An Introduction

The scene fades in to what appears to be a sky that is dim and overcast as a chill wind blows. The issue is that the scene is actually something that you are confident you’ve seen before in stock movie footage. Snow covers not only the tops of the mountains, but the ground, rocks and trees as far as the eye can see. The view pulls back to show the seemingly never-ending sea of white powdery snow that blankets the area. However, just as the sameness of the snow seems to never stop, it does. Nested between four giant Sierra redwoods is a small cottage. There is a trailing white-gray whisp of smoke coming out of a jutted chimney and a yellowish-orange glow can be seen inside the windows. The view pans in closer and closer still before becoming stationary just outside of the cottage.

Now the scene changes to what is a blatant “studio set” where giant papery pieces of “snow” is all over the ground and falling from somewhere above. The soft crunching sounds of steps in the “snow” can be heard just as a giant, mass of a man is seen stepping into view. He is wearing a green winter parka with a face-obscuring hood and windproof pants, set off by a pair of wet black boots. The man stomps his feet on a crisp red and green “Welcome” mat and opens the door to the cottage.

Just inside the cottage sits a blonde woman barely clothed, wearing a sleek, red nightie and a red-and-white striped scrunchie in her hair. She bounces up from the red velvet couch and squeels out a high-pitched “Santa!” as she runs over to the door. Her enormous breasts bounce and jiggle around like a bowl full of jelly as she greets the man with a bear of a hug. The man returns the hug and says something in a muffled voice.

The woman peels away the winter parka and reveals a strange face. The face is that of a man but with a very fake, blatantly store-bought long, thick, white beard. The hood merely hid a red and white stocking cap and the parka hid a similar colored jacket. This guy looks just like the folklore character known as Santa Claus.

Santa Claus: Thanks Mary, you know how Santa likes to be greeted. You made my candy cane twitch.

Santa now pulls out a candy cane from his pants pocket and hands it over to the woman. As he hands it over, the candy cane is noticably thick and for some odd reason, is curved just slightly, almost like a banana. Either way, the woman takes the candy cane with a smile and places it on the nearby table, right next to a knocked-over prescription bottle of Risperdal. The woman refered to as Mary now furrows her eyebrows and aims a stare over at Santa.

Mary: Where have you been, Santie? You know I need to get paid, or I can’t hang around here.

Santa chuckles and gently pats Mary’s shoulder in a comforting manner. He then reaches inside his red jacket pocket and pulls out a roll of cash. He unrolls it and begins to count out the twenties. He stops when he hits $400. Santa places the money in her hand and chuckles again, causing his fake beard to detatch momentarily and the young jawline of a man is seen. But only momentarily.

Santa Claus: You know I would never let my Mrs. Claus go without her money. Now before you run off and buy some of your special Christmas sugar and pipe, please let me tell you about my day. It was truly the best day I’ve had since I was released from that… terrible place.

Santa now motions over towards two rocking chairs and sits in one. Mary, aka Mrs. Claus, takes a seat in the other one. She tries to look attentive, but her money is clearly focused on the wad of cash in her hand. The other hand picks at her face for some reason. Santa doesn’t see any of it, his attention and focus is lost in his own mind.

Santa Claus: I signed a huge contract today with this wrestling promotion, they call themselves Old School Wrestling. I had a wonderful time! My social wor, I mean, Christmas elf, showed me around. This place looks great! They’ve offered me a guaranteed contract, so even if I don’t show up, I still get paid. They have bonuses, incentives, and even health care! You can finally get your teeth fixed, Mary.

Again, Mary doesn’t look too interested, but she perks up at the last sentence.

Mary: That’s great. So you’ll be fighting people and stuff?

Santa nods his head aggressively, causing his stocking cap to fall slightly forward, showing a mass of black hair underneath. But always the showman, Santa quickly secures the hat before the myth is broken.

Santa Claus: I will. In fact, I will be fighting a woman named Adam Eve.

Mary: Oh, I know that place! I bought a giant double-headed dildo there one time when this client wanted me and my cousin to do a–

Santa Claus: No no no. Not the sex shop, I’m talking about a woman named Adam Eve.

Mary: A woman named Adam?

Santa Claus: Yes. Apparently she’s something of a big thing there in OSW, so I’ll have to start my training regiment relatively quickly. I’m just a little bit out of shape.

Santa accentuates his point by rubbing over the Christmas jacket that contains a large rotund belly.

Santa Claus: I don’t know much about Adam Eve, really. I just only know what I’ve heard from the kid who hangs out in the alley behind the OSW offices. He told me all sorts of lewd stories and gossip, but I won’t dignify a single one of them by speaking it out loud. Instead, I’ll just say that I can’t wait to step into that ring. It’s only a week away!

Mary raises an eyebrow, arcing it over in Santa’s direction.

Mary: A week? That doesn’t give you much time to train. How will you get yourself into shape and ready to fight this man chick?

This time Santa winks over at Mary with a satisfied look on his face.

Santa Claus: Baby, I’m going to use Christmas magic. Now run along and get your ‘medicine’ while I prepare for my match next week. I still have to call up the Easter Bunny and let him know!

Santa misses the shudder that Mary gives when she hears the Easter Bunny’s name, but it quickly vanishes as she stands up, her fist full of the cash that Santa gave her. She strolls towards the door and halfheartedly waves before walking quickly out to get her medicine.

Santa sighs contentedly and leans back in the chair. He reaches over and picks up the bottle of Risperdal and laughs.

Santa Claus: I won’t be needing these any more!

Santa now opens the cap and dumps the contents into the trash can as the scene fades out to black.