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Deathly Dan

Deathly Dan

Welcome one and all to the Foley Funhouse!

Death is a very final and terrifying thing, children. I know that sometimes, people like Jasper Redgrave can scare you, so I’ve brought a friend to help you understand.”

“Please meet Deathly Dan.”

My daddy didn’t love me.

“Er, hi Deathly Dan – say hello to the children.”

“Hello to the children.”

“I brought you here to talk about Death, old friend. You’re a bit of an author when it comes to the topic, are you not?”

“I’ve had a book on the subject, yeah.”

“I guess I can tell you a story.”

“A man once had a pen.”

“It wasn’t a big or flashy pen. It didn’t look special, or wonderous. It was just a pen.”

“With this pen, the man became an artist. He could write and draw the most incredible of things with it. So, naturally, he did just that. He drew and he drew, and he drew.”

“Until one day, the pen ran out of ink.”

“This artist of such astonishing sights could no longer create. His pen would no longer facilitate such incredible feats.”

“He tried other such mediums, but nothing drew parallel. Nothing came even close.”

“And thus, the artist was no more.”

“You’re an artist with a pen full of ink, Jasper. You think you can draw all that your heart desires, and that you’ll never stop or be stopped.”

“But your pen, it’s filled with the blood and flesh of those around you.”

“The people of Arcadia have long filled your pen with every ounce of themselves; you bring death to their door and it sustains your art. It allows you to create your masterpieces.”

“You’re the author of their untimely demise.”

“You see kids, death is scary. It’s supposed to be. But Jasper Redgrave won’t be drawing you any gnarly pictures at Clash; he won’t be able to. Because you see, without Felix Foley as his ink, his pen won’t be able to draw. There won’t be a masterpiece made of Felix for you to have nightmares over.”

“Felix won’t be the ink to Jasper’s pen, oh no.”

“As such, his story will come to an end.”

“So, what you’re saying is that if Jasper doesn’t kill me, he can’t do weird stuff with my body?”

“I was trying to be a little more impressive about it, but yes Felix; don’t let that fucking asshole kill you and you won’t find yourself splattered across a canvas like one of Blacktooth’s lunches.”


“I was legitimately concerned about that; that’s why I asked you, erm… that’s why I brought you along for the kids.”

“So, what’s your final thought, Felix?”

“Hang on, hang on, let me just write this down.”

“Don’t let Jasper Redgrave murder me.”

“Don’t become dead.”

“Don’t become terrible art that no-one wants to look at!”

“Well kids, that does lead us to Foley’s Thought.”

If you don’t want to end up dead, don’t get killed. And if you don’t want to end up as terrible art, make sure you don’t let Jasper Redgrave kill you. If I have my notes right, that’s a must!

Felix Foley