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Blockbuster

Blockbuster

You know me. I’m a big Jesus mark.

Jesus is the icon of religion, and the protagonist of so many stories in the Bible.

He’s such a selfless, compassionate man, and his miracles and teachings are just so empowering.

So when I saw God’s son’s face posted all over the previews of this movie called “The Passion of the Christ,” I just had to have a gander.

I watched the entire film the other day. It chronicled the final twelve hours of the life of Jesus Christ, from his betrayal by Judas Iscariot to his trial and then his death.

Overall I thought it was pretty good, but I can’t help but feel that it missed the mark: the stunt double stood in for the lead actor a bit too much, most notably during the crucifixion scene.

I’d rate the film a solid B.

I’ve been seeing this other guy’s face plastered across billboards all over the city lately.

From what I gather, this bad actor has been hanging around the Slaughterhouse for quite some time now, and you could say he’s even biblical to the cannon of this company.

But anyone who calls himself a “Bad Mother (expletive)” isn’t really my type of guy. And from what I’ve been reading in the tabloids lately, it sure seems like he’s only out for himself.

In his latest film, starring someone else with more star power, mind you, Storm was even cast as the supporting actor who betrays his famous friend.

They say art imitates life, and you, Lucas, are the epitome of selfish scum.

Luke Storm, your whole career you’ve been cast as nothing more than a supporting actor.

You played second-fiddle to your brother Edward Newton after he eclipsed you as the king of Old School Wrestling.

It turned out that you were the third-most powerful member of BMF after Zero, and then Pyre, both became world champion.

And now, like the Judas you are, you betray the only lifeline to fame you have left in Zero because the critics prefer him over you.

You’re a B-Lister.

And worse, you’re a sinner.

But what if I told you I could help you change your ways?

What if I told you that I could cast you in a leading role in a remake of “The Passion,” starring Luke Storm in his breakout role as Jesus Christ?

Only thing is, this will be a live performance. There’s no stunt doubles, special effects, or retakes in this show.

And you’re going to have to bring your A-Game when you perform opposite me.

The pain Zero felt from your betrayal of him will be nothing compared to the pain you feel when I crucify you at the climax of our match.

It is then that you will see the light and have that “come to Jesus” moment you so desperately need as you hang before Yahweh for your final judgment.

It shall be a blockbuster of biblical proportions.

At High Voltage, Hollywood Luke Storm’s star will finally rise.

And we are going to make bank off the box office sales, buddy.

Deus vult.