osw logo
Back to Top

If I Could…

[Drewitt stands in the middle of the ring, surrounded by Grimskull, El Mariachi Muerte and Gemini. He has a microphone and wears a distinctly different red and white pair of pants.]

[He puts his finger out in front of him.]

If I could be serious for a minute?

[The crowd boos.]

“Fine, if I could be pedantic for a minute?”

[The crowd boos.]

“You people disgust me. Could I… please… be sarcastic for a minute?”

[The crowd don’t let up. No-one wants to hear it.]

“If I can’t be serious, pedantic, or sarcastic, perhaps I could be contrary? Doesn’t everyone love a contrary man from the Level of No Man’s Land.”

[The crowd chant ‘no’ at him.]

“Do you people not understand? I could very simply kill this and all conversations by being contrary, pedantic, and sarcastic. But I won’t. I won’t stop you vile people from having your futile and ignorant opinions that cannot be right, because they aren’t mine. Do not attempt to change my opinion. I will not be reasonable and there is every chance that whilst I do not contribute financially to the upkeep of this place, I will try to bring it down by running people off.”

[Drewitt stops to soak in the boos.]

“As you know, this week I face off against Albert Lamplight in a Submission Match. I’m by far the best technical wrestler in Old School Wrestling. I stand supported by the best grouping of wrestlers this organisation has ever seen. Team Apokalypsis. We are Arcadia’s best, brightest and most entertaining faction.”

[The crowd scoff at him.]

“And we’re searching for a key. That key unlocks a very special door. A door that none of you disgusting and vile people will ever get close to. Mr. Lamplight, we’re under the impression that you may be able to provide access to that door, for a very… small price.

[Chants of ‘you have no soul’ are levied at him by the fans.]

“A price that none of us will pay.”

[He nods at Team Apokalypsis.]

“We do not pay mere servants such as yourself for assistance. You’re a measly store owner. We’re a team of athletes, capable of great feats. Whilst we know that you’re not the final key we search for, how could you be? We also know that if you’re able to access that door, it will be by traditionally nefarious means.”

[That irks Drewitt, who shuffles awkwardly.]

“That leaves me with no other choice than to beat it out of you, Mr. Lamplight. That means that I will put you on the canvas, twist you in a multitude of ways and make you submit. I will give you the Team Apokalypsis Hell Leaf and you will give me that key, or beg for mercy that will not follow.”

“Now, I ask that you all please stand for the anthem of No Man’s Land.”

[A tune begins playing over the speakers as all four members of Apokalypsis place their hands behind their backs and raise their heads. The crowd boo throughout the entirety of it, enraging Apokalypsis.]

[Cut.]

Drewitt