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Cinderella

Cinderella

A feel good story is like Cinderella – because she was never supposed to be Cinderella to begin with, ya’dig?

This girl was supposed to spend her remaining days sewing, cooking, and cleaning while her sisters attended all the cool parties and lived life in the comfy lap of obnoxious luxury.

Then so suddenly, a couple of rodents and a Fairy Godmother come along. They toss a little bit of pixie dust in her eye sockets and suddenly, Cinderella is the fairest maiden of them all.

The sisters are now holding the dirty plates and half-crocheted Christmas sweaters, while Cinderella gets dolled up for a night on the town – in a beautiful carriage –  transformed from a mo’fuckin’ pumpkin, at that.

And you’d think that by midnight, as the story implies, this crazy windfall would expire and the chick would be back to making Chicken Cordon Bleu for those far more fortunate – but of course not.

Even though the carriage turns back into an ugly pumpkin, and her clothes are turned back into rags – those friendly rodents figure out a way to outwit everyone and everything and go on to ensure that Cinderella becomes a princess and shacks up with the charming one.

Man, fuck this Cinderella story bullshit.

Fuck that rodent Zero, and that fire-rat Pyre, and fuck the little Cinderella story himself, The Generation Kid.

Oh, people are eating you up for breakfast, ain’t they? It’s the little boy wonder, and he’s somehow managed to escape the kitchen for a night on the town – and we’re suddenly stuck in this fantasy world where people are diggin’ this?

This? 

Might I remind all of you that this is Jet Set Radio’s party and we decide when we’ve had enough. And when we get to that point, you go right ahead and waltz your ass in to pick up the scraps, because we’ve had our fun.

But instead, you’re trying to get in on that feel-good shit when we haven’t even had our dessert yet?

Those rodents in Cinderella may have been clever enough to overcome all the obstacles to get her to some fairytale destination, but this is real life – and in real life, those rodents are mashed into our wheels like applesauce.

They don’t make it to the end, ya’dig?

Which means that it’s just you, kid.

And it’d be easy to run into your pumpkin carriage and high-tail it out of town, but there ain’t no pumpkin carriage in real life – just a rotting gourd with worms and other critters coming out it and shit.

That ball, where all the glitter is gold, was an illusion, baby. Why the hell do you think Zero told you to worry about that title of yours? Why the hell do you think that none of your aligned rodents wanted to come for your hoverboard?

Because they know what we’re all about – and none of it feels good, ya’dig?

So before you get too hurt, consider going back to life before the Cinderella fantasy came to fruition – where life was a little bit more simple, and you didn’t have three roughnecked street bangers on your ass.

Just a recommendation from Uncle Wiz, is all.