“Every cereal worth their shit has a mascot featured on the front of the box.”
“Captain Crunch, Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun, and so on not only help their brand stick out from the rest of those bland store brand or ‘healthy’ cereals.”
“And then there were Wheaties.”
“They never had a mascot, but they paid then famous athletes to sponsor their product and use the athlete’s likeness on their boxes.”
“Many faces from the sports world had their faces plastered on those boxes. People like Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, and even Steve Austin have endorsed Wheaties during the height of their popularity.”
“Despite having some recognizable faces, many of the athletes featured on those boxes have faded into obscurity. They might be hall of famers or champions, but what good is being one of those if nobody fucking remembers who you are?”
“So some people displayed on Wheaties went on to do some outlandish things. Caitlyn Jenner transitioned, Michael Vick built a dog fighting ring, and Dale Earnhardt fucking died to make sure their names remained relevant.”
“People like Cael Gable are one of the many desperate people that didn’t want to leave the spotlight.”
“You were the shit back when you won that gold medal, weren’t you Cael? You were practically on top of the world with people chanting your name to the heavens as if you were the second coming of Jesus.”
“You saw that success continue when you arrived in Old School Wrestling for the first time. You captured more gold, fought the law and won, and put an end to a crazy doctor’s experiments.”
“But when you came back to OSW after leaving it the first time around, you couldn’t replicate your accomplishments from years ago.”
“Desperate to remain relevant in the eyes of the greater public, you went on to perform horrid things that the Cael of old would’ve been fucking mortified to perform.”
“First you killed a man in cold blood after he begged and pleaded with you to understand where he was coming from. Then you went on to take his place in the match as if you were booked to fight the world champ all along.”
“As if that weren’t enough, you then decided to sell your soul to become Yahweh’s eternal bitch boy with the rest of Vayikra. If you’re going to these extremes to stay relevant, then congratulations, you’re succeeding.”
“Eventually, however, the spotlight will move away from you again. When you and the rest of your religious fuckwits grow stale in the eyes of the public, what will you do to get them to look at you again?”
“Me and Tag will do what we’ve been doing since the very start of our run. We’ll fuck with the world and take names of all the people we’ve fucked with.”
“Yours will just be another name on an increasingly growing list of people we’ve devoured.”
“Jet Set Radio are here to fuck the world and we’ll fuck you too!”