mr. Thorpe, I was wondering if I could have a word about your upcoming duel with The Pool Boys.

CJ Thorpe: Of cou–.

[His voice trails off. Into the picture walks Jasper Redgrave dawned in a fancy silk shirt with the buttons undone, and dark sunglasses covering his eyes.]

[The Artist overexaggerates his movements as he extends a hand, putting one single finger across the lips of Thorpe as if to silence him.]

Jasper Redgrave: Shh, shh, shh. Can you guys hear that?

[Redgrave looks CJ and Nick up and down.]

Nick Diamond: Hear what?

Jasper Redgrave: Shh. Listen and you can hear the millions… ANDDDDD MILLLLLLIONS of The Artist’s fans chanting his name.

[A closer listen would reveal the crowd chanting “JASPER, JASPER, JASPER.” Redgrave snatches the microphone from Nick’s hands and snaps his head to the side.]

Jasper Redgrave: Listen here, Nick the Prick, The Artist says this. You don’t get to being the most ELECTRIFYING man in all of OSW simply by cleaning pools. NAH UH!

[Redgrave motions with his hands a gesture that says no. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Nick staring intently at him.]

Jasper Redgrave: Do you like what you see, son?

[He snaps his head to look at Nick Diamond, whos startled.]

Jasper Redgrave: I know The Artist is one sexy sonuvabitch, but The Artist doesn’t need you staring a hole in the back of his head while daddy’s handling business.

[Jasper grabs Nick by the shoulders, spinning him around to stare at the wall behind him.]

Jasper Redgrave: Don’t.. move.

[He holds out his hands as if he was carefully placing Nick into position before turning to the camera.]

Jasper Redgrave: Destructo Boy, Blaze.. The Artist says grab your towels. Put on your swim trunks. Oil each other up real nice with sunblock. Take a nice stroll, hand in hand, down there to the Odyssey Pool and once you get there, The Artist wants you to grab that pool cleaning net. The Artist says grab that pool net, extend it as faaaaaaar as it will go.. turn that sonuvabitch sideways and stick IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR ROODY-POO CANDY ASSES!

[He pauses, head held high as the fans inside the arena erupt with cheers.]

Jasper Redgrave: Because when the two of you jabronis walk down that ramp and step into that ring.. you’re not stepping into the ring with just anyone. You’re going toe to toe with The Great One! The Artist will be there with a smile on his face ready to open the doors to the Smackdown Hotel and whip your candy asses all over Zeus’ beloved Arcadia!

[Jasper tilts his head to the side, looking at Nick Diamond who is attempting to turn around.]

Jasper Redgrave: C’mere Nick, let The Great One ask you a question. Who do you think will win this match?

Nick Diamond: Well, Jasp–.

Jasper Redgrave: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO YOU THINK WILL WIN!

[The arena explodes again.]

Jasper Redgrave: IF YA SMELLLLLL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-OWWWWW WHAT THE ARTIST….

[Another pause. He pulls the sunglasses off his face.]

Jasper Redgrave: ISSSSSSSSSSSS COOKIN’!!!

[Eyebrow raised.]

[The Artist storms off leaving Nick and CJ standing.]

CJ Thorpe: HAVE A NICE DAY!

[Thorpe gives a thumbs up.]

[Fade.]

Jasper Redgrave