“Man, I’m addicted to Tetris.”
“It’s totally righteous.”
“If you’ve never played, you’re missing out, dudes. The way it works is simple really, even a ditz could figure out. When you start the game, the shapes start falling slowly and it’s your job to put them into positions within the confines of the screen.”
“The idea is to try and fit these completely different pieces together.”
“Every time you make a complete line, it vanishes, giving you more space to keep fitting together pieces.”
“Wrestle Heroes is a lot like Tetris, right?”
“It starts with four different tetrominos.”
“You have Israel Grimwolf, he’s easily the S shape. He’s totally mental, man. He’s the most heinous tetromino there is. You must be really brill to position him, or else he’ll come back later to screw your whole system up. Red Snow proved that.”
“Then there’s Sigil, he’s the T shape. There’s almost no-where this guy can’t go. Left, right, upside down – you name it, this gnarly shape is flexible. If Sigil wants to go somewhere, he just ups and goes. With his portals, there’s no-where he can’t fit.”
“Voynich is the I shape. He’s straight down the middle, right? You know what you get with Voynich, and you always want a shape like this coming down the line. He fits almost anywhere, is loved by every player and you know what you’re getting.”
“Finally, there’s Sanctus Bellator – the O shape, though I’m going to just call it at it is and say he’s the square, dude. That bible basher isn’t the best or the worst of all the shapes, but often, he’s there when you’d rather he not be, like when you’re mackin’ out behind the bike sheds and that religious rube shows up.”
“All these shapes need to fit together somehow and at Wrestle Heroes, they’re joined by so many more. There’s the L shape, the J shape and the Z shape. Everyone on this roster is a tetromino of some variety and as the night progresses, three lines get removed from the screen.”
“But to complete the game, three lines aren’t enough. You must remove all the lines. You have to have a clear screen, dude.”
“So, what shape am I, I hear you ask?”
“I’m not any shape.”
“I’m not an S, T, I, O, L, J or Z.”
“I’m the funky fresh legit player, hands on the buttons, moving all of you pieces around the board.”
“And Great Scott, if I’m not gonna clear some lines at Wrestle Heroes.”
“I’m gonna do that until there’s none left. When that happens, there’s only one winner you bunch of barf-bags and that’s me, The Generation Kid.”
“Because at this game of Tetris, I’m top of the leader board.”
“So, don’t hate the player, hate the game.”