In Promo by Ether

“A man I once knew entered a pie eating contest I was in so he could take the grand prize away from me.”

“He entered the competition with a masterful plan. Eat just as fast as I do, take no water breaks, and hope to God that I give out first.”

“When the starting gun went off, we chowed down quickly and furiously. Neither one of us wanted to give an inch to the other, so we both kept up the fast pace.”

“After about three pies, my rival began to slow down. The amount of food he was stuffing into his face was clearly taking a toll on his stomach.”

“Regardless, he kept pushing on and tried to beat me at my own game.”

“Seven pies later, and the dude was at a complete standstill. He just couldn’t fill himself up with any more pies even if he wanted to.”

“That’s when the man upchucked.”

“Bits of pie and whatever else the man ate went all over the audience. Everyone started flipping the fuck out and ran for the hills to dry off.”

“His master plan of copying me and praying for the best went up in smoke before the last drops of acid could exit his stomach.”

“I was declared the winner after that. I walked away with the trophy and the knowledge that I’ll never see that motherfucker ever again.”

“This isn’t the first time we’ve met in the ring, Simon, but this is the first time you bit off way more than you can chew.”

“In your pursuit for complete dominance over Jet Set Radio, you went and killed Wiz. We might not have been on the best of terms recently, but he was still family.”

“Then you had the gall to lie about doing it for a solid month. You had us believing your bullshit for a while, but the truth ultimately came to light, much to your chagrin.”

“You saw Wiz as just another pie in the competition that needed to be devoured. Much like Deathnote, Zero, and Storm, you ferociously devoured him without so much as a hint of remorse.”

“But as you digest more and more pies in your conquest for some sort of glory, your stomach is getting closer to it’s maximum capacity. Soon enough, you’ll find yourself puking your guts out before you can even start eating us.”

“We’ll be launching an all out attack against you just to ensure you won’t swallow us. When we’re done with you and get our justice for Wiz, we’ll walk away with the grand prize, our tag team championships.”

“You might’ve walked in this competition with a plan to dethrone us, but that plan is about to go tits up when we finally meet face to face for the second time.”

“You cannot beat the Hungry Girl or Sexy Dynamite at eating pies. We’ll show you how it’s done at Red Snow whether you want to or not.”

“A hungry girl’s got to eat, and you’ll make for a great meal, Simon.”