What’re you waiting for? If you haven’t applied to join OSW already, you should be on your way there. Failing that, be sure to follow us on Twitch at TheRAGEsmash and FastLanePlays!
Back to Top

Couples Therapy

Couples Therapy

All a human ever wants is to find the One and settle down, right? That’s what I’m told at least. That’s not how we fucking do it, that’s for sure. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to Starboy. He’d fit in with my people.

But Starboy to one side, the vast majority of people want that, right?

Someone to sip fucking hot chocolate with in the cold winters. Someone to build them up when they need it and take them down a peg or two when their ego inflates.

Well it feels like we’re on a fucking 90’s dating show because I see three distinctly different couples before me.

First of all we have Tag and Ether, a couple of rebels. As good a fit as they’ve been with each other so far, their time as a couple will soon come to an end. They’re what I like to call an event couple, right? They’re only fucking together because of something happening. Tag and Ether without Jet Set Radio wouldn’t say hi in the street. They exist purely for Jet Say Radio to rebel. And let me tell you I’ve been pretty fucking impressed with their meddling. Shit, I take notes sometimes for my own research. But this kind of couple can never last.

Secondly, we have Sir Bellator and Sir Renault, a couple of preachers. They decry all sin and so you’d think adultery would never be the thing that drove a wedge between them but in all honestly it’s exactly their common interests that make them a pointless and useless couple. Both boringly pious, they’re the kind of couple who would sleep in separate rooms, have no sex life, and barely interact 6 days of the week, coming together to show a united front at church on Sundays. The epitome of old school thinking, they just don’t understand the dating world anymore, so they stay together against the better judgement of everyone around them, because they just can’t give up on their stupid fucking ideology.

And finally we have Zero and Pyre, the actual legitimate couple. Not that it makes a blind fucking bit of difference that they’re legit, when one of them is married to another fucking man, and the other is playing some sort of submissive gimp game. Fuck knows. The problem is that they are the kind of couple that are great within a vacuum, but they’ll never get that peace. Instead the world around them insists they fail.

It’s pretty fucking clear that all three couples need some good old fashioned couples therapy, and that’s why it’s a good job me and my old pal Starboy are here. Just fucking look at us. Rebellious like Tag and Ether, but not just together because of a singular event or cause; preaching for a good cause but not drowning in the lost causes of the past; and legitimate couple goals, even though we’re not a fucking couple. And I’d never let another man get between us… except maybe TGK.

We’re ready to move to some physical therapy next. So let’s do it now, and do it loud.