WELCOME
SOMEWHERE ELSE
Static.
In the Funhouse, blood still stains the floor as six new competitors wake up groggily.
The Judge, Redwing, Michaela Lane, The Blood Red Shark, Junkrat and Sigil are all involved and none of them have any idea what’s going on.
“What the fuck is this, mate?” Junkrat asks, looking rather puzzled.
“Stand back,” Redwing says. “I’ll find a way out of this.”
Everyone looks at him as if to say ‘sure’.
Static.
On the screen in front of them appears Mr. House.
“Welcome to the Funhouse. Tonight, you will fight for your lives.”
“1. You’ll each have a moment in front of the camera to convince our blood thirsty audience why you shouldn’t fight.”
“2. The two with the least amount of live voting’s will fight with the loser being eliminated. Each fight will have a unique stipulation and the fights stop when one person is left standing.”
“3. If you refuse to fight, you die.”
There’s a pause.
“Ready up, your moments begin now – all except you, Michaela. You my friend have earned a bye to the next round.”
Cut.
OH DEAR
Static.
As everyone stands in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, it becomes clear just who isn’t escaping a fight tonight.
The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.
“Aw, what a shame. It looks like Shark and Judge are going to have a fight. What a shame that is? Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen.”
“Can we stop it?” Asks Redwing.
“Someone will die if we’re not careful,” Lane responds.
The screen flickers, revealing both Shark and JUdge in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.
THUMBTACKS
The ground is covered in thumbtacks with both competitors bare foot and stood amongst a small clearing of none.
“Oh, what fun this’ll be,” House says with a clap. “Thumbtacks everywhere. Step wisely, if you can..”
Shark and Judge look at each other.
“Goodluck.”
He laughs.
“The winner is the last person left standing.”
“Death is completely acceptable.”
SHARK VS. JUDGE
The Blood Shark doesn’t hesitate, he storms across the thumbtacks, rushing Judge with a Lou Thez Press that takes him down back first into them.
The Judge yelps, but Sharky keeps on punching, slamming right hand after right hand into him.
He reaches down and scoops up some tacks, slapping them as hard as he can into the mask of The Judge.
That hurts him, too.
Judge quickly uses his legs and body to flip Shark overhead, back first into the tacks as well. They both rise back to their feet.
SNAP SUPLEX!
THE JUDGE DROPS HIM!
Shark arches his back in agony, but he’s not giving up.
The Observer pulls him back to his feet and pulls his head between his legs.
Oh no.
PILEDRIVER!
NO! SHARK FLIPS JUDGE OVER!
BUT THE JUDGE LANDS ON HIS FEET!
THAT HURTS EVEN WORSE! HE’S FLAT FOOTED RIGHT INTO TACKS!
Shark turns around, stumbling.
KICK TO THE GUT BY THE SHARKMAN
PILEDRIVER!
PILEDRIVER INTO THE THUMBTACKS!
THE JUDGE IS OUT COLD! HE’S OUT! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!
SHARK WINS!
BLOOD RED SHARK
There’s blood in the water, now. The feeding frenzy begins, and the predators are out in full force looking to get their fill…but there can be only one that trumps them all.
The greatest of these is the predator that is smart, and knows when to strike most efficiently. They have the drive and focus to pick their battles, and take out the weakest of prey.
In this feeding frenzy, I’m the first to have tasted blood. That’s bad news for the rest of them, for I can now use my drive and focus to let them wear themselves out…and then I can strike.
Who will be the next to feel my teeth sink into them? It’s only a matter of time…and despite the pressure of the clock, I’ve got all the time in the world.
Bring me your best, and watch me tear right through them.
SIGIL
Look at the world around us, we’re stuck inside the mind of a man who views himself as the God and us as his loyal and scared little followers.
We bend to his every whim, but beyond that, we bend to the wants and emotions of the men who watch his little shows. A God and his pantheon staring down upon us, toying with us, treating as like ants and they themselves children with magnifying glasses.
We exist for his entertainment, for YOUR entertainment. I can leave this wretched home at any point in time and be free of the blood shed, but I refuse to. I can walk any path I choose but the path I walk is not the one which strays away from a man who hides behind a mask and screen.
I stand before the viewers of his sick little game and I accept my reality because I know that I am more than Mr. House could ever hope to be. I control time, I tamper with reality. I followed my pathway through the cosmos to his door step and now that I have stepped inside it is time for me to turn the tables.
I will be a god amongst peons, the gladiator to walk out of the arena.
The World… no, the House.
Is Mine.
MICHAEL LANE
The Funhouse is dark and full of terror.
But in the center of the room stands an object that defies the shadow, that endures the pain to be more than Mr. House could have ever expected.
A candle.
Flame bursts from the top, the wick igniting in a fire of eternal glory, destined to either defeat the darkness…
…or fade into nothingness.
My fight tonight is to illuminate this horrible world for those around me, to show them the truth that they cannot see in their blind eyes.
Don’t run from the light, embrace it.
Because it’s coming for you regardless. Each passing moment is another that the ember grows brighter.
That I grow brighter.
You cannot stand against the light, cannot grasp its fire. That fire is beyond the rest of you.
I am beyond the rest of you.
I will endure the shadows and stand in the light by the end of the night.
It’s my destiny.
JUNKRAT
Oh my god. This country has really gone to shit. They made these two sexy gentlemen wrestle on top of thumb taxes? Christ, they’ll tax you to death in this country. An eye for an eye, a thumb for a thumb.
The Fun House is ran by a god damn tyrannical dick tater. Anyone who says otherwise is a complete fucking moron incapable of intelligent thought. Literally, if you disagree with me about anything political, you’re evil, retarded, and dumb as fuck. But that’s fine, because I’m the insurgent. I’ll bake that dick tater and take this Fun House over just like I did the Fair Shithole of Gary Indiana.
Because the fact of the matter is, I’ve been getting taxed from my thumbs to my asshole my whole life. People punish me just for being myself. A fine for blowing up bombs in public places? I refuse to pay. And then I go to jail. And then I have to fuck guys in the butt.
So needless to say, I’m used to fucking people.
And that’s what I’m going to do here. Because you can’t have fun in any house without a bit of surprise sex. That’s just facts.
You are all fucked. Why? Because the road to the end of the fun house? Goes through the junk mouse. And dick taters or cock fries, I eat them all.
REDWING
What kind of madness is this?
After the rumours I heard from last night, this insanity must come to an end.
He calls this a Funhouse, but this is clearly nothing more than a madhouse that we have been locked in to for his sick amusement.
Well, like any good hero, I will fight through this. I will take on the future or whatever judgement they throw at us. I will seek justice for those harmed in this house.
I must fight through, like any hero I’ve ever read about.
I have no desire to harm anyone here, besides that Blood Red Shark to free the man within. But I have five others to think about.
This madness cannot stand, and I will bring down these walls to free whoever I can.
A hero’s work in these dark times is never done but I won’t lose hope. Not like before. Never again.
I will find my way out of here, Mr. House. I will save the lives of whoever I can.
You. Will. Not. Win.
Whether it’s the future child of a former hero or a collector.
A dick-swinging loose cannon or
I will save whoever I can and thwart the plans of the lunatic who locked us here.
We all face an incredible darkness locked in here, but it’s not an unusual darkness. But the threats that hide underneath is new, and I will discover it all.
Mr. House, you may hold all the cards but like my greatest hero, I will see them all before you know what to do next.
No amount of deception can hide your secrets from me. Your madness, your lunacy ends now.
So what will it be? Some axe that I can use to break down your doors and get my hands on you?
Or some knife I can dig into your skull and find the answers I need to get any survivors to freedom?
Whatever it is, I won’t let your darkness consume us any more than it already has.
Because heroes reside in that darkness, searching for the answers to bring the light deep inside. To illuminate the evils that you worship.
So throw whatever you can at us, you lunatic. Because no matter what comes, I will fight through it all. I will bring light and freedom.
You won’t win, I won’t let you.
I’ve seen the depths of madness, swallowed by an insatiable darkness that I thought was inescapable. A darkness that consumed me whole for almost a year.
Don’t expect any form of mercy when I get to you, madman. Because you won’t manipulate my darkness.
I will show you that out of darkness, heroes will always rise!
MR. HOUSE SAYS
Static.
As everyone stands in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, it becomes clear just who isn’t escaping a fight tonight.
The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.
“The lovely Michaela Lane, with a bye from the first round now finds herself on the chopping block. Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen. It’s a shame, Shark – much like Anonymous from last night, you’re clearly not a fan favourite at this stage.”
“Haha, gutted dickheads,” says Junkrat.
The screen flickers, revealing both Lane and Shark in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.
ACID BATH
A giant container sits in the middle of the room – full to the brim of acid.
“This is going to be fun,” House says with a cheer. “Acid Bath. This fight will only end when one of you is burned by acid..”
Lane and Shark look at each other.
“Feel free to scream.”
SHARK V LANE
This gruesome match will only end with one of these two competitors in severe agony.
Shark rushes towards the barrel, kicking it to splash some acid into air – clearly toying with Lane who backs away as fast as she can.
He runs at her, walking into a big High Leg Lariat that takes him down.
She looks towards the acid and reluctantly heads over, trying to push the barrel but finding no joy – it’s too heavy.
Shark is quickly back to his feet, grabbing her by the hair. He spins her around, sending her flying off against the nearest fall, smashing the floor with a thud.
He grabs her again, pulling her towards the acid bath.
She tries to fight back but he’s determined to dunk her head inside.
With everything she has, she elbows out, breaking free just before she was slammed into it.
That could’ve been nasty.
Lane turns fast to see Shark on her.
SUPERKICK!
SHADES OF HER FATHER!
ANOTHER! NO! SHARK GRABS HER LEG!
OVERHEAD SUPLEX!
SHE HITS THE FLOOR HARD!
They both slowly get back to their feet.
SPEAR! SPEAR!
SPEAR BY THE BLOOD RED SHARK, STRAIGHT INTO THE ACID BATH!
BUT WAIT, MICHAELA LANE IS GONE.
WHAT THE FUCK?
SHE’S VANISHED INTO THIN AIR.
MR. HOUSE SAYS
Static.
“No, no no no no no!” Yells a furious Mr. House. “SIGIL! Dare you play with my toys?”
The former World Champion crosses his arms.
“I know you did it,” he barks. “And you’re going to be punished! In the next round, you will compete. It’ll be a Three-way fight with you on the chopping block. If you leave, if you stop time or alter reality, I will hunt Legacy down and kill them all.”
Sigil nods.
“There is no escaping the fun house without a fight.”
Cut.
REDWING
One has already fallen in the madness. Another is about to fall.
I need to do more to find my way out of this madness.
I now realize I can’t save everyone here, so I will first save myself. Only then can I bring help to rescue the rest.
What sick freak comes up with this madness?
I was wrong. Now we see people drowned in acid?
What is wrong with this man?
This is a darkness that I had no expected.
Perhaps escape isn’t as important. Maybe to truly save who I can, I have to find Mr. House first.
Discover where he is, what his plans are. Only then can these people be rescued and saved from a gruesome fate that no normal person would wish inflicted on others.
Now is not the time for fear, hero.
Now is the time to fight, and fight I will. Fight every instinct calling on me to run for safety, to pray that my name is not drawn in this deadly game.
Fight forward, move forward.
It takes courage in these dark times to face down this monstrous form of evil that wishes to torture us for a prize that some may not feel is worth this level of torment.
But no matter what is thrown at me, I will stand my ground and fight. That is what heroes do when their backs are against a wall. They fight.
They punch until the answers come, the solution to their problem will show itself.
Listen to every word when you’re not punching the answers out. Listen to every clue he may not know he offers.
He will reveal the answers I need to free us from this house, without him even realizing it.
Are you ready for what comes?
I am. I will face whatever threats you may have ready for us. Are you willing to fight in this very arena if I drag you screaming into it?
Ready to face the justice you so rightly deserve?
I will be your judge, jury and executioner!
No worries about cosmic justice. You will face MY justice!
A justice that will bring you to answer for your crimes against us. A justice that you aren’t ready for, I’m sure.
For I will be the light in this darkness, and I will show you the drive of a true hero! You will face a hero’s justice.
JUNKRAT
I took a bath in acid once. I tripped balls for a month straight. I was with a midget friend of mine who loved bats and hated children running innocently through his yard, hiking through a dense and treacherous rain forest.
Only then I realized, I don’t have any midget friends, and had I actually been in a rain forest, I’d have burned it to the ground because I hate rain and I hate forests. Acid is a hell of a drug. It’s a bad idea to take baths in it. If Michaela were my daughter, I’d have raised her better. Good thing Symbol saved her.
Yet here again, I find myself in a dense and treacherous rain forest. I am without my imaginary midget friend, and I’m fresh out of LSD. But look, yonder–it’s the tribal dick tater, Mr. House, making us pay thumb taxes, trying to make us bathe in schedule 1 hallucinogenic drugs.
THAT’S A FELONY YOU ASSHOLE!!!
Well, whatever this fun house, this treacherous rain forest may lay into my lap, let it. Hopefully, it’s a prostitute. If it’s something else, that’s fine too. I’m prepared to make it to the end of this fun house. You want to have some fun? Come play with my gun. You here for leisure? Go fuck a geezer. You want to have a blast? Come finger my butthole.
BLOOD SHARK
Tick, tick, tick.
The clock keeps ticking, drawing us ever closer to the end of the fuse. With every passing second, the pressure mounts for those who remain.
I’m truly in my element, now.
Tearing the competition apart, limb by limb. And with every passing moment, I’m closer to finally getting my fill, to finally satisfying my hunger.
I can taste the fear growing from you all, especially you Bill. I know that deep down, you’re afraid to face what you’ve got coming to you…but I will not go hungry on this night.
And as for you, Junkrat, your defiled meat will do just fine to whet my appetite. Tick, tick, boom.
MR. HOUSE SAYS
Static.
As the remaining competitors stand in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, the odds of them winning become greater.
The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.
“Well, we’re edging ever closer to the grand finale now. Sigil, Junkrat and Blood Red Shark are up to fight for their lives. Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen. Poor Anonymous, I must admit, I don’t much like you either.”
The screen flickers, revealing both Sigil, Junkrat and Blood Red Shark in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.
HANG EM UP
A noose drops from the middle of the rafters.
“Hang Em Up. It’s a simple premise, really. Hang someone to survive.”
Sigil, Junkrat and Blood Red Shark look at each other.
“They don’t have to survive..”
SIGIL VS. JUNKRAT VS. SHARK
There’s apprehension, and why wouldn’t there be?
They begin circling each other, each looking at the rope ahead of them. Shark finally turns to Sigil and nods.
“Together?”
They both immediately side by side, running at the Junkrat.
He suffers a bombardment of right hands, being beaten and battered back towards the wall. He tries to cover up but there’s just too many fists being thrown at him. Finally, he knees Sigil in the to get a bit of space, turning to headbutt Sharkman.
Junk pulls Sharky over the rope, wrapping his head in the noose as Sigil rushes over.
Only he realizes that he doesn’t need to help.
Instead, he grabs Shark and holds him, allowing Junkrat to lynch him right there and then.
As The Blood Red Shark is being slowly dragged upwards, the monitor flickers.
Mr. House.
“I’m not sure I’m satisfied. Do you know what we need here? More nooses.”
He laughs.
“Fight on.”
A second noose drops and it’s Junkrat who quickly grabs it, rushing to put it over Sigil’s head.
The Time Warrior side steps, but Junkrat tosses a small explosive popper onto the ground, making a bang that forces Sigil to leap backwards in fear.
He wraps the rope around his neck, winning the fight.
Junkrat versus Redwing.
That’s the final.
One of these two will head on to face Sweet Alice for an OSW Championship Match!
JUNKRAT VS. REDWING
IT’S A FREE FOR ALL FOR THEIR SPECIALTY WEAPONS!
Redwing wastes no time grabbing a handful of Redblades and tossing them at Junkrat, as he deflects with dildos.
Redwing dodges the dicks as a Redblade digs into the shoulder of the Junkrat.
Junkrat looks at the blade before driving the shoulder into a gap in Redwings armour.
Redwing roars in pain as Junkrat hits a hurricanrana that is quickly countered into a powerbomb onto the Redblades.
Blood spills over the floor as Junkrat gets to a knee.
DARKNESS FALLS!
Redwing stomps Junkrat into all the dildos and redblades.
Junkrat can’t get to his feet as Redwing slumps against a wall.
Junkrat stirs as Redwing accepts what he must do.
DARKNESS FALLS!
Junkrat lays out on the ground, unconscious as Redwing is declared the winner!
CONGRATULATIONS
A slow round of applause.
“That was fucking incredible,” a voice says from the corner. It’s Mr. House. He walks further into the room, greeting Redwing.
“You’re brave, coming this close to me,” Redwing angrily growls. “What’s stopping me from ripping you to shreds where you stand?”
House shrugs.
“Nothing, I suppose. It happened yesterday, but I’m still here. I wonder if the worlds greatest detective can figure that out?”
Redwing thinks about it.
“You my little friend have won yourself an opportunity of a life time. You’re heading to the Funhouse match on a date booked with Sweet Alice. How do you feel about that?”
The Caped Crusader steps forward.
“If The Blood Red Shark has died tonight, you won’t see the last of me.”
House looks over to where Shark lays conscious, holding his neck on the floor.
“Tell Alice I’m coming.”
Cut.