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A New Asshole

A New Asshole

Large bowel obstructions are always such an adventure.

There’s something about navigating through the passageways of a gastrointestinal tract and not knowing what lies around the corner of each bend that’s exhilarating.

You really get to understand someone inside and out when you scope them top to bottom.

And the cause of the blockage is always such a fun reveal.

Rather recently I had a patient come in for an urgent colonoscopy because he hadn’t stooled for nearly a week and had accompanying gut pain.

So I had Frightengale put him under anesthesia, and then I scoped him to see what exactly the problem was.

When I tell you that I’ve seen it all twice and I’ve never seen anything like this, I mean it.

I mean the guy looked like the adventurous type, but I didn’t expect to find a fully-wrapped O’Toole Bar clogging his sigmoid colon.

It truly was a myth as to how he managed that one.

Speaking of myth, there’s a mysterious traveler who frequents Olympus that they say has visited every section of every level in Arcadia.

Supposedly there have been sightings of him escorting a certain Candy Man around lately. And from the sound of it, it seems like he’s ready and willing to explore all the little nooks and crannies he may have glossed over in his pursuit of new territory.

After all, he’s seen it all twice, so even the roar of a bear wouldn’t phase this traveller.

And although I hear his gut has been deterring him from certain journeys lately, it’s my professional opinion that he’s simply moved onto seeking different thrills.

Speaking of thrills, remember that patient of mine that I referenced earlier? It turns out that he loved the flavor of O’Toole Bars going down his esophagus so much that he wanted to experience them on a whole new frontier.

I’ll allow your imagination to take your mind on a trip in regards to how the candy bar arrived to its final destination.

But that poor patient didn’t know what trouble he got himself into with that excursion to candy land.

The obstruction had turned his intestines necrotic, so when he awoke from anesthesia he found his asshole had travelled to a new destination on his body: his stomach.

I managed to save his life with that colostomy.

I hope that piqued your interest Drewitt, because legend has it that his candy bar is credits-deep in you, Pilgrim.

Take my medical advice: that feeling in your gut will turn into something much worse if you get to know Teddy O’Toole any better.

Because he’s about to coerce you into exploring every section of every level of Arcadia. And that includes you, if you understand what I mean.

But there’s a fork in the road of your explorations at Clash 304.

I recommend you trust your gut and take the path that leads to my operating room so I can press rewind on this new little thrill of yours and save your ass from candy rot.

I’ve laid out your journey for you.

Don’t make me rip you a new asshole.