In Promo by Vigour

I watched the Final Destination movies recently.

It was quite funny to me, because the premise is based on pretending that humans have magical fucking heightened senses, when we all know they don’t. They can’t predict the future, they can’t see what’s going to happen, they can only guess, and sometimes those guesses just happen to be right.

It’s like me saying that one day in the next 3 years, the sun will rise at six minutes past seven in the morning. Fucking obviously. But I’m going to be wrong a lot more times than I’m right.

But I found these horror movies interesting to watch, because you have to almost forget it’s a movie and just lose yourself in it. And especially with this franchise, because every slight action or inaction could be the start of the rube goldberg machine that leads to your gory death.

You watch as the main character spills some oil and declines to clean it up, and you know they’re slipping at some point. They leave a heater on and you know they’re going fucking up in flames.

Or maybe they leave the dishwasher open, with the nice sharp knife pointing upwards, and you can already see in your head that they are definitely ending up impaled on the end of that spike before the movie is done. And lo and be-fucking-hold? They fall, and the spike goes strain through their heart.

In some ways it’s their own hubris that brings them down – they don’t listen to the signs presented to them. They ignore common sense. They believe that they know how things work, and that they’re damn near invincible.

Well The Impaler has his choice now. He’s been walking around, part of some freaky franchise directed by Chronoa, and the suspense has been building slowly but surely. It’s been a fucking hoot, I tell you. But he’s now come to the turning point of the movie. The fucking crossroads. He feels invincible. He thinks he knows what is up. Will he do the obvious thing that will rescue him from a sure demise, or will he too ignore the signs, just like the characters from those movies?

We’ve seen him make the effort to try and find that right action, but the truth is that he’s walking dangerously close to the dishwasher, and his foot’s about to land on the oil. It’s only a matter of time before The Impaler is impaled by his own hubris too. There’s still hope, but Impaler, you’ve really got to fight to ensure this isn’t your Final Destination. You can’t slip up! This can be the start of your journey rather than the end.

Rip up that script and buck the order. Lets see who’s really under that mask. The director of your fucking torture porn bullshit isn’t worth fucking yourself over for anyway. Maybe when you lose that mask, you’ll lose your inhibitions too, and you’ll see that life really is for living.

So lets do it now, and do it loud!