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I knew a guy once, he was cock of the walk. He liked to think he ruled the roost, and that Arcadia was his oyster. He travelled, like I did, but not as far afield.

He said to me that he was just “keepin’ ’em keen”.


He pictured himself as this master strategist, pulling all of the strings, making people do exactly what he wanted. A little trip away to make the heart grow fonder here, a little gift to make them feel hood about themselves there. It all added up and made him this desirable stud of a man.

So he thought.

The truth of the matter is he left his level for a little while, and when he came back, nobody had particularly missed him. Absence had not made the heart grow any fonder at all. If anything the absence had made the heart grow wearier.

This guy came back to his level, and suddenly all of the women he’d been talking to, trying to get them dancing along to his tune, weren’t all that interested. They would still talk to him. Hang out at the shopping precinct. Ask him to hold their bags whilst they tried on this new outf-

“Oh,” he said. It had dawned on him quick enough that the worst possible thing had happened to him.

He’d been friendzoned.

These women saw him as nothing more than a harmless guy they could leave hanging on while they had a chad stud riding rough around the house. He wasn’t a threat to their relationship because he was just that insignificant.

And the problem is, this is all sounding too familiar isn’t it, Felix?

You too, like to pull people along like puppets on a string. You treated those around you like the puppets you control. Then you went away and Scissors took over. A new level, you could call it. And when you came back, Felix Foley, the object of your affection no longer had time for you.

But this man was your friend, Dr. Doom.

You can’t be friendzoned if the person you are attempting to form a connection with was already just your friend before. No, you are resigned to a fate much worse than that.


When you’re friendzoned you still have those around you to fall back on. Those friends who know just how to make you bounce back. But what if they were the ones cutting you off? Where do you go then? Who do you turn to?

The truth is, Felix, that your dalliance as Scissors has left you isolated and alone, and even those who once cared deeply for you  now only care at a surface level if they even care at all.

And when you’re as deep in the end zone as you are, Felix, there ain’t no way you’re ever getting out.

So welcome to the end zone. Make yourself comfortable. You’re going to be here for a long time.