Chocolate Canni-balls

In Promo, Teddy O'Toole by Teddy O'Toole

I’ve tried it all.

If you can eat it, I’ve tried it.

But human flesh?

I… Damn it, I just can’t manage to swallow it.

It’s absolutely disgusting.

That’s not to say the cannibal market is particularly large in Arcadia.

But, we have dabbled in niche markets before.

And I have considered offering a… Shall we say, synthetic alternative for human flesh.

Coated in chocolate.

We called the idea, “Chocolate Canni-balls.”

Problem is…

It’s just not good.

Even coated in chocolate, the taste of human flesh is appalling.

And if I can’t swallow a product? We don’t let it hit the shelves.

My market research team thought it was possible that my foreknowledge of what was occurring was the problem.

So they organized an elaborate, blind taste test with meats I was mostly unfamiliar with.

Many obscure meats were tried that evening.

But as soon as the human flesh touched my tongue, I couldn’t stomach it.

I admit it. I vomited.

It was absolutely disgusting.

And that’s when I realized that, really, there are two types of cannibalism.

Cannibalism from necessity.

And cannibalism from preference.

No one can look down on or judge those who are cannibals by necessity. Someone lost in the wilderness with another, lets say, and starving. In such instances, you can see how the mind would pervert itself in order to keep the body that hosts it alive.

But those who are cannibals from preference?

Those who would eat human flesh because they enjoy the taste?

Those who would file their ugly teeth into sharp fangs so that they can better pierce the flesh of man and indulge more easily?

Such people are not merely violent psychopaths.

Such people are not merely screwloose, immoral morons.

Such people…

Have bad taste.

And so, I’ve decided to do an about face on my previous stance regarding my being able to stomach a product before we release it.

We will be releasing Chocolate Canni-balls anyway.

Why? Well, they have bad taste. So it doesn’t matter that it tastes bad.

Further, they are complete morons. They call themselves “Blood Runners” and hoot and hollar and follow around an ignoramus named Black Tooth.

Black Tooth. You want to follow around a dipshit named Black Tooth and eat human flesh?

I’ll do you one better.

I’ll offer you the same shitty taste, but coated in chocolate.

And at a low price. Because let’s face it, if you are stupid enough to follow a man who calls himself Black Tooth around, then you’re damn sure broke and will probably have to borrow money — probably from a disappointed relative who hates your stinking, human flesh-filled guts.

Anyway, I fully expect this product to fail.

Because we are marketing to people who are complete failures.

But, on the off chance they find some money, we could turn a profit.

After all, we want every one to enjoy our product.

Even complete losers with no ambition and bad taste.

And if anyone can corner that shitty market,

The Candy Man can.