“Ever heard of the guy who played chess against a pigeon?”
“Okay, this is a good one. So, this dude is a total genius at chess, right? He claims no one can beat him, not a soul!”
“So a guy challenges him to beat his pet pigeon.”
“Perplexed that a pigeon could play chess, the man agreed. It’d be an easy win, right?”
“The game starts, and the grandmaster starts them off with a textbook move, he knows exactly the kind of moves he needs to play to win any match.”
“He’d have a counter for anything and everything, plans within plans. This may be a pigeon, but not even a bird brain would be spared his blistering intellect!”
“So he opens and waits patiently for his opponent to move.”
“And what does the little birdie do?”
“It kicked over the pieces, shat on the board, and flew away!”
“And all its opponent could do was watch in awe as all of his plans were ruined in seconds.”
“See, Simon my dude, you’re real fucking smart. Seriously, I’ve been around to hear your bullshit plans since day one while you rattled them off to me and my boys- my girl Ether.”
“Matches are just big games of chess, right? You and Sigil are sitting across from each other battling it out as you try to counter each other’s moves back and forth with different pieces and names of maneuvers I sure as shit can’t pronounce.”
“You’ve beaten him before, right? At Ring King you took him down because you were one step ahead, you had moves he didn’t expect and in the end you took his king and claimed a crown!”
“We know Sigil can’t beat you, so now all that’s left in that ring is me and Ether, right?”
“Well, let’s just say, all that’s gonna be sitting across from you is a pair of pigeons without a fuck to give.”
“The thing with me and Ether is we’re not like everyone else you face. We ain’t chess experts, we aren’t masterminds, nah.”
“We’re fucking pigeons.”
“Unpredictable, untethered, and unstoppable.”
“Lay down that chess boy and start rattling off your plans, man. Hit me with the Catalan openings, talk forever about your gambits, but in the end they don’t mean a god damn thing.”
“And why?”
“Because pigeons don’t play by your rules.”
“Every idea you come up with, every move, no matter how calculated you are Ether and I are gonna knock over the pieces, shit on the board, and leave you in shock as he fly away.”
“Jet Set Radio is gonna make your plans unusable, mother fucker. No pieces are gonna be upright, no moves are gonna be made.”
“Because at the end of the day, all that’s gonna be left is a big pile of shit on your board.”
“And two pigeons flying away with their own little win.”
“Now put your head between my legs and kiss your win goodbye.”