Oi! I’m Chip Montana! And I’m grabbing nature…
BY THE BALLS!!!
You know last night, ol’ Chippy had himself a nightmare. I woke up with me entire body covered in a cold sweat. It was one of the most terrifying dreams I’ve ever had in me life, mate.
I dreamed that nature was wearing underpants.
And the underpants were so thick, I couldn’t grab nature by the balls.
Now anyone who knows me, knows I don’t wear underpants. In fact, I downright refuse to wear them. Why? Because underpants are not natural, mate.
Look around. See any tigers wearing briefs, mate? How about a bear? How about a god damn hippopotamus? How about a kanga?
Truth is, unless a human being forces nature to put on underpants, nature will always let their balls hang free.
It’s simple, mate. Balls are supposed to swing. Swing low, sweet chariot, am I right? And yet for many people, the chariot of the penis does not swing. Its pressed snuggly against their gooch like they wished they had a clit instead of a big bag of nuts.
Well, wish in one hand, put me big ballbag in the other, and you tell me which is heavier, mate.
See mate, when people go around wearing underpants, it honestly pisses me the fuck off. I try not to think about how unnatural us human beings have become. First, we invented clothes, which is bullshit, and then we invented underclothes, which is even more bullshit than clothes.
It’s a conspiracy by the Anti-Free Ball Elite.
So when I see some fucking shill from Fruit of the Loom is trying to push his underpants agenda here in Old School Wrestling, it makes me wanna whip out my nards right in front of the world and say, “Hey, Underpants, what are you hiding?”
Because there are only two reasons to take the unnatural route and wear underpants.
First, to hide the smell of your rectum.
Second, to hide the unsightliness of your sack.
Well Underpants, guess what?
Nature doesn’t care if sweat collects in its rectum and makes a less than rosy odor emanate from your bunghole. Nature doesn’t care if this person or that person likes the sight of her gorgeous nardsack.
Nature only cares about fighting and fucking. That’s it. And when I see someone wearing underpants, I only care about the same things.
So, Underpants. Are you gonna take them off? Because if not, we are either fighting or fucking. And either way, I’m taking them off of you and showing the world just what it is exactly that you’re trying to hide. And as against nature as you may be, it’s only natural that I’m the one to force you out of those drawers.
Because I’m doing this for nature. All the tigers. All the bears. All the women who want to see our balls swing. All the dragons.
Hey, Underpants. Do you like dragons?
Because Im gonna be dragon deez nuts across your face