“Welcome one and all to a very special edition of the Foley Funhouse.”
“Today we’re putting on a very special show.”
“So sit back and enjoy… Puppetmonium!”
“Hey there, my name is Gullible Gemini and I’m really confused; where are the Panda’s? This is Pandemonium, right?”
“Bitch, who cast a spell on you?”
“Don’t be a silly goof, Ghastly Gemini.”
“Hey there, I’m Curious Colt and I would love to take a picture of you both, but there seems to be just one of you. I’m not worried about winning Pandemonium; I just want memories.”
“What’s he talking about?, Ghast?”
“Sounds like an idiot to me.”
“Would anyone like a really depressing song about death? It’s in Spanish, so you probably won’t understand it, but I might be able to bore you over the top rope. They call me The Sad Mariachi. Have you met my best friend, Doctor Dumbass?”
“That’s me! The Doctor will see you now; unless you have an actual medical emergency, in which case I’d suggest a real Doctor.”
“You’re under arrest for impersonating a Doctor, Doctor Dumbass. My name is Cadet Cade and I’m sort of a police officer for the APD.”
“Don’t worry, he won’t be able to catch you. He hasn’t caught me yet, have you?”
“Is that the dastardly Redrum Redgrave!?”
“If you have to ask, you’re not a very good cop, are you? Let’s face it, you’re sort of a police officer because you’re fucking terrible at it; you’re terrible at winning matches too. He won’t win Pandemonium, folks.”
“Paiiiiiiiinnnnnnn….”
“What the hell was that? Visually Challenged Vision cannot see, only hear. Where is the ring? Where are the ropes? Can someone find me a guide dog?”
“Colt, down boy. You can’t have mine. Besides, it sounded like Grimskull. He loves enduring pain.”
“Paiiiiiiiinnnnnnn….
“Dora the Explorer, is that you nigga? Little Anorexic, Dreadlock Drexl, never forgets a fuckin’ voice, yo’.”
“Do any of you even care about the Panda’s we were promised?”
“Wagwan chica, I got a black and white Panda in my pants.”
“Ohhh, can I touch it?”
“Paiiiiiiiinnnnnnn….”
“Oh my God, that was NOT a panda.”
“Do any of you even care about winning Pandemonium? I, uh… I think we should all think about winning Pandemonium – those are the rules and we must follow the rules or else.”
“Oh great, it’s Conservator Dickhead, innit.”
“There’s only one man winning Pandemonium. Take it from me, Felix Foley.”
“You see, some of you are a great bunch of folks. Gullible Gemini, Dora the Explorer and Cadet Cade are, I mean. The rest of you are quite awful, but I digress. At the end of the day though, you’re all puppets.”
“That’s what you are.”
“Wait, you’ve got your hand up my bum bum?”
“Not quite Gullible Gemini. I’m not the puppeteer at Pandemonium; I’m afraid.”
“I’m the marionettist.”
“And you dance as I will it.”
“And when it’s time to reveal just who’s behind the curtain.”
“You’ll learn that I pull the strings.”
“Right before I cut them.”