“Imagine you’re at a party with a bonfire raging in the middle.”
“What do you do?”
“It’s hot, it’s pretty to look at, and it can burn the fuck out of you if ya ain’t careful. Now most people around that bonfire are gonna do one of two things. They’re gonna sit and stare…”
“Or they’re gonna feed it.”
“Booze is gonna get splashed on it, dry wood is gonna get tossed to it, and most of the party is gonna sit there with their dicks in the hands seeing just how big it’ll get.”
“But what happens when the fire starts burning out of control? When eyebrows are gettin’ singed and dudes are catchin’ fire?”
“You gotta put it out.”
“Someone at that party needs to stand up, grab the hose, and spray that fire til it shrinks down and dies.”
“Sure, some people ain’t gonna be happy, some people wanna let that fire get so big it sets the whole party on fire!”
“But I ain’t that kind guy.”
“Now, OSW is really one big ass party, a massive fuckin’ kegger full of the weirdest cliques you can even imagine.”
“And right now? All of us are sitting around, eyes glazed over, staring at a massive raging bonfire named Pyre.”
“You’re hot, babe, a real fiery bitch that just keeps growing and growing with no end in sight.”
“And why?”
“Because people keep feeding you.”
“Zero, TGK, even my girl Ether. They’re out here walking up and chucking hunks of that sweet sweet pine onto you and watching you shoot those flames.”
“You winning that title was Simon striking the match to get this party started!”
“And I can already tell that he’s not gonna let that fire die. He’s obsessed with you, just wantin’ to see how massive that flame can get it.”
“People are already gettin’ burned too, babe.”
“Zero caught fire, TGK got singed, and I know you’re already looking to let those flames leap out and give me a low budget Brazilian.”
“But like I said, I ain’t that kinda guy.”
“See, most of OSW at this party? They’re sitting back in awe, watching you grow while all the dipshits feeding you are getting burned. Someone needs to stand up, grab their hose, and you out.”
“And I guess that someone has to be me, right?”
“Hate to be a party pooper, but I ain’t lookin’ to leave this party for the burn ward.”
“We’re gonna face off, and I know Simon ain’t gonna like it but I’m busting out my long, thick garden hose to leave you drenched. While Ether and Zero are stop, dropped, and rolling Imma be dumping gallons of my wetness all over your face.”
“This kegger is done, babe, you’re getting put out.”
“But don’t worry, Pyre. When the fire’s gone and the smoke’s rising, I’ll be sure to start the after party with the world title around my waist.”
“Now put your head between my legs and kiss your belt goodbye.”