Cocaine Zappa’s Pain Away

In Felix Foley, Promo by Felix Foley

Welcome one and all to the Foley Funhouse!

“Today, my friends and I would like to talk to you about pain, children.”

“And I have just the guy to tell you a story. His name is Cocaine Zappa.”

[puff]

“It’s about to get really, really heavy in here, man.”

“There’s always that one person, man. That one person who insists on feeling pain.”

“They like to preach about endurance of agony, like it’s some kind of badge of honor – like they pin that shit to their chest with pride. They’re the people sat in the room, trying their best not to wince whilst everyone else suffers.”

“It makes them feel pretty big and tough, you know?”

“And when that’s all said and done, they come out of that thinking they’re better than everyone else. They think that because they suffered, it matters more.”

“Grimskull – you know the difference between you and Felix here? In your mind, he’s a little bitch.”

“Rude.”

“I’ve seen this guy stub his toe and hyperventilate into a paper bag for twenty minutes before passing out.”

“Hey, that’s a secret!”

“I’ve watched him get a papercut that, if you believe him, was by far the worst agony he’d ever experienced. How many plasters and cold compresses did you use on that little knick, anyway?”

“Just a couple… hundred.”

“You wouldn’t have needed any of that, would you Grimskull? I bet I could put my blunt out on one of your beady little eyes and you’d suck my dick in gratitude for the pain, whilst pretending you’re a big strong skull man type thing that can take it.”

“But literally none of that is the difference.”

“Not a fucking lick of it.”

The difference is that in your mind, he’s a little bitch.

“Because after getting hurt, he could sit there and masturbate into a sock like you do, trying to endorphin away the pain with so called ‘endurance’ measures, or he could do something else.”

“Get rid of the pain.”

Mind… blown.

“You see, there’s a whole fucking world of drugs you can take to ease the pain, Grimmy.”

“You can snort away the agony.”

“You can smoke away the pain.”

“You can swallow some fucking paracetamol and feel tip top in just under an hour.”

“The only difference between you and Felix is NOT that he’s a little bitch.”

“He doesn’t enjoy or endure the pain, but that’s not why he’s NOT a little bitch.”

“He pops a couple tablets and washes the pain away.”

But that’s not why he’s NOT a little bitch either.

“He’s NOT a little bitch because he’s smart enough to know that whether he takes the painkillers or endures the pain, the fucking outcome is exactly the same.”

“Only he didn’t have to spend an hour trying not to cry over an awkward sneeze.”

“Unappreciated opinions aside, I believe that leads us to Foley’s Thought, children.”

“You can endure pain; you can close your eyes and pretend it doesn’t hurt. That’s fine. But you can medicate the pain away and the outcome is always the same. Don’t suffer in silence; take the pain away.”