WELCOME TO THE FUNHOUSE
SOMEWHERE ELSE

Static.

In a brightly illuminated room, pink lights are attached to pillars that add a pink colour to the overall purple hue.

Six people lay unconscious on the floor, each coming to at their own individual pace.

SeeSaw is the first back to his feet, stumbling towards a pillar.

He hangs on for dear life.

“What’s going on? Daddy?” He mumbles, putting a hand on his head. “Ouchies, my head hurts!”

Sweet Alice and Jessie Williams are next to their feet.

“Where the hell are we?” Williams asks whilst his eyes search the empty room.

Just then, Anonymous pipes up.

“I’ve never seen this before.”

Everyone’s eyes turn to Banzan and suddenly, the dots are connected.

“Wait a second,” Alice says with a frown. “He was kidnapped on Octane. If he’s here then you know what that means, don’t you?”

Alton Whitlock dusts himself off as he rises to his feet.

“It means we’re in the Funhouse.”

Everyone takes a moment to look at one another before a screen behind them flickers. Sat in an old and somewhat decrepit chair, a person wearing a cat mask is slumped.

“I can see you’ve figured it out,” he says with an altered male voice and a sarcastic clap. “My name is Mr. House and you’re guests of mine, but before we truly begin, let me tell you the rules.”

That piques everyone’s interest.

“1. You’ll each have a moment in front of the camera to convince our blood thirsty audience why you shouldn’t fight.”

“2. The two with the least amount of live voting’s will fight with the loser being eliminated. Each fight will have a unique stipulation and the fights stop when one person is left standing.”

“3. If you refuse to fight, you die.”

There’s a pause.

“Ready up, your moments begin now – all except you, SeeSaw. You my friend have earned a bye to the next round.”

Cut.

MR. HOUSE SAYS
SOMEWHERE ELSE

Static.

As everyone stands in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, it becomes clear just who isn’t escaping a fight tonight.

The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.

“Aw, shucks. It looks like Jessie and Anonymous are going to have a fight. What a shame that is? Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen.”

“I don’t like the sound of this,” says Whitlock.

“It feels like a fight to the death,” Sweet Alice replies with a concerned expression on their face.

The screen flickers, revealing both Jessie Williams and Anonymous in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.

THE BALL PIT!

Balls suddenly begin falling from the rafters, filling the room up in no time with various different colours. Yellows, blues, purples, reds and pinks.

“Oh, what fun this’ll be,” House says with a clap. “The Ball Pit. These balls are breakable, competitors. Inside some of them are weapons, inside some of them are nothing at all – it’s a crapshoot.”

Williams and Anonymous look at each other, clearly concerned – even if you can’t see it

“Once you’ve gotten a weapon, you’re free to use it in any vile and sadistic way you wish on your opponent.”

He laughs.

“The winner is the last person left standing.”

Williams looks terrified and rightfully so.

“Death is completely acceptable.”

JESSIE WILLIAMS VS. ANONYMOUS
A buzzer sounds and both men immediately rush towards each other, Williams slamming Anonymous’ head into a nearby wall before scrambling for a ball.

He slams it on the floor, smashing it into pieces, finding a wrench inside.

Williams turns, catching a boot brutally to the face.

Anonymous picks up the wrench.

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

WILLIAMS IS BUSTED WIDE OPEN!

He stumbles backwards, a split appearing in the top of his head.

As Anonymous closes in, Jessie falls to the floor, crashing through a ball containing hundreds of THUMBTACKS!

He screams in agony but Anonymous swings the wrench.

WILLIAMS DUCKS!

Jessie scrambles away incredibly, hands full of thumbtacks. He grabs a nearby ball and throws it violently at the face of Anonymous.

It breaks!

Out falls a knife!

He quickly dives for it.

Jessie gets back to his feet and HE STABS HIM IN THE ARM!

ANONYMOUS SCREAMS!

HE SNATCHES THE KNIFE FROM HIS ARM AND HEADBUTTS WILLIAMS!

The Prince falls.

He can barely get up.

WRENCH TO THE FUCKING SKULL!

HE’S OUT!

THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND JESSIE WILLIAMS IT OUT COLD!

ANONYMOUS SURVIVES.

SWEET ALICE SAYS
As Anonymous limped back from a brutal battle, Sweet Alice’s eyes grew quite wide.

“Book,” she whispered, “Tell me of this masked one here.”

The book opened swiftly to a page, and Alice began to read,

“And terrorized Wonderland did the Troll
insisting all would pay his toll.
And if you do not pay his fine,
secrets he will share of thine.
To strengthen resolve of your foes
your darkest tales he will expose
Unless you stop his power source
with cunning and overpowering force.”

“His power source?” Alice pondered. “This Troll has been torn apart limb from limb already, but if his game is to take apart my mind, he will find no secrets there. For I can hardly remember how I got here or where I am. He may attempt to find my secrets to exploit, but my mind is rattled. Best of luck, Troll. You have no strings on me.”

SEESAW SAYS
This sure has been fun – so many enemies turned into friends.

And you know, it’s funny – all of these beautiful creatures thought that this was just a war.

This isn’t a war, at all!

This is a love fest.

Love, love, love!

Sure, the blood may block the tears – and we’re misled to believe that the tears that which fall are based upon the pain that which we inflict – but none of that is true.
Don’t believe any of it, my dear friends.

We are here, as a team – as a unit – to embrace eachother.

So much hatred in this world – and it just won’t do.

We bleed as a sacrifice in order to push through the tension – the tension that’s only there because none of us has ever been forced to love one another.

So go ahead and cry – cry for your fellow brothers and sisters in this beautiful thunderdome of fun, joy, and leisure.

And disregard the rest of the world that would label this as a battle – because they aren’t here like we here. They aren’t here, in the middle of this chaos, and they have no clue what beautiful relationships result from this chaos.

But we do.

I’m so happy to be able to play with all of you – to have the opportunity to transform your psyche, to wrap it around my little finger, and do with as I will.

And all of you should feel the same.

But if you don’t – don’t worry.

I’ll take care of that for you.

BANZAN SAYS
Suffering is but a state of mind, Dukkha.

The worm does not complain to the bird. As the early bird catches the worm, our earthy friend knows that he serves a greater purpose.

For without the worm, the bird would not feed its young.

The cycle of life continues and all must do their part.

Are we not all worms just waiting for the bird to claim us?

Just one question can remain…

What greater purpose are we feeding.

For Dukkha is but a state of mind. You can either feel the suffering or you can look beyond it. Claim enlightenment from the mighty mountain.

Reach out towards that bird.

Somebody’s time has come.

ANONYMOUS SAYS
We are Anonymous. We are legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget.

And I will never forget this Fun House experience.

For all of us are connected tonight, aren’t we? My political nemesis, the buddhist, the enchanted story, the childish evil, and of course, Anonymous. It is here that we are learning more about each other than any internet search ever could. We shall find out who loves the taste of blood, and we shall find out whose stomach can’t handle such fun.

We are a legion of information gatherers. And this night will find itself in all of your dossiers. We are like the ball pit in which I was just victorious. Some of us, more well-armed than others. But all of us, in a pit. And whether that’s a pit of despair or a pit of FUN, is up to each and every one of us.

For me, your despair is where I’ll find my fun.

And I will delight in uncovering all your secrets here. Your fears, your anxieties. You cannot hide them from me here. This access is much better than what I can glean from the internet.

This information is obtained personally. And I promise you, like a knife in the arm, I will dig.

ALTON WHITLOCK SAYS
“This place is a monstrosity. A hive of hysteria. A sanitarium of sadism. It looks like someone pumped SeeSaw’s toybox full of steroids, and yet this is not the worst predicament I’ve found myself in during my time in OSW.”

“If round one was the Ball Pit then I can only imagine what depravities await the rest of us. Maybe six won’t leave tonight. I just have to make sure that the number that do leave? that includes me. Time to get my game face on, take to the podium and show the world I deserve not to fight. I’m a good man ready to do good things.”

“But if they turn on me, and MAKE me fight? Well, my sleeves are rolled up, baby, and I’ll fight dirty to save my own ass if I have to.”

MR HOUSE SAYS
Static.

As everyone stands in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, it becomes clear just who isn’t escaping a fight tonight.

The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.

“You clearly didn’t do enough to win over the watching public, Anonymous and Alton Whitlock. You had your chance. Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen. It’s a shame, Anonymous – you’re clearly not a fan favourite at this stage.”

“This isn’t right,” says Alice.

“Is there a way out? If we don’t try and escape, there’s nothing we can do.” Banzan replies, before going to search the room for an escape.

The screen flickers, revealing both Anonymous and Whitlock in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.

AXE ME A QUESTION

A giant axe suddenly falls from the ceiling into the centre of the room, swinging back and forth violently.

“Don’t worry, it’s plenty sharp,” House says with a cheer. “Axe Me A Question. This fight will only end when a piece of the other person has been defiled by our beautiful axe.”

Whitlock and enemy Anonymous look at each other.

“We don’t mind what part of you ends up bloodied and on the floor, as long as one of you bleeds.”

WHITLOCK VS. ANONYMOUS
Anonymous looks tired after that brutal fight from earlier, holding his arm.

Whitlock is ready to go.

He rushes across the room, barely avoiding the axe to attack Anonymous. He keeps punching at him as hard as he can, backing him into a pillar behind them.

With one big punch, Anonymous moves, watching as Whitlock smashes his hand into the pillar – breaking it.

With a bone curdling scream, he winces in agony and stumbles backwards towards the Axe.

The whisping sound of it swinging back and forth terrifies The Candidate, who clutches Anonymous and drags himself to safety.

They spin, Whitlock kicking Anonymous BACK INTO THE FUCKING AXE!

NO!

HE BARELY MISSED! THE AXE BARELY MISSED HIM!

Both men now stand on opposite sides of the axe.

It’s Anonymous though who comes across, grabbing Whitlock in a Headlock and spinning him backwards.

THE AXE CUT OFF WHITLOCKS EAR!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

OH MY GOD!

WHITLOCK SCREAMS, SCRAMBLING TO GRAB HIS BODY PART AS ANONYMOUS FALLS BACK IN EXHAUSTION, WATCHING THE AXE COME TO A STOP.

SWEET ALICE SAYS
Alice stared in horror as the Politician’s ear fell to the floor. Gripping her book, she began to scribble her own passage.

“Please, oh please, Cheshire Cat,
Please don’t make me go like that.
I wish to survive in your Funhouse
To sip tea again with Hare and Mouse.”

She put the pen down, glancing around at her remaining opponents. This house of horrors and these familiar, and unfamiliar faces. She honed in on the childish Hatter, the one with peeling facepaint and father’s manipulation. Surely, she thought, if he could survive, so could she.

Turning towards this strange camera, she took a breath.

“This is what you want, Red Queen? Is this a test? If it were, you had better give me better competition than this. Have you forgotten that it was that foolish Hatter who surrendered his championship to me, whose failure put me in your Court? Red Queen, if indeed you come across this recorded message, I will fight on, I will survive, and when I do, I will take your crown for my own. This Hatter, among the others, are no match for my cunning. And just like the Politician’s ear, it will be off with their heads!”

SEESAW SAYS
What’s this fuss about escaping anyway?
Good golley miss molley, are we NOT entertained here?!
Look at all of the TOYS we have to play with – more than you, or I, or anyone could ever DREAM of – at our fingertips, readily available for us to use to… our advantage.
And you all want to escape?!
Haberdashery, I say!
No, that’s not MY objective here, you silly gooses!
I came into this funhouse not only as occupant, but as decorator – to paint the walls with the bloody emotions that you wish you disregard far too often.
And eventually, I’ll be the landlord here!
Because this was MY house to begin with – and because loneliness reminds me of the closet that Daddy designated as my “quiet room” – I had invited ALL OF YOU to make as much noise as possible.
Don’t you get it? There’s nothing to be afraid of.
Reality lurks outside of these colorful walls – and that, my friends, is where you should leave your fears.
This is a place of resolve, a place of peace – right Banzan?
For you to reflect on who YOU are – not who EVERYONE ELSE is – yes, Anonymous?
Where all of our dreams can come TRUE – the purest and most wide-open of rabbit holes the likes of which anyone has ever seen, right – my dear Alice?
Do not allow yourself to falter over the gravity of the situation.
We are grounded, together, with all of our lovely hands on deck to reinvite the world back into a world where even in our most quarantined of states…
Smiles… appear.
You can’t push me out of here.
And I won’t walk away willingly.
For this experience is everything that I have ever wanted.
And everything that I ever needed!

BANZAN SAYS
How can one achieve peace amongst chaos?
A ship sails the seas amidst a rough storm. Bobbing to and fro, the ship lurches violently, threatening to toss all those aboard into the icy waters. Panic sets in, as weathered sailors begin to fear the worst.
But in the midst of the storm, one remains calm. He is not the one at the helm, not the one pulling the mainsail ropes. He is one who simply sits, calmly, waiting for the inevitable to happen.
For what he knows is simple.
What will be will be, and no amount of human intervention can stop the storm. No human hands can stop the ocean claiming the ship.
As panicked sailors scream at him to help he calmly responds… “I control but what I can control. All else is noise.”
The waters of life are ready to claim us. We can respond like the sailors, clinging vainly to hope that we are in control… Or we can ride the ship and see what will be.
What will be will be, I control only how I respond to it.
So is the enlightenment of the mighty mountain.

ANONYMOUS SAYS
LEND ME YOUR EAR.

It is clear the audience wants us to remember this night.

It is clear they want to test our meddle.

And they are as ruthless as any government, more tyrannical than most.

So we at Anonymous ask only this, you people.

Are you not entertained?

Go ahead and send me the next opponent. Go ahead and send me your next least favorite. I will down them too. For no poetry, no childish evil, no Buddhist, religious bullshit is going to defeat or dismember or stab into the arm of TRUTH.

And that is all I am here for. That is all I aim to obtain. That is all I aim to give away. The truth, unadultured.

A weapon sharper than any axe. A weapon more brutal than any found in a ballpit.

I wield the truth. And that is why I do not forget. That is why I do not forgive.

Are you ready to join us?

We are Anonymous. We are Legion.

We are running this gauntlet. And we’re fucking loving it.

MR. HOUSE SAYS..
Static.

As the remaining competitors stand in the middle of the room, watching the monitor intently, the odds of them winning become greater.

The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.

“Well, we’re edging ever closer to the grand finale now, my little rodents. Anonymous and Banzan are up to fight for their lives. Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen. Poor Anonymous, I must admit, I don’t much like you either.”

“I’ve found something,” says Alice. “Help me with this panel.”

“No!” SeeSaw replies angrily. “I don’t trust you and frankly, I can’t imagine Mr. House isn’t watching us too.”

The screen flickers, revealing both Anonymous and Banzan in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.

CURBSTOMP

Kitties slowly begin bringing cinder blocks into the room, dropping one each side of the two competitors.

“Curbstomp. It’s a simple premise, really. Stomp your opponent’s face into these steel enforced cinderblocks and you remain alive in the competition.”

Banzan and Anonymous look at each other.

“Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee your opponent will remain alive.”

BANZAN VS. ANONYMOUS
Anonymous has been on the rough end of this little nightmare.

There’s no locking up. This isn’t fucking wrestling. This is a fight to the God damn death if they’re not careful.

Banzan immediately goes for the wound, jamming his thumb in there as he launches a Headbutt so hard at Anonymous that his mask barely stays on.

He grabs him, pushing him against the wall to deliver big body shots. Shot after shot until Anonymous finally comes back with a Headbutt of his own.

The Hacker grabs Banzan and slams him head first into the wall, walking around him to kick him low in the knee, dropping him down.

He backs up.

RUNNING BULLDOG INTO THE CINDER BLOCK!

HE NAILED IT!

BANZAN SLAMMED STRAIGHT DOWN INTO THE BLOCK!

He lays there, barely moving.

Anonymous walks forward.

CURBSTOMP!

NO!

BANZAN ROLLED AWAY!

The Hacker grabs him as he gets back to his feet but The Mountain SCOOPS HIM UP!

BELLY TO BELLY FUCKING SUPLEX!

RIGHT ON THE CINDER BLOCK!

ANONYMOUS SLAMS DOWN ACROSS IT, CHIPPING PARTS OFF, BUT IT DOESN’T QUITE BREAK!

Banzan pulls him off and drags him across the room, scooping him up and dropping him face first across the block.

Anonymous lays there, almost unconscious.

CURBSTOMP!

HE GOT IT! BANZAN CURBSTOMPS ANONYMOUS THROUGH THE CINDER BLOCK!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

SEESAW SAYS
I must say…
It’s so sad to have to say goodbye to everyone.
I wish that we could just all stay here, pop a few tents, roast up some smores, and tell spooky stories.
Yet, everyone is concerned about that revolving door.
That door feels safe – to far too many.
In opening that door, you’re able to distance yourself from transforming conflict into a conclusion – and everyone seems to be terrified of the conclusion.
I suppose it’s easier to walk away than to see what comes next.
It reminds me of when I used to go to the movie theatre with Daddy – there we are, in the theatre, while spooky stories are told – and I would watch everyone cover their eyes when the scary parts happened.
I never closed my eyes.
I wanted to see the conclusion – and I wanted to know that I was the one that managed to see the chaos through to the end.
THE END! HOORAY!
Regardless of it’s a happy one or not – that just doesn’t matter.
What matters is that in the long run, there was at least ONE person brave enough to remain in this funhouse – sturdy enough to withstand the push and pull.
And nobody ever thought that could be me.
Not SeeSaw… Not frail-framed Andy!
I’ve grown tired of the suspicions – and the trends that forced me to remain under the marker for far too long in this life I’ve lived.
I’m here to have fun – and in having fun, I will reach the conclusion.
May the revolving door remain closed – never once ajar – above and beyond, the brightest star. If you don’t wish to smile in light of the circumstances, then I will have to do what I have to do in the depths of the darkness that you choose to hide within.
I’ve never been more ready to play with the rest of you.
Come.
Get.
Me.
Hahahahahaha!

SWEET ALICE SAYS
A tapping on Alice’s shoulder. She glances over to find her friend, the dear Mouse from the Tea Party.

“Mouse? How ever did you arrive here?”

“Alice, the Hatter is fighting for his father,
But remember, he is a man who would not bother.
In his mind, his son does not matter.
He would do away completely with Hatter.
He sees his son as something wild,
And truly cares not for his child.
So to survive, this you must.
Continue to gain the Hatter’s trust.”

“You are right, Mouse,” replied Alice. “This child still pawns for his favorite heroes from his youth. Why, I could be that next hero. My survival here is paramount, Mouse. And to do so, I have to remain focused. True, I do feel my focus waning, but his must be as well. He did say that he would not trust me, even as I found a way for us to escape. Well, that will be his very downfall, Mouse. He will rue the day he chose against it. I will be sure of that.”

Alice turned back to Mouse, but he’s no longer on her shoulder. Was he really there in the first place? Or are these lights and purple walls turning her madder than ever?

BANZAN SAYS
Reap what you sow.
Some sow hatred, others sow peace.
In the garden of life – we each plant seeds. The way we live our lives, the choices we make.
Those choices determine what plants will grow from our garden, much like planting seeds.
The seed that one waters is the one that will grow.
Those that sow the seeds of hatred twist the mind beyond all recognition. SeeSaw is the plant that grows from such a seed being harvested.
If only somebody had sown another seed in his life, perhaps his tale would be one of less tragedy.
Perhaps if his father had sown love, not hatred and madness, his plant would look different today.
We reap what we sow.
What seeds have you planted?
For where there is hatred, let us sow love. Where there is war, let us sow peace.
Peace that comes through the fist is for the greater good.
That is the seed I sow.

MR. HOUSE SAYS
Static.

The numbers are becoming smaller and smaller. There’s three left and then we’re onto the finale.

The monitor flickers and Mr. House returns.

“How does it feel? You’ve seen so much pain, torture and suffering tonight, yet you must be thrilled to have made it this far,” he says with a fake round of applause. “Now, my little kitties are going to come and take you two to the battle area. Your competition can watch right here on screen.”

“Goodluck,” says Banzan. “I’ll be waiting”

Both SeeSaw and Alice are led away.

Moments later, the screen flickers, revealing both SeeSaw and Alice in the battle area. They stand opposite each other, ready to find out what their fight will be.

GASPING

As they both stand in the middle of the room, it begins filling up with water until they’re knee deep in it.

“Gasping. The water is not your friend. Use it to drown your opponent and you will make it to the final two.”

SeeSaw and Alice haven’t taken their eyes off each other.

“This is it,” Alice says calmly. “This is what it comes down to.”

SeeSaw looks at them, unsure of their response.

ALICE VS. SEESAW
Both of them splash towards each other, Alice leaping from the water onto SeeSaw, driving him backwards down into the water with both of her knees.

They splash down, both going under.

The water keeps rising.

They pop back up, SeeSaw grabbing Alice by a handful of hair and thrusting her face under water. She struggles.

SeeSaw pulls his hand out, realizing that he only has a handful of hair.

Where’s Alice?

LOW BLOW!

UNDERWATER LOW BLOW!

MAKE BELIEVE CRUMBLES!

He drops into the water, gargling and spitting out as much as he can. Alice leaps out of it with a knee, catching him clean under the jaw.

SeeSaw falls backwards, going under.

She wades towards him, trying to hold him there.

He struggles.

He kicks.

He fights.

BUT HE’S DONE.

ALICE LETS GO, WATCHING HIM FLOAT FACE DOWN TO THE SURFACE.

SEESAW IS…

DEAD?

WHAT THE FUCK!? HAS HE DROWNED!

The water slowly begins seeping away, leaving Alice and SeeSaw flat on the floor.

He coughs.

Spitting up water.

HE’S ALIVE, BUT ALICE WINS!

MR HOUSE SAYS
As Alice recovers, Banzan enters the room.

Mr. House appears on the screen before them.

“Welcome to the final,” House says with applause. “You are the final two left. There’s no vote, only a fight.”

They stare at each other as she gets back to her feet.

“This final fight is the Funhouse special.”

Suddenly, the lights go off.

NIGHT VISION TURNS ON.

“Before you is an axe. Find it, locate it, use it. Of course, you won’t be able to see a thing. It’ll be a swing and a miss.”

He laughs.

SWEET ALICE VS. BANZAN
They can’t see a fucking thing.

But we can.

They scramble, looking for the axe in the dark, each one desperate to pick it up and start swinging.

Banzan is the first to locate it, wildly swinging it out there in the darkness.

Alice eventually catches up, equally searching in the dark for her competitor.

THE LIGHTS COME.

Suddenly, the lights come on and both competitors can see each other.

They rush, slamming their axes against one another, sending sparks flying off into the distance.

Banzan’s strength overpowers her, sending her to the floor.

He reaches out, slamming the axe down.

RIGHT BETWEEN HER LEGS.

HE GETS NOTING BUT SKIRT.

LUCKY GIRL.

She gets back to her feet with a roll.

DUCKS A SWING!

AXE TO THE SKULL!

AXE HANDLE TO THE SKULL!

ANOTHER!

ANOTHER!

ANOTHER!

ANOTHER!

BAZAN IS OUT! HE’S UNCONCIOUS!

HE’S BLOODIED AND UNCONCIOUS.

SWEET ALICE WINS!

CONGRATULATIONS
Mr. House suddenly appears in the room, having entered as that fight concluded.

“Congratulations, my dear,” he proclaims. “You’ve survived The Funhouse.”

She grimaces, falling down.

“You’ve made it, but there’s a prize for your efforts. Tomorrow night, another Funhouse will take place and when there is a winner for that, you will face them for an opportunity at the OSW Championship.”

Alice looks up at him.

“Why?” She growls. “Why are you doing this?”

Mr. House bends down, laughing.

“For fun, of course.”

ALICE SWINGS HER AXE!

SHE CATCHES HOUSE IN THE NECK!

OH MY GOD!!

BLOOD SPURTS EVERYWHERE!

ALICE GETS BACK TO HER FEET, SLAMMING THE AXE INTO HIS NECK REPEATEDLY.

SHE’S CHOPPING MR. HOUSE INTO FUCKING PIECES!

With blood splattered all over her outfit and face, she tosses the axe aside, revealing the neck barely holding the head of Mr. House.

“Let’s see who you are,” she barks.

She rips the cat helmet off…

IT’S NO-ONE! IT’S JUST A MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK?

The screen flickers.

“Did you really think I’d risk injury to congratulate you, little rodent?” House says with a chuckle. “You’re free to go. Get out of here whilst you still can.”

She grimaces.

Cut.