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Ace

Ace

When I was a kid, I had an Australian Shepherd named Ace.

Ace was an energetic sumbitch: a ball of energy that chased every little thing he saw with all he had. Neighbors, birds, bats even.

Cars…

Speaking of, there was this old Caddy that drove down our street every day about 2. At a quarter ‘til, Ace was scratching at the door like a bitch in heat. I’d let him out and go sit on the steps.

Here came that hunk of junk around the corner, and as soon as he saw it, Ace started yapping up a fucking storm. He blasted out of the yard like a bullet out a pistol, chasing the Caddy with all he had.

And that’s an understatement. He’d be drenched in sweat and slobber as he ran with reckless abandon.

But he always came up short. No matter how fast he ran, the car was faster. The Caddy would pull off our street, and he’d come back with his tail between his legs.

Chip Montana reminds me a lot of Ace.

He never quits, does he? His ass will go to the ends of the earth to find his latest quarry, no matter what it is. Other people, monsters, and bats especially.

And rabbits.

Little Dave the Rabbit has been eluding Chip for god knows how long, hasn’t he? Every time even the hint of a pair of ears, here comes Montana grabbing his balls. He says his spiel, and it looks like he’s off to the races.

DTR shows his face, and there goes Chip doing his thing. He puts it all on the line, using every device at his disposal. The combined power of man and machine, and Chip gets Dave in his sights…

…then nothing.

Dave always gets away.

No matter what he does, how he does it, Chip Montana always comes up short from nabbing that damn rabbit. Whether it’s a deficit in speed or brains, ole Chip just can’t get the job done.

That’s why you remind me of Ace, Chip.

Because you’re plucky. You got moxie. And you’re an entertaining sumbitch to boot.

But that’s all you are. A frivolity that I watch commit hijinks with a grin on my face. Just like Ace, though, you never learn. You never evolve.

You can have your man and machine, kid, but know that I’ve got man, machine, and motherfucker, motherfucker!

What that means is that Luke Storm just bought him an old beat up Cadillac. It’s shined up, with some bunny ears on it for you, Chip.

Get your camera ready, get your balls ready, and scratch at the door like the bitch you are.

It’s time to go outside.

Cause Big Caddy Luke is coming down your street.

But know that no matter how fast you are, lightning strikes faster.

No matter how loud you bark, thunder breaks louder.

The only balls you’ll be grabbing are your own after the cold downpour of defeat shrivels them up.

Because I’m the Real fucking Deal.

And you’re just like Ace.

No balls, no brain, and eating my fucking dust!