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First Church of Zion Responds to Shocking Attack

Late last night, notorious Arcadian sex criminal Ceyx Sovereign brought his infamous debauchery into the First Church of Zion. His litany of heinous acts included defecation and masturbation.

Lionel Troy, debonair as ever, stood in front of the Arcadian Press today to make an official statement:

“What Ceyx Sovereign did to Zion’s beloved house last night was nothing short of blasphemy. The man is clearly possessed by the Jaboo. You can shit on me, Ceyx. You can shit on my church and you can cum on it. But one thing you can never do? Is shit on my lord. Amen? You can never cum on Zion. Amen? But don’t worry, Ceyx. I’m a forgiving man and my Father Zion is forgiving too. You can still make it to Eternity.”

Though graceful in his remarks, rumors abound that behind the scenes, things aren’t quite as forgiving as Reverend Troy suggests. Armed volunteers will be reportedly patrolling the First Church of Zion during non-operational hours. Additionally, some have heard Troy cussing and screaming about bringing Ceyx to an end.

The Newsdesk