In Promo by Tallywhack

Yesterday, me brother and I found a scattering of remains in the fields that we roam, all disassembled like a bunch of fuckin’ Legos. 

Up until recently, this wasn’t a prominent occurrence in our valuable travels. 

Here and there, we’d see Bob and Jan face down in the mud after their troubles had caught up their arses – but it was now startin’ to become a bloody pattern. 

But the most interesting thing about it all? Not one of them was ridden of the most important asset in Arcadia – 


These blokes may as well have been bleeding gold from their eyes, and it seemed as if whomever was responsible for these patterns didn’t bother to notice. 

But after a pint, I realized that this isn’t the case at all

They didn’t bother to care – 

And as we tossed through a leg here and an arm there to find every last coin, I asked myself: 

Why wouldn’t they care? 

Because they have an entirely separate fortune devoted to something else, that’s bloody why. 

Of course, this is when Knack suggested that we venture into the human anatomy black market – but I refused. 

The last thing the Charms are going to do is lay down for anyone – and we’re certainly not going to tailor ourselves to someone else’s business plan. 

We’ll steal it instead. Well, what we want of it – that is. 

Because we’re not in it for the skin like you, Jasper, because skin rots away eventually. 

We’re here for the gold – and something, deeeeeeep in the willies, tells me that you’ve been quite the successful bloke. 

Why else would you slay all of these unfortunate slews for a couple of toes and maybe an ear, ay?

Because secretly, you’re making a bloody fortune. 

And you dare feed us your breadcrumbs across the fields like we’re nothing but a couple of broken fairies? 

Is this because you think you’re better than us, you blade-swinging gobshite? 

Is this your message for us to back off – to take what we’ve come for so that you can go about your ways doing your own little thing with your body parts? 

I’ll have you know my wee little Jasper, breadcrumbs always lead to the big meal. If you’ve taken plans to see me brother and I off, then mistakes have been made altogether, mate. 

Once we get a little bite of those precious breadcrumbs you’ve left amidst your destruction, we’ve no other choice but to tame ourselves to fate at hand. 

Because that fate, my lad, is that we’ve now come for you

A pity that is for you, but everyone has their plights in life. For you, it’s too kill, dismember, and then decorate the wall. 

For us, it’s to be the richest anyone has ever seen

Behind all of those body parts that you’ve collected is a treasure – a pot of GOLD – 

And I want it more than I could ever explain to you, Jasper. 

So keep droppin’ them breadcrumbs, my lad – 

I’ll be right there!