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Candy Ass

Hello, boys.

Hi Mr. Teddy!

Have you noticed anything strange, today?

The girls aren’t here!

That’s right. It’s a boys only meeting.


Don’t celebrate too quickly, boys. With any luck, those girls will one day become women! And you all, men. Proper men. And what do proper men do?

They protect women, boys! But I’m afraid our market research on our newest product has revealed an unforseen side-effect it has on women.

What’s your new product Mister Teddy?

I suppose I should reveal it.

Introducing… The Candy Ass!!


Now take a look boys. This thing has an extremely hard candy shell. It seems tough as all get out. But what happens when I…


Hit it with my cane? Do you see?

The softest, gooiest, candy center you’ve ever seen in your life.

Mister Teddy, why is it making all that noise?

Excellent question, boy. Excellent question.

Candy Asses make a lot of noise. They might threaten you, they might call you names, they might even try to manipulate you.

And would you believe these Candy Asses actually have a hypnotic effect on young and vulnerable women? If a girl spends enough time within earshot of a Candy Ass, it’ll have her doing smack and meth, selling her body to improper men, and soon, she’ll believe she’s nothing better than a common whore.

Can you imagine boys, a Candy Ass around your sister? Your mother? Turning them from once proud women into common street trash?

No! We would never let that happen.

Well, if that’s true, you’ll have to become a proper man.

Because unfortunately, Candy Asses are too big to devour all on your own as a boy. You’ll have to grow up into proper men.

How do we become proper men?

Well, look at this big, giant Candy Ass.

It’s loud isn’t it?

Threatening and mean, isn’t it?

But we already know all you have to do to devour one of these Candy Asses, is to break through its hard shell.

It practically melts the moment you do so.

A proper man need not be loud. He need not make threats and convince women to devalue themselves.

A proper man, instead, walks softly — but carries a big stick.

That’s not only how you be a proper man, but that’s how you stop a Candy Ass like this one from influencing the women in your life to become less than they are.

The sad truth is boys, there are Candy Asses like this one all over Arcadia, calling themselves pimps and drug dealers and gangsters. And it always, ALWAYS requires a proper man to devour and get rid of them.

A proper man doesn’t tell women to try meth or smack. A proper man doesn’t convince women to sell their bodies.

A proper man makes them get rid of the meth.

A proper man makes them lay the smack down on that Candy Ass.

And who do you know that’s a proper man, boys?

The Candy Man!

That’s right.