Old Man River down the road was a real dick.
He lived on a farm. Twenty acres of pure grade a shit where he could live like the cunt he was. He stayed out of everyone’s way, so we stayed out of his.
Until he didn’t.
We thought one of our dogs ran away, but it turns out Old Man River stole him, and chained him to a golden pole.
He sent out his hired help to keep me and my bro off his land, but we knew what he was doing. Our poor hound got beaten within an inch of his life.
But he didn’t die.
The dog lived.
The old man starved the good boy, holding tender meat right in front of his face then telling him he couldn’t have it.
But we got him scraps.
The dog lived.
Then he got fed up with all of it. He took the hound out behind the barn, and put a gun between his eyes.
But something in him made him unable to pull the trigger.
The dog lived.
Then one day, me and Eddie got past his thugs. It was just us and him in a showdown. As bad as we wanted to get our licks in, we knew what we had to do.
Old Man River tied up to chair. Our dog, finally unchained.
The old man didn’t live.
See Simon, this ain’t my first rodeo with old cunts like you.
You got your little fiefdom, your domain where whatever Simon Says becomes law. And as long as you were sucking Deathnote’s dick, we didn’t care.
But then you stepped in our business.
You got your hands on Pyre, chained her up to your real nice with your sham marriage, didn’t you?
Then you even sent the Jet Set Cunts after us all, but we saw right through it. You nearly killed her, drowning her to extinguish her power.
But she didn’t die.
Pyre lives.
You took Zero, starving him of love, holding his beloved’s marriage hand in front of him. You told him he couldn’t have it.
But their love still endures.
Zero lives.
And me? You couldn’t bear to lay eyes on me, so you took me out back and put a gun between my eyes.
But then you fucked up.
You didn’t pull the fucking trigger.
Luke Storm lives.
Time and time again, that’s been your fatal mistake. You get us right where you want us, then you can’t finish the job.
Because just like Old Man River, you just can’t handle living in a world where there are Bad Mother Fuckers that don’t lay down and do exactly what you say.
But that’s the world we live in, ain’t it?
After all the torture and turmoil, the Bad Mother Fuckers still mother fucking live.
And this week, we’re going to take our your thugs. And when it’s just you and us.
Well, that dog will hunt, Simon.
And that is when you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am THE Real Deal Mother Fucker…
But you? Old Man River?
You’re just Real Fucking Dead!