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Black

Black

When I came to this planet, I had a hard time getting used to the language. English is full of fucking flowery bullshit and double meanings. Words don’t mean what I thought they mean. Sayings mean the opposite to me as what they might do to an earth dweller, right?

Well, if you’ve followed me at all, you’ll understand why there is one particular saying that gets me confused as shit. I’d not been here long when I heard someone say “well it’s all there, in black and white.”

I’m sorry. Fucking what? It’s all there in black and white? So I asked them what they meant by it. She told me that what it meant was that everything you needed was there to see, and there could be no doubt. She said it basically meant that it was simple to understand and didn’t need a lot of thinking. My head buzzed with this information.

Even by her standards, that makes Simon Black a fucking halfwit. All black and no white means he’s not got the full information he needs in front of him. He’s making plans and pulling strings but there is an element of doubt to it, because he can only account for half of the knowledge he needs. Simon Black calls himself the Taskmaster, but he is no master of anything. If anything he is a mere Task-doer. I get the feeling his “intelligence” is actually just the effect of having a good woman behind him. My human friends often say behind every good man is a good woman. If that’s true then in front of every bad bitch is a bad bastard.

But let’s go back to something for a second. I’m judging you by what my human friend took “it’s all there in black and white” to mean, you simpleton fucking freak – what about what it means to me?

Colours are fucking incredible. Colours are so omnipotent and omnipresent in all of life, right, because they can indicate everything, represent anything. Red can mean anger, or love. Blue can mean sad, or calm. Green can mean jealous, or caring. It’s a fucking language all to itself. And black and white fit that too, white can mean goodness, freshness, new beginnings.

But black? Black is evil. Black is darkness. Black is loss.

A man who goes by Black and shuns other colours is a man who cannot know true love. A man who only sees things on a basic level. A man who cannot understand humanity. And if a fucking alien can understand humanity better than you then what the fuck is your purpose in life?

Listen, Simon, the truth is you encompass everything that Black stands for, perfectly, and maybe you’re good with that, but limiting yourself to the one colour is so fucking exhausting. If you loosened up a little you might find some fun in the rainbow of life. You might actually feel something. Because at the minute I doubt you feel anything at all.

Just like your fucking wife, am I right?