Static covers the screen as a Play ► symbol appears in the bottom right-hand corner.
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive.”
As ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blares out into the casino, the fans on the floor go absolutely wild. Their cheers barely drown out the sound of slot machines bleeping and paying out, but that’s exactly what you’d expect from this Las Vegas Strip Casino.
Our cameras pan carefully around the room, where a wrestling ring sits in the middle of a small barriered off area, leading to a curtain that heads backstage.
At Ringside, two men sit ready to welcome us to the show.
These men are Arnie Ventura and Tommy Gunn.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Roll Up Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. It’s Saturday Night and time for the 1982 Wrestling Classic! I’m Arnie Venture and alongside me is Tommy Gunn.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “You could at least sound excited about it, Arnie. This is the biggest show of the year and we have a crowd as big as your fuckin’ bald spot.”
Arnie looks at him, to which he stammers back to a point.
[Tommy Gunn]: “Uh, what I mean is… there’s no night on the calendar quite like this.”
The Hammer takes a swig of whisky from his flask, curling up his lip as he finishes.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “In the Main Event tonight, the Undefeated Dante Wallace puts his title on the line against the man that has been chasing him as fast as he can… ‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “He might be chasing, but Dante is waddling and Lane has been struggling to keep up.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “He’s been quite literally flattening the competition, folks. Lane is the next in a long line of challengers that ‘The Hungry Man’ has devoured.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “But before we get there, we’ve got word that our backstage interviewer is standing by with Billy Walters. Over to you, dickhead.”
Just then, into frame struts ‘Wonderboy’ Billy Walters. Immediately you can tell the interviewer bcomes nervous, readying himself with a microphone.
His name? Errol Flint.
[Errol Flint]: “I’m standing backstage with ‘Wonderboy’ Billy Walters who tonight puts his entire career on the line, if not more, against TerrorVision. No-one has quite seen a monster like Terror in this business and he’s made your life miserable for many months. How do you plan to defeat him?”
The Wonderboy looks at him with disgust.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Are you kidding me? My God, is it any surprise that no-one around here likes or respects you, kid? What are you, thirty?”
[Errol Flint]: “I’m thirty-three, yes.”
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “And this is how you choose to provide for your family? Look son, I’ve been wrestling men and monsters since you were suckling at your mothers teet. WOOOO! I’m still doing it now, stylin’ all the way to the bank, whilst you’re doing the job of a woman. Are you wearing panties, kid? You ought to be. I’m The Wonderboy and there’s nothing I can’t do when I step inside those ropes.”
[Errol Flint]: “But the last time you faced TerrorVision, he destroyed you.”
That immediately gets the ire of Walters, who grabs Flint by the scruff of the neck.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Destroyed me? Do I look destroyed to you, Flint?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “How dare he talk to Billy Walters like that. I told you Arnie, this guy is a dickhead.”
He tosses him backwards as hard as he can, watching as he falls over.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Tonight, I’m done playing games. TerrorVision, you’ve been at my throat since we met and it’s about time I changed the channel. ”
Billy is about to walk off, but first stops to look down at Flint who’s scrambling on the floor in fear.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Get a real job, kid.”
He then smirks and whips his penis out.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Piss off.”
We quickly span away to behind him, watching as he covers poor Errol Flint in urine.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “The Wonderboy is fired up tonight! TerrorVision may have a fight on his hands and it’s one that I personally have wanted to see for quite some time.”
Walters takes his leave and we return to both The Chief and Sigil.
“What was that?” Sigil queries.
“You don’t know the history of Old School Wrestling, do you?” The Chief posits with a scoff. “Errol Flint started Old School Wrestling at the age of sixty-six but before that, he worked as an interviewer here at Roll Up.”
The Collector folds his arms.
“I don’t understand the relevance,” he complains.
The Chief smiles.
A crudely hung banner heralding the “Master of Jim Jitsu!” creates a backdrop. Jim Jitsu stands in front of it, in his customary white gi, flanked by two men in black, heads bowed and fists clasped together.
The Master lifts his head and smiles at the camera lens.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “The path to becoming a master of the sacred style of Jim Jitsu comes through hard work and, of course, one small payment.”
He breaks his pose, moving into a fighting stance.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “It’s as easy as.”
All three men punch forward in unison.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “One!”
A second step and a second punch.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “Two!”
The trio kick forward with straight kicks that come an inch in front of the camera – dramatic effect.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “Three!”
[‘The Lethal Weapon’ Tex America]: “Tex America can count too! I once counted to infinity… twice!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “No! Not this guy! I can’t believe anyone likes this idiot!”
A figure bursts onto the scene, interrupting the video much to Jim Jitsu’s displeasure.
“Cut!” The film crew for Jim Jitsu’s new VHS scramble and Jim faces Tex America.
[‘The Master Of’ Jim Jitsu]: “You ruined my shot. That was our fifth take and we had it perfect!”
[‘The Lethal Weapon’ Tex America]: “Tex America only needs one take. Because Tex America doesn’t mess up, he messes you up.”
Jim Jitsu adopts a fighting stance, calling for the camera to roll. But Tex America is more interested in verbal jousting.
[‘The Lethal Weapon’ Tex America]: “Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors… What beats all three?”
Jim Jitsu looks confused at the question, but Tex is happy to fill in the answer to his own riddle.
[‘The Lethal Weapon’ Tex America]: “Tex America.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “That doesn’t even make sense, the buffoon!.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “He’s Tex America, Tommy; he always makes sense.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “What?”
Jim Jitsu still looks perplexed as Tex tips his hat and exits, stage left.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “I’ve been looking forward to this one, folks. This is the Chuck Norris Invitational!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “And there’s the man himself, stood by the trophy in the middle of the ring.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Tex America and Jim Jitsu stand in their respective corners, knowing that they’re just moments away from that trophy.”
Inside the ring, Chuck Norris gives both competitors a firm nod before heading to the outside. He’s going to watch this one from ringside.
The bell sounds and both men begin circling one another.
Tex strikes first, nailing a jab, followed by another, but Jitsu quickly focuses himself into a crouch, ducking the blow.
America jumps it!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Ohh a cagey start. Look at Norris, he hasn’t even smiled.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “You just know he wants in there.”
Both men lock up, Jitsu nailing a Judo throw that tosses Tex over onto the canvas. His moustache shakes with the ferocity.
Jim rushes forward, leaping a Leg Sweep attempt by the spinning America.
Tex kicks out, nailing him RIGHT UNDER THE JAW with a Superkick.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Cover him!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “One…. Two…”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: Kickout! Jitsu kicks out!”
America gets back to his feet and grabs Jim, pulling him back up too.
Knees to the mid-section.
Jim though blocks every single one.
He pushes Tex backwards.
JIM JITSU THROW!
BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX!
America bounces off the canvas and gets back to his feet, wobbling.
JIM JITSU CHOP!
CHOP TO THE HEAD!
AMERICA DUCKS IT!
BODY BLOW! PALM STRIKE! ELBOW STRIKE! THROAT CHOP! ELBOW BODY STRIKE!
IT’S NEVER ENDING!
KNEE TO THE BODY…
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “That felt like it happened in slow motion.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Try writing it, Arn!”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “What?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Uh, I mean.. I write the Roll Up Newsletter.. yeah…”
America looks towards Norris who gives him a nod and tells him to finish it.
Jitsu gets back to his feet after the never ending combo…
THE FOOT OF TEXAS!
RUNNING BICYCLE KICK!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “That’s it! No-one has ever kicked out of that!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “We have a Chuck Norris Invitational Winner!”
Tex America wins! The Lethal Weapon is Chuck Norris Invitational Champion!
Chuck enters the ring with the trophy, waiting for Tex to get back to his feet.
They share a nod.
CHUCK NORRIS LAMPS TEX AMERICA WITH THE TROPHY!
OH MY FUCKING GOD!
CHUCK JUST… HE JUST NAILED HIM!
THE TROPHY HAS BROKEN IN HALF!
Norris bends over, grimacing.
“There’s only one Lethal Weapon and that’s me. When God said Let there be light, I said say please.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “I can’t believe it! Did Chuck Norris just knock out Tex America?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “That’s not Chuck Norris, that’s GOD!”
We join “Superstar” Ziggy Solo as he’s strutting through the casino, strumming an acoustic guitar.
[‘#’1 Anchor’ Chef Getchum]: “Hey Ziggy”
Comes a call off camera.
[‘#’1 Anchor’ Chef Getchum]: “I’ve been trying to find you all evening…”
It’s Chef Getchum.
[‘Superstar’ Ziggy Solo]: “If it’s a fight you’re after, Getchum..”
Ziggy warns, throwing up his dukes.
[‘#’1 Anchor’ Chef Getchum]: “No, I want an interview. Think about it, world exclusive: Channel 4’s most popular anchorman interviews America’s greatest rock star.”
[‘Superstar’ Ziggy Solo]: “The only scoop you’re getting tonight, Getchum, is an exclusive ass-whopping from the Superstar”.
[‘#’1 Anchor’ Chef Getchum]: “Easy there, Zig-Zag. I’m not looking for a confrontation. I tell you what, if you give me an interview for Channel 4 now, I’ll join forces with you later to take Tyson down. Wha’ da’ ya’ say?”
[‘Superstar’ Ziggy Solo]: “A duet?”
[‘Superstar’ Ziggy Solo]: “I’m not really down with the novelty acts, hurts the credibility, but tonight I could make an exception.”
Ziggy and Chef are interrupted by belly laughing off-screen. In steps “Indestructible” Tyson Evans, rollocking.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Business is about to pick up.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Ugh, this guy? I need paracetemol by the time he’s finished shouting.”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “HOLD ON, LIE DOWN SO I CAN RECOGNIZE YOU!!!”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “I’VE GOT A WORLDWIDE EXCLUSIVE FOR YOU, NEWSMAN…”
Tyson continues before yanking Getchum’s microphone out of his hand and snapping it in half.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “THEY CALL THAT A FORETELLING!”
Tyson quips with another hearty laugh. Chef frowns.
[‘Superstar’ Ziggy Solo]: “That’s not cool man, that ain’t rock n ro-”
But Ziggy doesn’t finish his sentence because Tyson rips away his guitar and slams it over Superstar’s head.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “I HATE ROCK N ROLL!!!”
Ziggy is sparked out. Getchum gulps as Tyson leaves.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “These three square off later tonight and poor Ziggy just got his bell rung.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “And poor Chef needs a new microphone. Maybe we can have a whip round?”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “That’s right.”
The sounds of revving engines fill the air as cameras catch what appears to be a high speed chase heading towards the arena!
A leopard print corvette speeds towards the garage entrance with a beat up old pick up truck close behind! And hanging out of the passenger side window with a pitchfork in hand? The Trailer Park Princess!
[‘Trailer Park Princess’ Muffy]: “YOU GOT-DAMN COUSIN STEALERS! HIT THE GAS JOEY!”
The corvette easily begins to outrun the truck, skidding into the parking garage and coming to an abrupt stop in front of the pillars. The doors, blaring dance music as Dick Fury and Dr. Drive both topple out of either side!
Dick wipes a white substance from his nose as he gets to his feet, looking Drive who shouts.
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “I told you they were waiting for us!”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Dick Fury doesn’t have an off switch! It’s not my fault that his wife-”
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “Daughter.”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “… Wait, was it his cousin?”
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “Maybe all three?”
In their banter, and Dick Fury’s own drug fueled haze, they seemed to have forgotten about the truck speeding their way! Dr. Drive pulls dick out of the way as Joe and Muffy crash into the corvette and slam it into the wall!
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “My car!”
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “Did you have insurance?”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “The fuck is insurance?”
Dick looks to Drive in confusion before the Good Doctor drags him away, telling him to book it as Muffy and Joe get out of their truck!
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “Damn it, Muffy, theys gettin’ away!”
[‘Trailer Park Princess’ Muffy]: “Let’s gettem, paw!”
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “I thought we was cousins?”
Outside the Roll Up casino.
With the interviewer desperately trying to keep the microphone near his face, ‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury stares deep into the camera.
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Like Dick Fury said earlier this w-”
Suddenly, cutting Fury off in mid thrust, comes a handle from off screen, knocking him down to the floor. Cotton Eye Joe steps into view, smiling as a heavy looking rake hits the floor. Behind him, Muffy steps out of her travel trailer, joining in the beatdown.
A smirk on Fury’s face seems to push the pair to inflict more hurt, before they are interrupted by a shrill whistle.
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “Hey guys!”
It’s Dr. Drive, stood next to Joe’s tractor. And jangling between his finger and thumb are the keys! Joe is livid, checking the chain he usually keeps them on to find them missing.
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “The ladies have always said Dick is good with his hands, Joe, and Dick ain’t about to let them down tonight.”
Dick stole the keys! The smirk he had widens into a full blown grin, Joe and Muffy race over towards the tractor, but it’s too late, Dr. Drive starts the ignition and drives towards them. They scatter, and Dr. Drive uses the gap to plow the tractor straight into the side of the trailer! Muffy is nearly pulling her hair out with rage.
Dr. Drive hops out of the tractor, checking on Fury.
[‘The Fitness Fiend’ Dr. Drive]: “Are you okay?”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Even trailer trash like that could never keep this Dick down, good doctor!”
The bell sounds as all four competitors rush at one another in the ring, exchanging hard lefts and rights that Park Life get the better of as both Muffy and Cotton Eye wind up hard
DOUBLE WINDMILL UPPERCUTS!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Park Life going wild here, taking it out on the two men who’ve been hounding them for months as the referee finally gets some order here. Cotton Eye Joe and Dr Drive starting us properly off here”
Cotton Eye continues to be a house on fire as he delivers a few stiff rights and lefts to the fitness fiend who stumbles a bit before beginning to slip and slide through Joe’s shots
[Tommy Gunn]: “The Doctor feeling alive here, ol’ Cotton Eye doesn’t know where to go to keep up this offense but you can’t win a match if you just dip and dive everywhere, even ol’ Arn had more offense then that”
Dr Drive leaps up, trying for a headscissors but Cotton Eye catches him, throwing him off before trying for that big ass Headbutt. Drive manages to split underneath, rolling backwards as he tags in Dick Fury
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “And in comes Tommy’s favorite wrestler, the swinging Dick Fury and he’s already up to his old shenanigans with that humiliating eye rake
[Tommy Gunn]: “Call it like it is Arn, he just delivered the Money Shot all over Cotton Eye’s face and just like any good old American man, Cotton Eye don’t want no spunk from another man”
Cotton Eye is furious, unloading on Fury with hard lefts and rights, backing him into a neutral corner as he pounds him down into the floor, the referee trying to pull Cotton Eye away, distracting him
SLY KICK TO THE BALLS FROM DICK!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Cheap shot by Dick Fury here as we have a rollup….oh that is just obscene”
Fury rolls Cotton Eye up into a schoolboy, stopping down as it looks like he’s fucking Joe in the piledriver position
TW…COTTON EYE KICKS OUT IN A FURY!
Joe gets up in a fury but gets a paint brush slap to the jaw before Dick rushes to the ropes, bouncing off the ropes before dropping down with a throat thrust that stuns Cotton Eye before he’s whipped into the ropes
[Tommy Gunn]: “Here it comes Arn, all aboard the BUKKAKE TRAIN, NEXT STOP DICK CITY!”
Cotton Eye gets his lights taken out by that huge Big Boot as he stumbles out of the corner, but he doesn’t fall to the mat, stumbling into his corner instead as Muffy tags herself in.
She leaps forward, taking Dick by surprise with a leaping tackle, rolling through as she tries for a running dropkick that Fury dodges, grabbing her in mid-air and slamming Muffy down with a massive spinebuster.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “That could well be it here…oh this is just ridiculous here, just pin the poor girl already”
Muffy is trying to get to her feet as Dick just plants one hand on her back while thrusting forward rhythmically back and forth.
[Tommy Gunn]: “Come on this is brilliant Arn, it’s all just a bit of fun is all. Good old big dick psychology here”
Muffy is furious as she tries to buck Dick off her, rearing back with a foot as she manages to kick him right in the balls. Fury stumbles over his feet, cradling his junk in his hands. Muffy seeing her opportunity, climbing quickly up to the top rope
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: ‘OPEN MOUTH! That Axe handle smash hits hard but Muffy ain’t done as she looks for the finishing blow. Will Muffy steal your cousin here?”
[Tommy Gunn]:: “Only if I can watch the aftermath.”
Muffy heads up top once more, sizing up the prone Dick Fury for a moment before leaping off
STEAL YOUR…DICK IS ON HIS FEET AS HE GRABS MUFFY IN MID-AIR
[Tommy Gunn]: “Dick’s got the Princess there, The Atomic 69 as he drives all the air out of that Trailer Park Box”
Dick Fury plants Muffy with that big Tombstone Piledriver, Muffy is out cold as he drops down into a very suggestive pinfall as the referee counts
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Parents put your kids to bed as this match just turned very adult orientated with that borderline criminal pinfall”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Criminal or not Arn, it got the job done as Driving Dick Dangerously are still the tag team champions”
Private – Off Camera
The Roll Up Casino’s main office overlooks the casino floor and it’s where The House’s representative takes charge of proceedings.
He stands at the glass window, looking out over the floor.
[The House]: “Millions of dollars; that’s how much we’re making our there tonight. 1982 has been our most successful year.”
House turns to face Flint, who’s now sat in a chair.
[Errol Flint]: “I know, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m miserable.”
[The House]: “You signed a ten year contract with us, Errol. That’s not something The House takes lightly.”
Flint stands up, hands on his hips.
[Errol Flint]: “Then sue me. I’m finished being the whipping boy for your roster, House. Every single week of my life I come to this rotten cesspit and it’s breaking my soul. I just can’t stand being kicked from pillar to post every single week by your roster.”
[The House]: “That isn’t how it works.”
House nods to the door in which Sergei Kolorov now stands guarding. Flint gulps, backing away.
[The House]: “You owe us money and when you signed the contract, you made a deal to give that back over a period of ten years. You said you wanted to be a promotor, didn’t you?”
Errol reluctantly nods.
[The House]: “Then take a seat. There’s only two ways out of this contract – you either complete the ten years, or Sergei takes you out back and…”
[‘The Iron Fist’ Sergei Kolorov]: “Sergei crush you puny neck.”
Flint takes a seat.
We pan backwards to see Sigil and The Chief watching once again from inside the room.
“He’s trapped here?” Sigil says, crossing his arms.
The Chief nods.
“We’re getting closer to what I want to show you, but you need to see it all. You need to see exactly what happens next,” he announces. “It isn’t for the feint of heart.”
Tyson Evans has his back turned to the camera. He starts shaking uncontrollably, sweat glistening off of his body.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “I’M SIX FEET, EIGHT INCHES!”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “TWO HUNDRED NINETY FIVE POUNDS OF WALKING, TALKING HAVOC AND ANNIHILATION!”
He snaps his head around, veins protruding from his head and neck.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “TONIGHT, AT THE WRESTLING CLASSIC TYSON EVANS IS GOING TO DESTROY ZIGGLY SOLO AND CHEF GETCHUM!”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “MY OPENING ACT WILL BE MY FISTS.. PAIN! AND SUFFERING! SMASHING YOUR TEETH DOWN YOUR THROATS!”
Evans grabs his long, wavy locks of hair. Pulling back at his majestic mullet.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “NEXT, A DUET OF MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS AND MY ELBOW ACROSS YOUR SKULL!”
Tyson Evans pauses and his eyes begin to wander. He leans in as if to hear something and puts his hand up to his ear.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “WAIT… WE’VE GOT SOME BREAKING NEWS, THIS JUST IN! THERE’S A 100% CHANCE OF DOMINATION!”
He starts to grin sadistically and rubs his hands together.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “SOLO! GETCHEM! BRACE YOURSELVES! BECAUSE I EAT LITTLE FAIRIES LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST!”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “WHEN THE BELL RINGS IT WILL BE COMPELTE AND UTTER….”
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “DESTRUUUUUCCCCTIOOOONNNN!!!”
Tyson starts banging his head on the TWC logo and viciously tears the set apart. Blood flows freely from his forehead onto his chest. He wipes his forehead and stares at his hand, slowly licking his own blood.
[‘Indestructible’ Tyson Evans]: “Destruuuuucccctioooonnnn.”
A clash of styles and careers culminates at the Classic, as the Roll Up Casino gears up for a Three Way Dance between Ziggy Solo, Tyson Evans, and Chef Getchum!
Ziggy starts things off with a bit of showboating for the crowd, much to the anger of Tyson…who charges the Superstar right away with a big shoulder tackle, sending him straight into the corner!
He immediately goes to work on Solo, stomping the midsection repeatedly as Getchum recognizes the need to wait for his big break.
Solo dodges a corner splash by Tyson, before proving him to be a little less than Indestructible with a flurry of offense that keeps the former bodybuilder on his toes…
…which proves to be the opening Chef needs as he catches Solo from behind with a beautiful back to belly suplex, sending Solo down hard onto the canvas!
Getchum now has a chance to show off his technical prowess, wrenching the arm of the Superstar as he looks to force Solo onto his shoulders for the pinfall…only for Tyson to slam himself hard on both men to stop the attempt!
Evans picks Getchum up now, beating down News Anchor #1 with heavy forearms and following up with an Irish whip that sees Tyson drop the anchor on Chef with a massive big boot!
Evans gloats just a little before setting the boot on Chef’s chest for the cover!
Ziggy crashes in at the last second, breaking up the count! This only angers Evans, who goes on the attack with some hard elbows on the rock star before dropping him with a sidewalk slam!
Evans is standing tall here, continuing his assault on Solo until Getchum gets in on the action, but to no avail as the former bounty sends the anchor flying out of the ring with a clothesline over the top rope!
Tyson focuses his attention back to Solo, picking him up to wear the Superstar down…but Ziggy blocks a chokeslam attempt, sending the big man reeling before connecting with a short arm clothesline!
ROCKIN’ RIFF, BABY!
Ziggy is a house on fire as he makes the cover!
THREE–NO! TYSON KICKS OUT WITH AUTHORITY!
Ziggy is caught off guard as Tyson gets back to his feet, charging at the rock star with everything he’s got…but Ziggy gets to the top rope, pulling it down to send the Indestructible one to the outside!
Getchum slides in, looking to take advantage…but Ziggy catches him first!
Ziggy connects with that slam and splash combo before the cover!
Ziggy impresses the crowd with an amazing win tonight, following up with a little ditty for the fans as a bonus!
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “Look what I found in Jack Russel’s room!”
JGM shows the ball of fur to the plush in the dog house.
It’s a giant dog head attachment for a costume.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “I always knew this guy was a furry. He has quite the collection! What a fucking liar.”
JGL puts the furry costume on his head and imitates a dog barking.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “Okay no, this feels weird.”
JGM takes the costume off and approaches the dog house. Martel takes the plush out of the dog house and places it in the middle of the room.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “What’s nice about dogs like you is that I can teach you tricks. You can sit, you can fetch and you can spin on command.”
He gets up and snaps his fingers.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “Sit, Jack!”
Martel waits but the plush doesn’t budge.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “That won’t do it.”
He takes the plush and carefully places it on top of the dog house.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “Let’s try my favorite trick instead…”
JGM takes his swing and performs his signature leg drop, the Force Majeure, on the poor plush Jack Russell, demolishing the dog house in the process.
[‘Capitaine Quebec’ Jean-Guy Martel]: “Play dead.”
Excited consumers gather inside an electronics store, where the manager touts the features of a home theatre system.
[Store Manager]: “Joining me in announcing the winner of this grand-prize, is none other than Terrorvision!”
The crowd cheers and applauds, faltering when The Scream Machine emerges from the back.
[Store Manager]: “You’ve seen the flyers! Terrorvision is in town for The Wrestling Classic ‘82, at the Roll Up Casino, where he’s looking to retire Wonderboy Billy Walters!”
The Lord of Contrast takes centre-stage, observing his reflection in the television screen.
[‘The Scream Machine’ Terrorvision]: “Whoever wins this set can relive their favourites in new dimensions. Why watch reruns, though, when you could experience something new?”
He faces the customers.
[‘The Scream Machine’ Terrorvision]: “Billy Walters thinks he’s the godfather, and lives life as though heaven can wait. This Saturday, though, it will be apocalypse now when Wonderboy feels the sting from this towering inferno!”
Behind him, the housing of one of the speakers pops open—
Platinum locks bob into view, as Wonderboy himself climbs out; it was hollow!
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “If ya ask me, shmuck, it’ll be more like The Rocky Horror Picture Show!”
Terrorvision spins round—
The Scream Machine doubles over…
WONDERBOY TOSSES TERRORVISION THROUGH THE TELEVISION!
GLASS SHATTERS; SPARKS SHOOT OUT!
Billy Walters stands over an incapacitated Terrorvision. He looks at the horrified spectators.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Wonderboy is primetime, baby. I’m winnin’ every demo, and there ain’t nobody takin’ me off the air!”
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Watch The Wrestling Classic if you dare.”
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Terrorvision: survive if I let you, putz—”
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “WOOOOOOO!”
The Terrier stands ready in his corner, staring down Martel with a sense of conviction in his eyes! Meanwhile Capitaine Quebec merely sneers at the US champ!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “There’s real animosity between these two, Tommy. Jean-Guy Martel has been a thorn in Jack’s side since he got here.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “And I wish he’d just put this dog down. If I have to see Terrier flaunting that belt any longer I’ll puke.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Is that so?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “It is.”
The match is off and both men close in on one another going for a classic collar and elbow tie up! Jack Russel gets the upper hand with his amateur background and quickly plants Martel with a massive belly-to-belly suplex! Jack follows through and lays into him with a ground and pound!
Martel can’t defend against the seasoned grappler! The Terrier heaves him up and whips him into the turnbuckle before rushing in!
AND RIGHT INTO A BIG BOOT! COUP DE GRACE BY MARTEL FLOORS THE TERRIER!
Jean-Guy looks down at Jack Russel and curls his lip before moving outside of the ring and grabbing a ladder from ringside! He hurls it inside and slides in after! Jack is getting to his feet-
BUT A PUNT TO THE GUT KEEPS HIM DOWN ON THE GROUND!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Kicking a man while he’s down. Martel is as cowardly as they come!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “It’s called being opportunistic, Arnie. If you knew anything about it you’d be known for your wrestling instead of your announcing!”
Capitaine Quebec laughs at Jack before setting the ladder up in the middle of the ring and beginning his ascent! He gets to the top and laughs at the booing crowd as he reaches for the belt!
JACK RUSSEL HAS SCALED THE LADDER! HE YANKS MARTEL TO THE GROUND!
Both men land on their feet but Jack grabs Jean-Guy and flings him across the ring with a German Suplex! Martel rolls to his feet and stumbles into the corner!
LEADING RIGHT INTO A MASSIVE CLOTHESLINE BY THE TERRIER THAT ROCKS HIM! JACK WHIPS MARTEL INTO THE LADDER!
[Tommy Gunn]: “Of course Jack has to start using the ladder as a weapon! And aiming for the face too! Does this dog have no shame?”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “It’s called opportunity, Tommy. Maybe you’ve heard of it?”
Martel’s head bounces off of the metal to the cheer of the crowd as he hits the ground and holds his face! Jack rushes to the ladder and begins to climb as the crowd cheers him on! But just as he’s half way up Jean-Guy is to his feet!
AND HE HITS A LOWBLOW ON JACK! MARTEL JUST NEUTERED THE TERRIER!
Russel falls from the ladder and slams into the mat with a thud! Martel looks at him, then back to the title before a devious grin spreads on his face! Jack fights to his knees, looking up at The Amazing French-Canadian-
WHO SPITS ON HIS FACE! JEAN-GUY JUST SPIT IN THE TERRIER’S FACE!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Insult to injury, Martel doesn’t know a damn thing about sportsmanship!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Ha! He’s asserting dominance over Jack, Arnie. If you care so much you should help Jack buy a cone so he doesn’t lick the wound.”
Massive boot to the jaw of Jack sends him sprawling and just as he’s beginning to get to his feet Martel is on him! Gut wrench powerbomb! Jean-Guy showing off his power as he flings Russel right down into the mat!
Martel peels him up and knees him in the jaw to a chorus of boos, drinking in the hatred of the American audience!
SHOULDER CHARGE! JACK SHOULDER CHARGED TO HIS FEET AND CARRIED MARTEL WITH! BOTH MEN SLAM INTO THE GROUND AS HE DROPS JEAN-GUY WITH A RING SHAKING SPINEBUSTER!
Anger just pours out of Jack as he swings on Martel with everything he’s got! Lefts and rights rain down one after the other until he ends off with a headbutt that knocks both men silly!
Russel rolls to his feet and Martel rolls outside! The Terrier looks up at the belt and tries to find the strength to climb! He gets a foot on the rung-
AND A CHAIRSHOT BY MARTEL GROUNDS HIM! MARTEL GRABBED A CHAIR!
Jean-Guy scoffs at his opponent as he begins to climb! He has it!
But then the chants begin.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Jack is just refusing to stay down! This is a man who respects his country and loves his belt. I don’t think anything can stop him from fighting if you tried.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Anything unless it’s a chew toy. He’s getting up but it’s already too late, This Amazing French-Candian has the gold in his hands!”
Jack Russel fights to his feet! He climbs the ladder and elbows Martel! Both men fight over the belt! Hands are yanking at it from both directions!
HEADBUTT FROM THE TERRIER! MARTEL IS STUNNED!
Russel grabs the belt with one hand, he grabs Martel’s head with the other!
ELBOW FROM MARTEL! THE TERRIER IS STUNNED!
Jean-Guy grabs hold of Russel! No! He can’t!
FORCE MAJURE FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER! BACKBREAKER FROM UP HIGH!
Russel is out! He can’t get up and Martel climbs the ladder again! The crowd is booing with all their might but Jack is comatose on the mat!
Capitaine Quebec grabs the belt! Martel has won the title!
The Amazing French-Canadian shows his superiority tonight as he dethrones Jack Russel, claiming the US Title!
[‘The Iron Eagle’ Bull Hazard]: “Where am I?! Get me out of here!”
Someone turns on the lights.
[‘His Royal Highness’ King Henry]: “Americans, always dramatic. They’ll fight a war over something like taxes.”
It’s King Henry! The Great Sheik and Sergei Kolorov are with him.
[‘The Iron Eagle’ Bull Hazard]: “What do you want with me?”
Sergei begins to speak.
[‘The Iron Fist’ Sergei Kolorov]: “Funny you ask, the country you see as good guy has taken something from all of us.”
[‘His Royal Highness’ King Henry]: “The land we fought for you to have.”
[‘The Ayahtolla’ The Great Sheik]: “Our oil.”
[‘The Iron Fist’ Sergei Kolorov]: “Our rightful place as a world leader.”
[‘The Iron Eagle’ Bull Hazard]: “You think you’re the best country in the world because you won two world wars. Yeah, you won and the world has turned to shit!”
[‘The Iron Fist’ Sergei Kolorov]:“Now, we take something from you.”
King Henry grabs an American Flag.
[‘His Royal Highness’ King Henry]: “This look familiar?”
The Sheik douses it in gasoline.
[‘The Ayahtolla’ The Great Sheik]: “How do you say it? Freedom of speech?”
Sergei tosses a match on it and it goes up in flames!
[‘His Royal Highness’ King Henry]: “There it goes, the flag you fight for! Have fun trying to grab what’s left of it!”
The flag is reduced to ash as Bull is ready to bust out of the ropes!
Red Hook from Sergei as Bull is knocked out cold!
They cut his ropes loose to free him from the chair and exit the room.
[‘The Iron Fist’ Sergei Kolorov]: “Why did we let him go?”
[‘The Ayahtolla’ The Great Sheik]: “So you can do that again Sergei.”
Outside The Roll Up, in an Alley.
Private – Off Camera.
Errol Flint sits slumped against the floor, banging his head against a chain-link fence. He’s distraught. All he wants to do is quit this God forsaken company and go home.
He pulls a picture of his wife from his pocket and looks at it carefully, caressing it with his index finger.
“I love you,” he says, placing the photo carefully back into his pocket.
Suddenly, he snatches a pill bottle from the floor and begins ramming them down his throat with a bottle of whisky chaser.
We pan back to see The Chief and Sigil watching.
“What the hell is he doing?” Sigil demands to know.
The Chief sighs.
“He’s ending his life,” he replies solemnly. “On this day in 1982, Errol Flint committed suicide.”
The Collector walks over to where Flint lays, watching as he convulses and passes out, foaming at the mouth. He doesn’t know what to do, so he looks back to The Chief.
“This was always fated to happen, Sigil. Errol owed the wrong people a lot of money and couldn’t handle his obligations to repay. It all became too much for him.”
Sigil doesn’t understand.
“But wait, how’s this possible?” He asks in confusion. “Errol Flint started Old School Wrestling.”
The Chief nods.
“Look up,” he says looking upwards himself.
A white light brightly begins to envelop the scene.
All four flags sit connected upon poles, one in each corner. The United States Flag is burnt beyond repair and the fans are letting the world know how disrespectful that is.
“USA! USA! USA!”
The fans soon start duelling those chants.
“BULL! BULL! BULL!”
It’s clear where their loyalty lies here tonight.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Listen to the sound of that. Doesn’t it make you feel patriotic?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “God Bless America, Arn!”
The bell sounds and everyone rushes towards Bull, only the Drill Sergeant is quick to fire off ELBOWS to their skulls that send them stumbling backwards.
He quickly rushes towards King Henry and leaps into a Lou Thezs Press, mounting the King with right and left hands.
The Great Sheik stumbles towards his corner, trying to be crafty and climb for his flag.
Only Kolorov is there, pulling him off the middle turnbuckle.
CHOKESLAM! THE BIG RUSSIAN DRIVES HIM INTO THE CANVAS.
Sergei spits on him, turning around to see Hazard with a Clothesline – bringing rapturous applause from the crowd.
He looks towards his dishevelled flag and begins making the climb. He only gets to the middle turnbuckle before a double forearm hits his back.
It’s King Henry.
The King climbs up with him..
BACKDROP FROM THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE!
Kolorov is back to his feet, as is The Great Sheik who storms at him with a Shoulder Barge – only to the two Beefcakes bounce off one another. They each take to a rope and come storming back to meet in the middle.
AND NEITHER MAN BUDGES!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “It’s like two semi-trucks just collided in the middle of the ring!”
One more time!
They storm off into the ropes, only KING HENRY DIVES IN WITH A CHOP BLOCK TO THE LEG OF KOLOROV!
The Great Sheik laughs, but here’s BULL!
SHEIK PUSHES OUT.
THE GREAT KICK!
DROPKICK TO THE KNEE OF HAZARD!
He gets back to his feet to see Henry delivering right hands to Sergei, who’s down on one knee. With that in mind, Sheik heads to his corner. He starts climbing, reaching for the flag, only Henry is quickly in from behind.
The King joins him on the middle rope and they begin trading elbows, each trying to knock one another off.
BUT HERE COMES SERGEI!
SERGEI FROM BEHIND…
HE COMES UNDERNEATH…
DOUBLE POWERBOMB! DOUBLE POWERBOMB TO KING HENRY AND THE GREAT SHEIK!!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “The power of the Russian!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “My Lord, how the hell did he manage that?”
He falls flat on his face immediately after, having exerted all of his energy,
Bull Hazard is carefully back to his feet, looking towards his flag. The fans are behind him as he rushes to his corner as quickly as he can. He climbs, reaching up to the grab the pole.
HAZARD HAS IT!
HE HAS THE POLE!
ALL HE HAS TO DO IS CONNECT IT AND DROP DOWN!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “GOD BLESS AMERICA! BULL HAZARD HAS…. HE’S….”
[Tommy Gunn]: “BUT WAIT, HERE COMES THE REST! IRAN, ENGLAND AND RUSSIAN ARE COMBINING TO MAKE A SUPERPOWER!”
But here comes The Great Sheik, Sergei Kolorov and King Henry! All three of them surround him, just like earlier tonight. Sergei grabs him from behind. The Great Sheik has a handful too. Meanwhile, Henry has climbed the outer turnbuckle.
Right hands fly towards his face, but he blocks Henry and drives forward with a Headbutt!
KING HENRY FALLS TO THE OUTSIDE! HOLY CRAP!
Sergei and Sheik though pull him away and DOUBLE SPINEBUSTER!
SPINE ON THE PINE!
BULL HAZARD IS DOWN!
The Great Sheik immediately turns to Sergei..
DOUBLE HANDED CHOKESLAM!!
THE GREAT SLAM!
HE NAILED IT!
The Sheik is gonna do it!
He storms over to his corner, climbing the turnbuckle.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “No! Not like this… think of the children.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Somebody… please… ”
Iran is going to win the Flag match!
KING HENRY IS SOMEHOW BACK IN THE RING! He trundles over to Sheik, scooping him into the Powerbomb Position!
SHEIK STUMBLES OUT WITH THE IMPACT!
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!
King Henry nails him! He walks towards his corner, but Sergei grabs him by the feet! He pulls himself back up, and Henry pulls him into the DDT position!
Kolorov spins out.
MONSTROUS RIGHT HOOK!
The King is stumbling…
Sergei scoops him up..
ORANGE CRUSH POWERBOMB!!
THE POWERFUL RUSSIAN HAS PUT HIMSELF INTO POLE POSITION TO WIN THIS ENTIRE THING!
WHAT HE DOESN’T SEE IS BULL HAZARD!!
OHHHHH BOOORRRRNN IN THE USA!!
THE FANS ARE ROARING!
Bull points to the flag.
He marches across the ring, only to be stopped by The Great Sheik before he makes his corner.
HAZARD DROPS TO HIS KNEES!
THE GREAT SHEIK MOUNTS HIM FROM BEHIND.
THE CAMEL CLUTCH!
THE GREAT HOLD!
HAZARD SCREAMS IN AGONY! HE TAPS! HE TAPS! BUT THERE’S NO SUBMISSIONS TONIGHT.
The Ayahtolla viciously slams him down to the mat once finished and walks over to Sergei Kolorov!
THE GREAT HOLD TO SERGEI!
HE’S SQUEEZING UNTIL THE RUSSIAN GOES RED IN THE FACE!
THEN HE SLAMS HIM DOWN!
Finally, he walks over to King Henry.
THE GREAT HOLD TO KING HENRY!
THE GREAT SHEIK IS CHOKING EVERYONE OUT! HOLY CRAP!
When finished, he dusts his hands off and heads to the corner, climbing the turnbuckle and reaching his flag!
The Great Sheik wins it for Iran! What a match!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “America mourns. We all mourn. Iran has somehow won this flag match.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “This is BULLshit. Hazard must demand a recount. Someone complain to the officials. Someone demand that THE USA are deemed winners. This isn’t good enough!”
They’re drinking champagne and having a good time.
Suddenly the lights begin to flicker, emitting a faint buzzing sound and interrupting their fun momentarily.
Waters shakes his head.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Excuse me one itty-bitty moment ladies.”
he says apologetically.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “Just gonna drop-a-screen down to the front desk and find out what the big deal is.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “This is somewhat ominious. Billy ought to be careful.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “The Wonderboy is gearing up to take care of some business, Arnie. I wonder if we can watch?”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “You pervert.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “I’m just saying – if he had a sex tape, I’d watch it.”
As he makes his way across the room the flickering becomes more violent, until all of a sudden;
The bulbs shatter, stopping Waters in his tracks and triggering the girls to scream.
One by one the bright lights which illuminate the Las Vegas skyline die.
The entire power in the city is out.
The television set in the corner of the room switches itself on.
[‘The Wonderboy’ Billy Walters]: “What the…”
Waters looks utterly bemused as a video recording begins to roll.
[‘The Scream Machine’ Terrorvision]: “History is a palimpsest and can only be read as such”, a distorted voice bellows. “The scriptures of your impending doom have already been written.”
The Wonderboy’s eyes widen at what he witnesses on screen. It’s him, many years from now; an old man – fragile and alone – surrounded by photographs of him in his current state.
In his pomp.
[‘The Scream Machine’ Terrorvision]: “Today marks a landmark in the career of William Waters. Today marks the day when it all came to a DEAD END.”
The glow from the television set irradiates Waters’ face.
He’s sweating. He’s shivering.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Jesus Christ. Tonight could be the end of the Wonderboy. These two have been fighting for months and it all culminates tonight.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Do not change the channel.”
He’s a shell of his usual self.
What on this Earth just happened?
The Hungry Man stares at the now wet food, mouth agape and hands quaking. He looks up at the vehicle, which has parked not two feet from the entrance. The driver steps out and removes his helmet, revealing his platinum blonde mullet to the world.
The now identified Robbie Lane turns around to meet Dante with a cocky smile.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “Hey there, Williams. Ready for our match tonight?”
The Rapid Man notices the drenched burger, chuckling at what must be Dante’s boiling rage.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “Sorry ’bout yer food. Might help you start yer diet though, huh?”
Robbie pats Dante’s stomach playfully before heading to the entrance of the casino, never breaking eye contact as he moves.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “Enjoy that belt while it’s still around yer five XL waist. It’s time for a new face in the winner’s circle. If ya ain’t first, yer last!”
Robbie then walks off frame. Dante angrily chomps his wet food as he follows suit.
[‘The Hungry Man’ Dante Wallace]: “My name’s Dante Wallace, asshole! The Hungry man’s gonna eat you for that!”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Folks, our next contest has “Wonderboy” Billy Walters in the fight of his life against the formidable Terrorvision. It’s an “I Quit” match and if Walters utters those two words – the cardinal sin for any professional wrestler – his career is over.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “The dirtiest player in the game may as well fold now because Terrorvision is holding all the cards in this one. There is no way The Scream Machine is going to let “Wonderbum” Billy Walters survive tonight.”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Here we go then, Terrorvision making his way out of the ring. A bit of a muted reception, this is one terrifying athlete. And now here’s Billy Walters…with a look of determination the Wonderboy is ready to put it all on the line…and he’s making a line straight for Terrorvision.”
DING! DING! DING!
Walters goes immediately on the offensive, he gets the upper hand on Terrorvision with a few shots to the, erm, television. Irish whip into the ropes.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Running clothesline from Walters. The Wonderboy looks up for it tonight! And he’s moving so well. Walters with an Irish whip into the ropes….dropkick! Smooth as silk on shoeshine from the Wonderboy.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Certainly smoother than that cheap bourbon you’re quaffing, Arn!”
Wonderboy has The Scream Machine in the corner, hard chop to the chest. And another. And another. He’s in total control.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Those famed Walters chops, each slicing blow constricting the lungs and driving out the oxygen of the receiver.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “It’s an absolute disgrace the official hasn’t intervened here. Walters has clearly gained the advantage by attacking before Terrorvision was ready.”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “He’s a motivated man, that’s all. Nothing motivates a man more than knowing his bread and butter is at risk.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Or in your case, there is no greater motivation than a bottle of whiskey.”
More chops from Walters before he turns Terrorvision around and rakes his back. Walters lines up a flying corner body splash…
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Walters took a big risk and he’s hit the corner as Terrorvision evades the splash.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “He flopped worse than some of the suckers I saw losing thousands on the roulette table earlier.”
Terrorvision is now on the attack. Repeated chops to the chest, then a body slam puts Walters on the canvas. The Scream Machine climbs to the second rope…
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Fist drop from the second rope!!! You could hear the impact from here!!!”
The Hammer takes a big pull from his hip flask. In the ring, the official asks for the first time tonight whether Walters wants to quit, but Wonderboy waves him away. The Scream Machine mounts Wonderboy and with his head between his hands, Terrorvision begins to slam Wonderboy’s head against the canvas over and over!
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “It’s anything goes in this one…”
[Tommy Gunn]: “A bit like your wife! Hahaha!”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “…no disqualifications, no count-outs, no pinfalls….you just have to make your opponent say “I Quit”.”
Inside the ring Terrorvision has Walters face down over the bottom rope, using it to choke Wonderboy, before dropping an elbow into the top of the back/neck area. Again Walters is asked if he wants to quit but he shakes his head.
The Scream Machine has Wonderboy on his feet, a huge chop to the chest and then a clothesline drops him. This question comes again, but it’s refused by Walters.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “He may be the dirtiest player in the game, but Billy Walters is also one of the toughest. We could be here all night before he ever quits on his career. His life is the squared circle.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “But he’s never had to contend before with a horror like Terrorvision. Even Hollywood won’t touch The Scream Machine because it’s so frightening!!”
Walters is leaning on the ropes, Terrorvision clothesline him over the top to the outside. Wonderboy takes a bad bump on the concrete, Terrorvision is soon outside and runs him face first into a ring post. The ref is on the spot with the question, but he gets no reply.
That’s the cue for Terrorvision to continue his assault, slamming Walters’ head into the guardrail before slamming him once again into the exposed steel of the ring post. Walters is down for a while and when he begins to rise again.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Walters has been cut wide open, folks. The Wonderboy is wearing a crimson mask after that steel post sliced open his flesh like a razor blade!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “It’s all over now, Arn, just a matter of time before the house closes in and calls it’s debt on this fraud Billy Walters.”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “He may not be the purest example of sportsmanship, Tommy, but let me tell you as someone who knows his way around the hallowed squared circle, Billy Walters is no fraud!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “The only thing I’ve ever known you to know your way around, Arn, is a bottle of Bourbon!”
Walters is staggering around, “legs like jelly” as The Hammer puts it. The Scream Machine has him held by the head, a big uppercut and Wonderboy is down on the concrete again. The Dirtiest Player drags himself to his feet using the ring apron, Terrorvision continues to attack with some hard chops.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “The Scream Machine is punishing Walters, he lifts him onto his shoulder…OH BOY!!!”
“TERRORVISION DRIVES WONDERBOY BILLY WALTERS’ SPINE INTO THE STEEL POST!!!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Nevermind his career, the Wonderboy is not walking out of this casino tonight.”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Ladies & Gentlemen we may be witnessing before our very eyes the sickening dismembering of a long career. This terrifying monster, Terrorvision, is annihilating Billy Walters.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “This is proving to be one roll of the dice too many for “Wonderbum”.”
Terrorvision is stalking Walters now, who has ignored several questions from the referee. Wonderboy slowly gets back to a vertical base, but he’s in a bad state. Terrorvision with a big overarm punch…
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “WONDERBOY STANDS AND TAKES THE SHOT!!!”
“NOW HE BLOCKS THE THIRD!!!”
“RAKE OF THE EYES BY BILLY WALTERS….”
[Tommy Gunn]: “DIRTY FILTHY CHEAT!!!”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “…AND A DROPKICK…TERRORVISION INTO THE RING STEPS!!! LISTEN TO THIS AUDIENCE TOMMY!!!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “IDIOTS!!!”
WOOOOO!!! Crows the Wonderboy, getting a huge pop, and with renewed vigour, the blood splattered Billy Walters climbs to the top rope. Terrorvision gets to his feet…
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “HOLY BALONEY!!! WHAT A MOVE!!!!”
“CROSS BODY FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!!”
“PERFECT EXECUTION AND WORLD CLASS ATHLETICISM FROM THE WONDERBOY!!!”
WOOOOOOO!!! Walters is pumped and loaded. He locks in a figure four leg lock on The Scream Machine.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “Wonderboy has that submission locked in.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “AN ILLEGAL MOVE OUTSIDE THE RING!!!”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “ANYTHING GOES IN THIS ONE!!! NO DISQUALIFICATIONS….NO COUNT-OUTS!!! Billy Walters is bending all his will into this leg lock….HIS CAREER DEPENDS ON IT!!!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Someone has got to put a stop to this! Terrorvision is being CANCELLED!!!”
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “THE SCREAM MACHINE HAS NO ESCAPE ROUTE….”
“NOWHERE TO GO….”
“WILL HE QUIT?”
The official gets down by Terrorvision, he’s asking the question.
[Arnie “The Hammer” Ventura]: “IS THE OFFICIAL SIGNALLING FOR THE BELL?”
“TERRORVISION HAS SAID “I QUIT”!!!”
“WONDERBOY BILLY WALTERS HAS DONE IT!!!”
“HE PREVAILS AND HIS CAREER ENDURES!!!”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Pass me that hip flask, Arn. I need a drink!”
He looks extremely worried.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “Listen, I know you’ve been cheating on me… Yeah I do… I do too, you bitch! I dunno what kinda STD you gave me, but there’s little corn niblets falling out of my penis hole. Yeah, like corn. You know. The vegetable? Yeah. And when I bate on my penis, creamed corn comes out. And I know you did this to me you dirty bitch–”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Well, well, well. Sounds like someone got their brains shucked out.”
Cotton Eye Joe turns around.
Dick Fury. He gyrates aggressively as Joe stares at him.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “Dick Fury, what the hell are you doing creeping up on me like a rapist?”
Dick Fury still gyrates, runs his hands all over his body.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “Would you stop wiggling your hips like that? You’re making me feel extremely uncomfortable.”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “That’s what Debra said. She said those exact words when I did her in the butt.”
Ole Joe points an accusing finger at Fury.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “DID YOU GIVE MY WIFE CORN VAG? BECAUSE SHE GAVE ME CORN WANG!”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
Fury replies with a grin.
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “All I know for sure, is y’all made that corno after me and Debby made the porno! And you wanna know why I did it? Why I snuck into your house, gave your wife an eskimo kiss, scared all of your kids, and made sweet love to her in front of all of them?”
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “No, I really don’t. I hate you.”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Because I’m 1/2 of the tag team champions. And you best believe, that just like Debra, this tag team title is never gonna stop riding Dick Fury’s waist. Didn’t I show you that tonight?”
Joe can’t think of anything to say.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “Oh yeah? Well you probably have corn coming out when you pee.”
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “With the way we were shucking?”
Fury asks rhetorically.
[‘All Day, All Night’ Dick Fury]: “Possibly. I mean I shucked her all over the house. All over the bed. I even shucked her on the toilet. Your toilet.”
Joe looks absolutely disgusted.
[‘Ole’ Cotton Eye Joe]: “You mother shucker.”
Glitz and glamour floods our sights as we head to the most trafficked area of the ROLL UP Casino.
Gaudy suits, rolled up sports coats, and powdered noses greet us as gamblers flood through the line, gobbling up the barely warm food.
Dante Wallace is right there, with a plate stacked high with protein and other good stuff. He’s bursting out of his own Miami Vice-styled suit, but the World title is shimmering around his waist.
“You think you’re gonna beat the Rapid Man?” A young guy in a cowboy hat asks Dante.
[‘The Hungry Man’ Dante Wallace]: “Does a lobster scream if you boil it?”
The Champ responds, filling his large sized cup with some soda as he heads to a table to eat.
He takes a huge chunk out of a chicken leg before slurping down some of the soda.
SPIT! DANTE SPITS THE DRINK OUT AND STARTS COUGHING!
Out of nowhere, Robbie Lane saunters into frame. He picks up the spilled soda and laughs.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “Unleaded, Dante?”
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “Gas goes in yer car, son. Not yer belly. Should’a had a ice cold Coca-Cola.”
Robbie pours the gasoline over the sputtering Champion. He walks over to the buffet line, and its stunned guests, grabbing a clearly marked soda can. Making sure the label is turned to the camera, Robbie guzzles it down.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “The fuel’a Champions.”
He says, smirking as he walks back to Dante.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]:“Sorry kid, but yer race is over.”
Lane sets the drink down next to Dante.
[‘The Rapid Man’ Robbie Lane]: “I’ll be first, but you’ll be last.”
Robbie walks away, nodding the young guy in the cowboy hat as he does so.
Dante is still down, trying to rub the gasoline from his eyes and mouth.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “The Rapid Man needs to take this more seriously, Tommy; Dante hasn’t been beaten in two years.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “He’s chomped his way through the competition, both title and non title. He might look like the only thing he races to is the burger van, but that title is his Big Mac and he’s loving it.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Very well said.”
Back at ringside, only moments away from the Main Event and we’re back with Arnie Ventura and Tommy Gunn.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “We’re just moments away from the Main Event.”
He looks towards Tommy.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “We’ve seen Lane rev his engine on multiple occasions tonight, which will likely only serve to make Dante hungrier. This match has been slow cooking for the best part of a year and tonight, it finally happens.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Either Dante remains undefeated and retains his Championship, or we enter the Robbie Lane era.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Dinners ready.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Let’s eat!”
We move over to the ring itself, ready for introductions.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “That he is Tommy, Robbie’s been chasing Dante up and down the country for months now, defeat after defeat but each time Lane gets that little bit closer to being the first to put down the undefeated champion.”
The crowd begin to roar in cheers as the Rapid Man comes down to the ring, waving that checkered flag high as a determined grin raises up that trademark blonde mustache. He hands the flag to ringside before walking through the ropes, wincing slightly as he does, holding his left side right where his ribs are.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “And we see there the unfortunate injury Lane’s coming into this match with, a result of a bad decision in a tag team match a few weeks ago”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Call it what it is Arn, dumbass Robbie tried to slam a 600 pound man and paid the price for it. He’s lucky he just got a few cracked ribs and not a broken back like that Bollea guy a few months back.”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Sad sight that was Tommy, either way Robbie’s going to have an even tougher time tonight but if anyone can overcome the impossible, it’s the Rapid Man”
[Tommy Gunn]: “I sure as hell hope not Arn, Daddy’s got two hundred bones on Dante here and I don’t fancy getting my ass kicked by the paisano’s again”
The sounds of obnoxious chewing and munching fills the air as the world champion Dante Wallace walks out, all 600 pounds of him, the world title balanced on his shoulder as he’s munching down on some quality fried chicken coming down to the ring.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “And here comes our world champion, continuing his unorthodox pre match rituals here. Dante looking like Robbie doesn’t faze him in the slightest”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Why would he Arn? Lane’s a fourth the size of the man, he’s beaten him before and he’ll demolish him again in a flash so we can finally get a real challenger in this place.”
Dante drops the chicken carcass at ringside as he slowly climbs up the steps to climb into the ring. Dante only gets halfway into the ring before Lane sneak attacks him, drilling Wallace with a hard knee to the side of the head as the referee quickly calls for the bell
DING DING DING
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “An absolute cheap shot by Robbie Lane there who usually is above such tactics”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Hey it’s win or lose in that ring Arn and Robbie’s gonna do whatever he has to pick up that elusive win for the greatest prize in our sport. It’s why I bet on him to win here tonight”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Robbie Lane pounding down on the kneeling Dante with lefts and rights but nothing seems to be affecting the world champion…and didn’t you say you bet on Dante to win Tommy?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Gotta cover all my bases Arn, go for the sure fire thing and the underdog victory. Either way it’s all looking up Gunn”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “I’m commentating with a true genius here ladies and gentlemen. Meanwhile back to the action, Lane is giving Dante all he’s got but Wallace is eating up everything Robbie is giving him and asking for more”
Lane pounds down on Wallace with lefts, rights, kicks, flurries of everything and anything that he can throw at Dante but Dante doesn’t even move an inch, let alone show any signs of damage from Lane’s furious onslaught. Lane rushes to the ropes, trying for something with more momentum
BOUNCING OFF RIGHT INTO A MASSIVE RIGHT HAND!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Robbie looking up at those Vegas Lights after a mammoth right hand. All that momentum stopped in an instant but we wouldn’t expect less from our world champion”
Dante pulls up the groggy Robbie, snapping his head down with a mammoth headbutt that nearly knocks him out cold right there as Dante tries to pull Lane up into the Bear Hug but Robbie fights out with lefts and rights before a double fisted punch to the gut winds Wallace.
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Dante’s stunned, is Robbie going for it again? Will Robbie Lane be the first man to take Dante Wallace off his feet?”
Robbie tries to lift up the Hungry Man but his back gives out before he can even lift him up an inch. Dante slams Robbie hard in the back with a pair of hammer fists before falling forward
[Tommy Gunn]: “FAT ASS SPLASH! You can’t slam a big fat man Robbie and now you’re gonna lose once more to the world champion. It’s all over now Arn”
Dante stays down on the squashed Lane, hooking the leg for the cover
LAST SECOND KICKOUT!!!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “A miraculous kickout there Tommy, the crowd is going wild as Robbie Lane is still in this one”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Not for long thou Arn, that may have just been the warmup but the fat lady’s gonna start singing soon enough”
Robbie is struggling on the mat but Dante doesn’t let up, kicking Lane over and delivering a pair of hard elbows to the spine that leave Lane screaming in agony. Dante gets up, pulling Lane up to his knees
DECLARING ROBBIE TASTES LIKE CHICKEN AS HE BITES DOWN INTO HIS FOREHEAD!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Dante Wallace just toying with his opponent here, adding insult to injury with that bite to the forehead as blood begins to ooze down Lane’s face.”
[Tommy Gunn]: “I’ve heard of fast food Arn but this is just ridiculous”
Lane screams in pain as blood oozes down his white mustache. Dante gets tired of his new snack, picking Lane up and effortlessly body slamming him into the mat. The Hungry Man looks for the end as he backs up a few feet,
MUD PIE…HITS CANVAS!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Robbie just moves out of the way of that devastating splash and it looks like the Rapid Man has his second win, he may well be about to fly those deadly flags of his”
Dante slowly gets to his feet as he’s punished with a flurry of lefts and rights by Lane before Robbie rushes to the ropes once more, ducking under the clothesline this time before dropping down
BLACK FLAG! DROP TOE HOLD ON THE MIDDLE ROPE!
Dante stumbles up to his feet, holding his throat in pain as Lane delivers an uppercut to the same damaged throat before gripping underneath Dante’s massive legs
AND FINALLY DELIVERS THE BODY SLAM!
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “HE DID IT! Lane does it, he’s the first man to take Dante Wallace off his feet and he does it with a massive Body Slam to boot. How in the hell did he manage that?”
[Tommy Gunn]: “Jesus Arn did you feel that earthquake right now? Shocked the ring didn’t implode from the black hole of fat that was just driven into it”
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “Oh will you stop?”
Robbie’s hurting from lifting up the 600 pound giant but adrenaline is flowing through him as he looks to finish this once and for all, begging Wallace to get up as he backs up into the corner. The Hungry Man slowly getting up to his feet as Lane rushes forward
CHECKERED…DANTE CATCHES HIM IN MID-RUN! HE LIFTS HIM UP INTO THE BEAR HUG!
[Tommy Gunn]: “And the fat lady sings there Arn, Robbie Lane once again chokes at the final lap”
Dante crashes down upon Lane for the cover as the referee counts
[Arnie ‘The Hammer’ Ventura]: “And unfortunately for Robbie Lane, he falls to the Hungry Man once more. He finally delivered that bodyslam but it just wasn’t enough to quench his hunger for remaining champion
[Tommy Gunn]: “You could feed him a small country and he’d still ask for seconds Arn. Either way, I still get paid and Dante is still champion.”
Private – Off Camera.
A diner, somewhere in Las Vegas,
Only it’s empty – except one African American male, roughly fourty years of age.
The Chief and Sigil sit back a couple of tables, watching as the man sips on his coffee.
Suddenly, the white light that enveloped the screen before, does so again. Only this time, it drops Errol Flint in the seat opposite that man.
“Where am I? Who are you?”
The man stops sipping his coffee.
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, my child – but my name is Yahweh. You may know me as God.”
That shocks Flint, who can’t believe he’s sat opposite God himself.
“I don’t have long. I’m borrowing the vessel of a very important man – a man of my bloodline, who’ll raise a son that this world needs.”
“What does that have to do with me?” Flint asks.
“Because this world needs you too,” he continues. “That child, when a man, will also need you.”
Errol shakes his head – he doesn’t understand.
“I plucked your soul from transport to heaven because I have a mission for you, Errol. I have a task that you must complete. You may feel worthless, you may feel insignificant, but you’re going to do something that could save the world.”
“How do you know this?” Flint asks. “How do you know that I’m so important.”
“There will be a day when my son breaks free of his restraint in Hell and ravages this Earth as punishment for the way he perceives that I’ve treated him. Only I can stop him. But for me to be able to do that, you need to play your role; as does this vessel’s son.”
Errol Flint sits back in his chair, taking a deep breath.
“What must I do?”
Yahweh smiles and nods, proud of his decision.
“In 2015, you need to start your own wrestling organisation called Old School Wrestling. That’s all you have to do. It’s your destiny, so believe me when I say that as bleak as your life seems right now, you will accomplish this, as long as you are willing.”
“Are you going to bring me back to life?” He asks.
Yahweh nods, but almost reluctantly.
“I hid my power to create life,” he admits. “Only two people including myself know where it is. However, I can draw on its power to bring those dead, back to life.”
Before he does, he reaches out and grabs Errol by the hand.
“Everything depends on you,” he reminds him. “Everything.”
He snaps his fingers.
In the back of the restaurant, The Chief and Sigil watch as this whole interaction unfolds. The Chief has a tear in his eye, looking at his father.
“I understand now,” Sigil remarks. “You’re telling the truth.”
“You see, only the Gods ever had power to create life, but that power was so immense that they hid it. In their death, the power to create new life had died with them. I’m sorry, Sigil. Should we return?”
The Collector nods – their venture into 1982 complete.