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“It has come to my attention that, courtesy of some kind of abominable travesty, I must lower myself to soiling my hands against a uncouth rapscallion like Drewitt.”

“Now, far be it from me to question the sanity of our esteemed leaders, for undoubtedly they have their reasons, but I cannot fathom what in Arcadia would possess anybody to place he and I in the same proximity, but I must inform you all that it is a decision with dire consequences.”

“You see Drewitt, you may be called The Explorer, but I can tell you have never explored anywhere or anything worth the visit. You have yet to deconsecrate a school of etiquette with your vulgarity, nor sullied the pages of any of the literary great works with your grubby little mitts.”

“You have instead sought to explore the depths of depravity… But little do you know young lad, you have merely scratched the surface, for I will bestow open you a level of knowledge which you do not deserve, which you have not earned and which you will seek to purge from your mind.”

“I have ventured into the pits of Blackpool, and calloused my hands in the pursuit of gentlemanly combat. I have survived the machinations of the courts of Queensbury. Any mere commoner would have succumbed to the rigors of such barbaric venues, but I have thrived and grown.”

“And now, I must besmirch myself by stooping once more into the bosom of inadequacy, standing across that hallowed ring across a ne’er-do-well such as yourself, as equals, rather than being considered as a superior, as is befitting of my regal lineage.”

“I will enact a punishment so great that nobody shall ever fail to make such a distinction again. Historians will effuse at my brilliance, generals will study my violence and the dames and duchies will swoon, because I carry myself with class on a path of righteous grandiosity.”

“Young man, you know nothing of what an Arduous Journey truly is. The toil I have undertaken to reach this point will be infinitesimally minute comparative to the Herculean effort it will take for you to form a sentence after you experience the power of the punch, sunshine.”

“Some may feel you don’t deserve what is coming your way, but they don’t understand that polluting my general vicinity with your classlessness… Well lad, that is tantamount to pissing in my teacup.”

“I don’t play kid games, I play¬†Wargames! I break people for fun, and it has been that way since I was a wee lad. I am of a bearing and pedigree you cannot hope to match, and the duty to rid OSW of you and your bestial inclination has been commissioned to me, a real man’s man.”

“In hindsight, I may one day be thankful for the chance to be saviour of this place, once it has unshackled itself from the rank and file of the rank and vile such as yourself. It will be nice… but I… Will be naughty.”

Albert Lamplight