Children, are any of you familiar with religion?
I am, Mr. Teddy.
Wonderful, Franklin. Can you share with your peers what religion is?
It’s when you believe in something greater than yourself.
I think that’s a fine place to start, Franklin. I do. After all, a man who doesn’t believe in anything greater than himself is truly a man without a religion, isn’t he?
Yes!
But there’s a step your definition needs to take before it is something we can truly work with.
You see children, it is true that Religion is when you believe in something greater than yourself.
But religion…
A true Religion…
It’s an idea so much greater than yourself, that you’d go to war and die for it.
I know. I know. It is something of a grim thought for your little minds.
Is there anything you would go to war for, Franklin? And die for?
Uhh. My mommy and daddy.
Aww. What a wonderfully appropriate answer. And I’m sure they’d do the same for you.
But your mommy and daddy are not ideas. They are flesh and blood.
See, many people will go to war and die for their religion.
But the sad truth of it all is that some religions are better than others.
And this is proveable.
Lets say that a religion is good if and only if the world could not live without it. Shall we?
That seems fine, Mr. Teddy.
So what if a man’s religion was pain. Is pain something we could all live without?.
Yes! I don’t like pain.
Very few do. And yet, there are some who are bound to its principles. But it is nonetheless clear that nearly everyone would be happier without it.
What about death?
Some people’s religion is death, Mr. Teddy?
Too many, I’m afraid.
I don’t want anyone to die!
Well then, let us cast aside death as one of the bad religions.
What about the ability to perceive the imperceiveable?
What the heck does that mean Mr. Teddy?
Well, some people believe that you must awaken a sight greater than your eyes in order to understand the world. They even blind themselves in order to make such perception easier.
Nonsense, Mr. Teddy. Folks need their eyes.
Then let’s call that a bad religion as well.
Let’s!
How about fashion?
I think the world would be just fine if people wear whatever they want.
I do too, children. What about the news?
Don’t need it!
Okay. What about the APD?
My daddy says they’re corrupt!
Well, a corruptable religion isn’t good.
…How about sugar, children?
You mean like… candy?
Yes. What if… Someone took all the candy and sugary treats away?
THEY CAN’T DO THAT! THEY CAN’T TAKE OUR CANDY AWAY!!!
Why not?
…Well, sometimes, it’s the only thing in the world that makes me feel good.
Ah! It appears we’ve finally found a religion worth going to war for, haven’t we? A religion we cannot go without.
Yes!
And who here can lead the charge into war, children?
The Candy Man can!