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“God, I just fucking love Jackass.”

“No, seriously, hear me out.”

“Jackass is a show… or movie? Series? About a bunch of dudes getting together and doing the wildest, craziest, most fucked up stunts the world has ever seen.”

“And not just stunts, right? Pranks.”

“Pretty much always on each other.”

“One second they’re getting punched in the nuts by a pro boxer to test a cup, the next they’re tazing each other in the ass while laughing their heads off!”

“Bam’s getting thrown into a pit of fake snakes and covered in them until he cries while Knoxville calls him a pussy.”

“Or maybe Steve-o’s getting water splashed in his face one way while getting sucker punched the other way.”

“What I’m getting at is the shit they do? It hurts. People get hurt, teeth knocked out, and more often than not there’s a little blood.”

“But the thing is? Despite all of that?”

“Those stupid mother fuckers are still best friends. The very next day they’re drinking, doing lines, and joking about it.”

“Because nothing is gonna break them apart.”

“Not a punch to the dick, taser to the neck, or a beard made of pubes.”

“And why?”

“They’re best buds.”

“Now, I can watch Jackass all day and go on about how fucking funny they are or how much I wanna fuck Knoxville, but the thing is, when I watch Jackass all I can think about is you two.”

“My best friends.”

“Every day we’re off doing something stupid and dangerous, right? Maybe I’m trying to do a ten-eighty while blitzed on whatever shit Wiz is packing.”

“Or Ether is seeing just how many pizzas she can shove down her throat before she blows chunks all over my new shoes.”

“And believe me, those shoes never got clean.”

“Sure, sometimes you guys get on my nerves. Wiz might spike my drink with the strongest shit he has just to watch me eat shit when I try to skate.”

“And maybe Ether nut taps one of us when she skates by because she thinks it’s funny when we hit the ground groaning.”

“But despite all of that shit? All the pranks and douchebaggery?”

“We’re fucking inseperable.”

“Because we’re Jet Set fucking Radio, man.”

“Now, when we meet in the main event? I don’t see three douchebags beating ass because they wanna win.”


“I’m looking at a couple of Jackasses kicking each other’s asses because that’s what they do.”

“And when the match is over? We’ll get off the mat, wipe the blood from our lips, and do what we do best.”

“We’re gonna go fuck the world.”

“Hit crazy stunts like breaking necks, burning caskets, and destroying entire goddamn grocery stores while laughing our asses off.”

“The world ain’t ready for us.”

“Bad Mother Fuckers ain’t ready for us.”

“Now, do me a favor and get ready for your next stunt, dudes.”

“And get down on all fours so you can put your heads between my legs and kiss your wins goodbye.”