Six Pack Challenge
When you’re A-List like me, they make you go to these big parties.
The more the merrier, they say.
So I roll up and look at the best this town has to offer.
Pricks, the lot of em.
But if you’re going to be the man, you gotta do what they say. So I came up with a little game to play.
Six Pack Challenge.
It’s pretty simple. I saddle up at the bar, drinking the finest they got. But my eyes aren’t on my drink. No, they’re on the little lady down the row.
See, the way the game is played is simple. I wait for five suitors to step up to the plate with this girl. They buy a drink and spit their best game. They want to take her home. Maybe she entertains them, maybe she blows them off.
Maybe on a different night, she’d go home with one of them.
But not tonight.
Why? I’ll get to that.
When we walk into the Slaughterhouse for Rust Out, it’s a big fucking shindig, ain’t it?
And the powers-that-be seem to think that the more people we pack into that ring the better.
Bunch of pricks.
But I’m always up for a fight, and you bet your ass I’m always up for another round of Six Pack Challenge.
The little lady’s already sat at the bar.
The VHS Championship.
I’m going to let the five suitors come forward, and make their case for taking the strap home. They’ll put their all into the game they spit.
Cael Gable’ll dazzle her with his rusty gold medals and his new punk-ass attitude.
Sigil’ll show her his fancy jewelry box, offer to take her on a magic carpet ride.
Corvus’ll take Death’s dick out his mouth, and show her his black hand.
But you know, speaking of Death, let’s talk about his librarian.
Me and you got beef, and I bet you think it’d be real slick to steal my little lady. Go ahead and show her your book.
I’ll remind both of you how full of shit both it and you are.
And that leaves the biggest prick of ‘em all.
You’re trying too hard, bud.
Hiring a gang of thugs? Marrying my friend? Poisoning me?
You did all that shit, and what did it get you?
Not a goddamned thing.
But here you are.
Here you all are.
Six Pack Challenge.
So why don’t the other suitors get to take the lady home?
Cause they didn’t understand the game. It was never to get the lady.
It was never in doubt that the lady was going home with the sixth man.
Me. Ole Hollywood.
Because I’m the one that brought her to the party. She was always mine, the game is that no one realized it.
So bring your best, boys. Try to take the gold from me, but know that when I wake up the next morning, she’s going to be in my bed.
Because I’m Luke fucking Storm.
The VHS Champion.
And y’all are going home empty fucking handed!