In Promo, Teddy O'Toole by Teddy O'Toole

Have you heard, sweet children?

THEY want you to stop eating candy.

THEY want you to LIVE as LONG as you can.

EVEN if that means you cannot enjoy sweets.

EVEN if that means all you can eat are vegetables.

They are SOCIOPATHS in WHITE COATS who claim they only want what is best for each and every one of you.

They make PROMISES. Promises that sound so SWEET you would think they coated those promises in chocolate.

“Give me your money,” they promise. “And I will extend your life.”

Such sweet, sweet promises…

But they aren’t confectioneers or chocolatiers. They are SANITIZERS. OPERATORS. APPOINTMENT MAKERS!

And when you see them children…

When your parents take you to their offices and make you sit down on their table and wait far too long to be seen even though you already made an APPOINTMENT…

I caution each of you to be wary of their forked-tongued promises.

My sweet children, they say that Teddy O’Toole’s candy comes with cavities.

But promises from these sociopaths always comes with a CAVEAT.

They will tell you that a day is coming. A day when you’ll have to CHOOSE between staying alive or enjoying my CHEWS. You’ll have to make a CHOICE between a vegetable filled life or candy REJOICE.

What for?

Hmm? Why do these so-called DOCTORS want you to live for SO LONG and in SUCH MISERY?

What do they GAIN from your LOSS of never enjoying a SWEET FLAVOR again?

Well, the longer you live and the more miserable you are…

The longer they retain a client.

And all the richer they get.

You see, these doctors don’t want you to feel good.

If you feel good, you don’t need a doctor.

They want you to feel bad.

But I want you to feel good.

And nothing feels better than that first bite of chocolate in the morning. Those afternoon Teddy Bears. Those evening Sour Twists.

You see, sweet children?

I don’t want you to live forever.

I just want you to be happy while you’re here.

Because I love you.

But the doctor does not love you.

He is INCAPABLE of love. He is an uncaring, EMOTIONLESS creature who is just as happy to CUT you open and STAB around in your insides with a scalpel as he is checking your reflexes and your heart rate.

And for the right amount of money?

Well, the doctor might just kill you anyway.

So who can put an end to this sociopath in a white jacket? Who can stop this so-called miracle worker who wants to tell YOU how to LIVE YOUR LIFE?

Who can look the doctor in the eye and say the only medicine we need is a nice glass of hot chocolate SPIKED with Brand New Cherry Flavor?

While the doctor concerns himself only with filling his pockets with gold and impressing Zeus, who can concern himself with filling your pockets with candy and impressing your TASTEBUDS?

The Candy Man Can.