Life got you down? Feel like you’re the smartest guy around, but you just can’t shake Ol’ Teddy? Feel like you wanna kill Theodore, but he happens to have a …
Chocolate Canni-balls
I’ve tried it all. If you can eat it, I’ve tried it. But human flesh? I… Damn it, I just can’t manage to swallow it. It’s absolutely disgusting. That’s not …
Internal Memo: Marketing Strategy
All: The marketing team, including the Vice President of marketing, have all been sacked. Internal job applications will be posted. If no suitable candidates emerge from our talent pool, we’ll …
Sugar Cult
Children, are any of you familiar with religion? I am, Mr. Teddy. Wonderful, Franklin. Can you share with your peers what religion is? It’s when you believe in something greater …
Dark Chocolate Lemonade
Hello children! Hi Mr. Teddy! What glorious treat will we be trying today? Well, children, that is an interesting question. You know, in spite of my reputation, not all of …
Candy Ass
Hello, boys. Hi Mr. Teddy! Have you noticed anything strange, today? The girls aren’t here! That’s right. It’s a boys only meeting. Yay! Don’t celebrate too quickly, boys. With any …
O’Toole Candy Co. Employee Handbook – Section I – Introduction
Congratulations! If you are reading this, you’ve been hired to work in the Ol’ Factory of O’Toole Candy Co., the biggest and best candy company in all of Arcadia. It …
Epitaffy
Sweet children, I have grave news. Some day, each and every one of you are going to die. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll also live forever. Mr. Teddy, that doesn’t …
Verily Sour Jawbreaker
Sweet children, sour children, can you hear my voice shaking? The ground beneath my feet quaking? And my poor jaw, breaking? Introducing… THE VERILY SOUR JAW BREAKER! The candy that …
Chocolate Memory Mints
Memories are interesting things, aren’t they sweet children? Each one contains within it a power of some kind or other. Some memories make us long for the days they existed …
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