“Everyone remembers their first porno mag, right?”
“Mine was a copy of playboy I found in the woods. It was old even when I got it and by that point it was worn out, tired, and barely usable.”
“Didn’t stop me from rubbing one out and sticking the pages together, though.”
“And the thing is, as cool as that magazine was, it really didn’t hold a candle to what I could find for free just a few years later.”
“See, past the wrinkled pages and water damage was a product of its time. It was cool once, awesome even. But slowly it got phased out by the newer things in life.”
“That picture of a girl laid bare in the centerfold didn’t hold a candle to the shit I started finding online.”
“No matter how much I liked that magazine, it just went out of style. A few wanks in and I couldn’t care about it anymore. It was too softcore.”
“Because I went online. I threw myself face first into the new era of online bondage and hardcore porno that would make Ron Jeremy blush.”
“I tossed the magazine away and left it in the past where it belonged.”
“And I’m about to do the same to you, Kid.”
“Now, I like the nostalgia you got going on, man. But that act is about as old as frilly lingerie and centerfold spread eagle.”
“What I’m getting at is you’re the porno mag of OSW. The worn out and tired old schtick I found out in the woods that, if I was a bit younger, would have loved to see.”
“But look at the world around you, man. Ditch the jacket, find some new lines, and get back to the future.”
“Because we’re in a whole new age.”
“Wanna know why porno mags were left behind? They couldn’t adapt to the digital era. Everything stayed soft and safe. It wasn’t exciting and it just couldn’t compete with the hardcore shit we have online.”
“Just like you, dude. You’re stuck in the past, in a world where Doc and Marty come out alive and Tetris is the best thing in the world.”
“You’re stuck in the past wearing nostalgia glasses and it shows. You’re as soft as the decade you came from.”
“See, when we step into the ring I’m going to introduce you to what you’ve been missing, man.”
“It’s about to get hardcore in that ring.”
“We ain’t girls in lingerie waiting for our pictures to be snapped, Kid. We’re pornstars on set waiting for a triple fisting.”
“I’m going to take your centerfold and shoot my load all over it before I stick the pages together and throw you away like the aged trash you are.”
“The world’s changing, Kid. It’s getting hardcore, it’s getting wild!”
“And just like playboy, you ain’t gonna be able to keep up with the kind of shit I’m slinging.”
“Now put your head between my legs and kiss your win goodbye.”